The LaRue Seventh Heaven

It's the little blessings that really add up

2011-04-16T14:10:00.003-04:00

It has been forever and a day since I have blogged. When I first started this blog, it was for my therapy right after the divorce. Then when I married Paul, that need went away. Lately, I am just finding myself longing to just write my thoughts out. Maybe it is that I am getting older (I know, I'm a whopping 33) or just that I have had some really hard knocks in life and it helps me to think I might be of help to someone else. Whatever the reason, I am hoping to blog a bit more. I do say "hoping" since I also know me and amongst all the other 50 million things I do daily, I want to add something else!!!

My thoughts have been focused lately on the little things of life. This last year has been really tough. I filed bankruptcy, lost my home, my van, battled a debilitating right hand that led to surgery, the long recovery process from that surgery, and am almost daily fighting a hard battle with a rebellious step son that tosses all his anger on me and my children. Those are just the majors. Toss in the day to day battles of working, marriage, and raising five kids and it can really get over whelming! But in those moments of pure insanity, I must CHOOSE to refocus my heart and mind on the stabilizing truths that I KNOW are real: My God is real, He loves me, He is ALWAYS up to something good in my life, and the hardest thing for me to really get... God is not punishing me. When these major things are going on, it is difficult, for me anyway, not to see God as the evil villain punishing me for whatever shortcoming I see at that moment. It is in these moments that I must really refocus my mind on the little blessings of day to day life. Because when I do and step back and look at them, they really add up!!

The "gem jar" system has been one of my greatest accomplishments!! I took the idea from a magazine article I read and adapted it to us. When the kids help out with chores or do something noteworthy, they get a "gem" in their jar (those small deco. rocks you can get at the dollar store.) If they do something really great they get a "big gem." It takes the kids usually 6 weeks or so to fill the jar, and they then can get something valued at about $30. They kids have even put theirs together to get something bigger to share. Recently, Kristen, Tyler, and Bryce came to me and said they all wanted to put their gem jars together to help buy a new computer for the family. (Our desktop has been broken for about 8 months.) When I told them that computers cost far more than just the gem jars, they quickly agreed to all earn two jars each! I was so moved by their willingness to work together as a family, I agreed. I later posted this story on Facebook. A few days later, we were approached by someone who had seen the post and wanted to give us their extra computer!!!

We have battled in court several times now with Paul's ex-wife. We pay an astronomical amount of child support for one child that lives with us half time. We actually pay out about $200 a month more than we take in for ALL four of my children! We got back the final court ruling this week and it was not really favorable to us. Not only was the child support not reduced, but we are now going to be paying about $50 a month more!! It is very easy to get discouraged by the numbers and the injustice of it all. Choose to focus on the little blessings... when we really look at the judge's ruling, yes, monetarily we did not win. But we did win on so many things that can not be measured with a dollar, and that is probably worth more than all the money! I also had just told Paul last week that all the kids socks are all wearing out all at once! What was handed to us Wed. night? A big bag of new and almost new socks that took care of two of the boys!! I regularly shop at a scratch and dent/ slightly outdated store. We find such great deals at this place that greatly reduce our food budget!!

I have one of the most caring husbands ever. He knows just what I need and does his best to fill those needs. I love that even after two and a half years, I can still wake during the early hours of the day to find him sitting with his coffee in one hand, Bible in his lap. Then he comes back to me and wraps me in his arms and waits until it is time to wake me. God sure knew what I would need to make me secure in a marriage again. These moments are so small, maybe even mundane, but not to me! I love that he so many nights cooks and even more than that, he loads the dishwasher!

There are so many other things I could go on about, but the noise level is starting to go up around here, so I need to stop! If there is anything I am learning right now, it is to not focus so much on the end result. I must take the time ti be in the moment. When I do, I find it is so much more bearable. Lam. 3 "His mercies are new every morning... great is Thy faithfulness."

My trip to Vegas

2010-09-18T21:47:00.001-04:00

Wow! What a trip this has been!! Paul and I first found out about the possibility of this trip around the beginning of the year. It was originally supposed to be in Nashville at the Grand Old Opry Hotel in May. But the week before the convention, Nashville had major flooding issues, and the resort was under 18 feet of water!!! I was really bummed out that the convention was cancelled. I had lined up to visit with a number of friends and family in the area, and was really looking forward to seeing them. When we found out the trip had been rescheduled for Las Vegas, we were less than thrilled. This city is not exactly the place a conservative Christian really enjoys. Paul had to go as he was one of the speakers, but I was really on the fence about going. However, with all the stress of the last few months and the move just a couple of weeks away, I decided a good break would do my soul some good.

For the fact that Paul was in seminars several hours each day and most of the day Wed., I think we crammed in just about ever tourist hot spot that there on the Vegas Strip. We walked and walked and walked some more, and then we took the bus!!! We saw from the Vegas welcome sign all the way to Freemont St. I really did not enjoy Freemont St. Way too loud, drunks were everywhere, and it was dirty. The big screen canopy was cool and I got pictures of the famous cowboy and girl. We did find a really cool gift shop of Indian things (Kristen will love us for that!)

We rode the Eiffel tower ride and saw the city from WAY up high! Ya know, I have been at the Sears tower in Chicago many times, but this elevator was glass and it seems nothing was around you-- I was so totally backing up as far as I could!!! Our big splurge was a the MGM Grand hotel where we did the CSI Experience. It was really cool. It had real stuff from the show, and you got to do an interactive crime solving case with Grissom as our supervisor. All the cast was there (on video, of course-- that would have too cool if they were really there) to help us along with the different tasks. We had to examine fingerprint and blood evidence, and to watch the autopsy. Pretty cool stuff.

We also saw the Luxor, walked into the extravagant Trump Towers, saw the statue of Liberty made out of jelly beans, and the Vegas sign made out of M&Ms, went to Caesar’s palace, and so many other things. My husband humored me by allowing us to have our picture taken in front of the famous Little White Chapel, but no, Elvis wasn’t there!

My absolute favorite thing about Vegas was the Bellagio. Made famous in the Oceans 11 movie, it is well known for its grandeur. The fountain at night is spectacular. It goes off every 15 minutes, and I could sit and watch it all night. I think in total we saw it five times. The Bellagio is also equally as beautiful inside. The conservatory was breath taking, and the candy shop with its giant chocolate wedding dress, and 27 foot tall chocolate fountain was just plain a dream for this chocolate-loving girl.

I will certainly not miss some things in Vegas, and I learned NEVER take pamphlets being handed out on the street!!!!

A heart like Tyler

2010-09-18T09:32:00.001-04:00

My children are all equally special to me. Kristen is my first-born and only girl. Bryce is my clingy and needing-much-love- child. Judson is my baby who carried me through such a dark time. But then there is Tyler. I used to worry that he would have the “middle child lost in the shuffle” syndrome. He is such an easy going kid--has been since he was born. He rarely makes trouble for anyone, and can sometimes be quite a wall flower. But as Tyler grows, I am seeing more and more what an incredible kid he really is. A couple of years ago, it was the joke amongst moms at my church that they wanted to clone Tyler. This was the beginning of me being able to see just what a kind of kid he really is.

I can remember one time during the first winter that I was a single mom. A man in the church had just taken care of plowing our snow, and Tyler came into the kitchen and handed him a few pennies and said thank you for taking care of us. I about burst into tears right there!!! The man took them, then later snuck them back to me. Tyler has said since kindergarten that he wants to be a preacher when he grows up. He is now in third grade and that has not changed. You can not know Tyler for very long without seeing his incredibly caring heart. He will do anything for you. He will do anything you ask of him, and he will do it with a happy heart. Ty has never been one for much physical showing of affection. Hugs and kisses came far and few between when he was young. But do not be deceived: there is a fierce loyalty within him that can not be shaken. He is unshakably tight with Kristen, and looks out for his brothers as well. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he is not perfect. Yes, he fights with his brothers; but at the end of the day, he would give anything for them.

The thing that makes Tyler so incredible, though, is his love for God. His prayers each night are so special. He prays for others and he prays for himself. I love that he prays each night for him “to always follow You, Lord.” He recently has begun to really read the Bible for himself. He asked me one night how many gems (that is our reward system) he would get for reading an entire book of the Bible. I dismissed him with a wave and said we would talk about that when it happened. The next morning he came down with bleary eyes, snuggled up with me, and said, “Mom, I read I,II, and III John, but I fell asleep in Jude. Can I have a big gem for that?” To say the least, I was shocked that an eight year old could read so much in one night. As the weeks have gone on, we have had many talks about what a certain passage means. This is how I know he is really reading it! I had to direct him out of Revelation, as that was scaring him and very difficult for me to explain. Really, Revelation is hard for adults to understand let alone a child!!!!

Tyler also has an incredible laugh. His kindergarten teacher gave him as a graduation present a stuffed turtle that laughs. He still has it, and I recently put it away so we can keep it nice. She said the turtle laughs just like he does. She is so right! I heard that laugh so clearly two nights ago as I was talking to him on the phone. Kristen did something that made him laugh, and this incredible giggle just broke out. It is the kind of laugh that no matter what mood you are in, you can not help but laugh with him.

Tyler was a joy as a baby, but as he grows, he is even more of a blessing. I really can’t wait to see what kind of a man he will grow into, and if he continues on this path, he will make some girl out there one great husband!

The bridge

2010-09-18T09:25:00.003-04:00

This is the post that has been rolling in my head the most and what prompted me to return to blogging. Losing my house has been a most trying experience for me. When I was thick in the throws of the decision process, I asked my pastor why, when I have come through some pretty dark times, why was this one so hard for me. He simply said, “because you are a woman, and women are nesters at heart. This is messing with your nest.” He was dead spot on. Through this process I have realized that I am a pretty strong person of roots. I had made my house a home--my home, and I have no desire to move it around. I had carefully repainted and decorated every inch of it. My kids have called it home for six years, and with the exception of Kristen, do not remember living anywhere else. When the divorce happened, it was so important to me to keep as much of their life as normal as possible. I did not want them to lose their father and their home at the same time. And it worked….for a time.

There was also this over-whelming sense of failure. I had fought so hard to keep the kids in their home, and now it wasn’t working. I was not being able to provide for my kids. But again, I had to be reminded by those close to me, that I was forced into this position. It wasn’t supposed to be that I was caring for these children alone or that Paul was to fix all the errors of the past. Some things just can’t be fixed. It wasn’t my burden of failure to bear. It took me a long while to fully understand that. And, amazingly enough, when I finally surrendered and told the kids we would be moving, they took it pretty well!!! I was amazed at how they do not really need the house to be “home.” They taught me how much home is were your loved ones are. It doesn’t matter what walls we live in, just that we are together. I know I will need to be reminded of this again when in a few weeks I see my empty house.

Another aspect of this loss is the memories that it drudged up. When it became appearant that he was really not coming back, I packed up many things and just put the boxes up in the attic. These boxes have not been touched since until earlier this summer when I began packing and cleaning. I had to go through these things and get rid of a lot. It reopened the whole thing for me. I relived the abandonment all over again. I happened to pick up a People magazine recently while waiting in the dr.’s office. I am sure most of you have heard some of the Elizabeth Edwards story. I have seen several interviews with her, and relate so much with her story. The magazine article had an excerpt from her book and it jumped out at me. I in no way say I agree with her politically, but I think the quote sums up exactly why losing my house has been especially hard on me. “When I see John, I don’t just see the today that others’ see. I see all the memories….We have raised four children and buried one. So when I close the door on the John of today, I also had to say good-bye to that sweet man whom I had loved for so long. It was not as easy as it might have seemed to anyone looking in from the outside, who knew only the John of today. And I have to wonder if he is sad, too, when he thinks of that young man.” Rodney and I had twelve years together, most of which were not that bad. I was forced to make a new life for myself, and while I love this new life, and I really do believe it is better than the life I had before, it is still a loss that must be grieved. I was in such a state of survival for so long, I do not know how much I fully allowed myself to grieve . Loosing this house has forced me to do this. Paul has been so loving and patient. I am sure it has not been easy for him. But he has held me and let my cry and cry.

As I was cleaning out the attic, I came upon things that used to be Rodney’s. While it was so tempting to just throw it all away, I knew the right thing to do was to offer it to him. That Saturday afternoon was one of the best days of healing for me ever. Things with him have been pretty civil for a bit now, but the conversation that came forth that day, put so much to rest. I will keep the details of that conversation between him and I, but this process has reminded me yet again that we must go through the fire to be purified and come out as gold.

I entitled this post “the bridge” for a specific reason. As Paul and I were in the thick of trying to find a house big enough to accommodate our large family, Dad and Mom LaFlamme told us they wanted to talk to us. I never saw what was coming!!! Dad presented to us the option of them buying a new house and us renting their current house. Now, keep in mind this is the house that they have owned for 30 years, and everyone grew up in. My first thought was that it would never work. It would be too awkward. But as prospect after prospect fell through, and money was as tight as it could get, both Paul and I began to see it as a viable option. In another conversation I had with mom, I was relating to her the feelings of failure and that we are taking a step backward by needing to rent a house for a while instead of buying. She told me to look at this time not as a step back but as a bridge. WOW!!! That hit me hard, and the more I thought on it, the more I knew she was right. Even though Paul and I have been married nearly two years, living in the same house as Rodney and I did was in some ways still hanging on to the past. Living in Mom and Dad’s house is the transition time we need to get into our place.

I do so strongly dislike waiting!!!! We plan to be at Mom and Dad’s not more than two or three years at the latest. But, we all know what the economy is like, and it pretty difficult to get a loan these days. Right now, it is hard for me to see that I could ever consider this house “mine.” I see us as borrowing it to help us get through. I will forever be indebted to these two wonderful people who have adopted me as their own, and so lovingly cared for their grandchildren. I can not say enough about them. They have helped me in far more ways than I could ever put into words. They are giving me practically a blank check when it comes to decorating the house. I can repaint anything I want, and they are even letting us install my dishwasher in the kitchen!!! (Mom, I don’t know how you lived without one for 30 years!!) They are offering us a safe place that is big enough for our family of seven to spread out in!!! The kids are excited to be moving to somewhere so familiar. They know the neighborhood very well, and some very good friends of ours live just three houses down!!!!

I have been reminded many times through these last few months of my favorite verse in Scripture: I Cor. 10 :13. “There hath no temptation (trial) taken you but such as is common to man. But God is faithful, and he will not tempt you beyond that which you are able. But will with the temptation also make a way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”

What brought me to bankruptcy

2010-09-15T12:14:00.000-04:00

This is the story of my journey to bankruptcy. I have had this one rolling in my head for months now, and just have not been able to get it written down. To tell this story, I must back up a bit. I am trying to be very delicate when I say this, as to not slander my ex-husband, but a few months prior to his leaving, he took out a second mortgage on our house. It was typical then, and so many people were doing it. It put the house upside down in equity, but it was so easy to get the loan, and the housing market was booming, and I think we foolishly thought it would continue that way. I blindly signed off on it, never thinking in just a few short months, I would be handling such debt on my own. When the divorce took place, he agreed to pay a little more than what the state required of him for child support in order to cover the two mortgages. That, combined with me working full time, was enough for me and the kids to live frugally, but comfortably. A little over a year after the divorce, he got fired from his good paying business job, and thus all but completely stopped paying child support. That moment is the beginning of my journey to bankruptcy.

Because of the house being upside down in equity, I was never able to refinance it to put it in my name only. All this time, I have been still tied to him through the house. I think we both have equally hated that fact, but it’s something neither of us can do anything about. By the time Paul and I got married, I was already falling behind on the mortgages. I was paying some, but not keeping up. I ended up taking my ex to court to get child support started again, but because he so dramatically changed his job situation, my child support dropped by $1,100 per month. The addition of Paul’s income helped, but when you factor in the expenses that he brought as well, it did not completely make up that difference. Paul and I have tried many things over the last year and a half to save our house. The loan modification process is a nightmare!!!!! They need every detail of your life written down, and then they ask for it again! You are a total peon that means nothing to the mortgage company. They hound you and hound you and then “lose” what you send them! We got far enough into things that we even paid for three months on a modification, only to find out paperwork had been misfiled, nullifying the whole thing. We set up a modification program with the second company based on the mod. with the first. That one was current up until the day I filed for bankruptcy! But at this same time, my ex filed bankruptcy, thus complicating my modification process. Everything was put on hold for many months until his stuff was settled. Almost as soon as it was, I started getting foreclosure notices. I attempted again to start the modification process, but it soon became apparent that things were not working out. I began to really consider bankruptcy as my last option. I began to surrender to the thought that we were going to have to move. Yes, in a bankruptcy you can restructure things to keep your house and car. But coupled with the housing market crash, I now owe $60,000 more than what the house is worth. Add to that the fact that we, as a growing family of 7, will very soon out grow the house, and Paul and I both know the best thing for us is to surrender the house. I will write more about that choice in my next post.

33 Things I have learned since becoming a divorcee

2010-09-15T12:04:00.002-04:00

I have modified this general blog (___ number of things I have learned about life) to be very specific to me. Since I am 33 this year, I will write about 33 things! I have a number of things rolling in my head, and I am interested to see what will unfold as I type. I imagine that most will be serious in nature, but do not be surprised if something totally funny and out of the blue comes falling out!

1. Life does not turn out the way you thought it would.
2. Sometimes that new life can be better than the life you dreamed of.
3. Conservative Christians generally have their head in the sand when it comes to divorce.
4. Divorce within the church is far more common than people like to admit.
5. Though one can have a house full of children, one can still feel very alone.
6. Being a single mom brought incredible challenges, but also equally satisfying conquests.
7. Sleep is very vital to a body’s existence.
8. A single mom is far more capable than many give them credit for.
9. Sometimes a single mom just needs a listening ear and a hug.
10. Children of divorce form an incredible, inseparable bond.
11. Starbucks makes the best Fraps.
12. A ten minute hydro massage goes far to energize a body.
13. Serving jar baby food to your baby instead of making it all from scratch does not qualify you as worst mom of the year.
14. In the eyes of a child, no one, and I mean no one, can ever take the place of a dedicated mom.
15. The term “mom” really is just a title. It is the emotions and feelings behind who you are calling that title to that is important.
16. Netflix is a sanity keeper sent from heaven itself.
17. Add any form of chocolate to that list as well!!!
18. Although sleep is vital, a single mom is able to go days before she realizes she is really tired-- and then she goes for hours more to make sure the kids are all tucked in before she crashes!
19. A single mom can sleep at any time, anywhere, and still know the exact movements of her children!
20. While a single mom can prove that she can do it all, she really may not want to, and longs to just turn it all over to a capable man.
21. There really IS a man out there who would take on four small children that are not his own, but love them like they are.
22. How did I get so lucky as to find him?
23. Marriage is truly wonderful when your husband puts your needs above his own.
24. Serving frozen meal in a bag suppers save your sanity when you hate to cook and are exhausted as well.
25. McD’s once a week with a friend while the kids play in the play land is so refreshing.
26. Someone finds me breath-takingly beautiful, despite what I think of myself.
27. The bedroom is a sacred and beautiful place when both spouses treat it as such.
28. “Stolen moments” are the best ones!
29. A husband that can cook a fabulous breakfast and Italian suppers is a true keeper.
30. Jet Fuel is a type of coffee.
31. Italian sweet crème makes any hot drink better--except lemon zinger tea-- it curdles like cottage cheese!
32. If you thought dating as a teenager is hard, try being an adult under the watchful eye of your pastor.
…And last but not least…
33. If Paul ever dares to hurt me, there is a line a mile long waiting to go after him (and many have told him so)!!!

Re-entering Blogland

2010-09-15T11:51:00.001-04:00

It has been many months since I have blogged. I have missed it on some levels, but on others, my past writings fulfilled a need that has now gone away. It does often occur to me though, that I would love to blog on a certain event of my life. I enjoy writing, though I have very little creativity, so my writing are really limited to my personal experience! I find myself this week in the unusual circumstance of having much free time. I am currently on a business trip with my husband in Las Vegas. While he is in seminars, I have no commitments! As I am not a person to venture into unknown places alone, I fully intend to sit by the pool and get some color in this very white skin! I have come armed with a few good books and my laptop. So sit back and enjoy catching up in the mind of this formerly single mom.

Mt. Washington Resort

2009-11-01T20:46:00.005-05:00

As promised, I am recapping Paul and my trip to the Mt. Washington Resort. This was a business trip for Paul, but I got to come along. The best part is that it just so happened to fall on our first anniversary. I took over 60 pics, but I will only share a few here. Maybe someday I will learn to do one of those cool slide shows!

We arrived at the resort on Sun. afternoon. We had the day to unpack and explore before dinner at 7 PM. Monday AM consisted of a couple of seminars that I also got to attend. Monday PM was our "spoiling" time with Paul playing a round of golf on a top class course, and I spend a couple of hours in the spa area with a massage and royal treatment. Monday night we had a formal dinner that lasted over two hours! Tuesday is when I really saw my husband in "work mode." He was really wheeling and dealing to get the best prices and foods for our residents! I also tasted more food than I ever thought possible to consume. Literally hundreds of vendors lined every possible space and all begged you to try "just a bit" of their stuff. I literally said to Paul as we were leaving "just roll me out of here please!"

Overall, it was a fabulous time and a well needed break from the hustle and bustle of kids and life. We really had some great time together as a couple as well.

The pics all posted backward in chronological order, so here is Paul and I on Tues. night formal dinner. Taken on one of the many balconies.

Paul's assistant, Chris and his wife, Bobbi-Jo and I at the dinner Mon. night

The back of the resort. This picture really does not give justice to the beauty of the place.

This was as best as I could fit the whole place in one shot. As you can see, the resort is HUGE! I took this picture standing on a beautiful little bridge over looking a stream that runs through the resort.

They have a heated year-round outdoor pool! It is a bit of a walk from the main exit, so the sidewalk is heated!!! I still don't think you would get me out there in the middle of winter!

A view from one of the balconies. The golf course is in the foreground. Yes, the mountains are snow capped. When we woke Monday, it was a bright sunny day but only 22 degrees! It did warm up into the 40s, but still a bit chilly for golf!

When we arrived on Sunday, it was raining. A couple of hours later, the rain cleared and we enjoyed the most beautiful sunset-- for just a few minutes. It was dark with in ten minutes of this picture!

A view of our dining room.

The resort was built in 1902, and they have kept much of the original decor. This is really the elevator that we used. We had an operator that Paul nicknamed "Lerch." He really looked like he was straight out of the Adams Family!!!

Our room. We had just a basic room with no fireplace or jacuzzi-- still a whopping $446 per night!! Good thing we were not paying for it!

The biggest bed we have ever slept in!

So many things to write about...

2009-10-26T09:40:00.002-04:00

Life is sooooooo full right now and so much has happened!!! Forgive me, I do believe this will be a long post!

I think I will start with the most recent and work back, since that seems to be the order of importance. My heart is full of sadness and joy at the passing of a beloved woman in our church. Helen was an older woman, but in seemingly good health. We arrived at church yesterday morning to the news of her sudden passing Sat. night. She was our flower lady and garden guru. I called her many times to talk garden stuff, and she made the flower arrangements for my wedding last year. What a fun afternoon we had that day! Since the flower arrangement for yesterday was all made up and ready to go, Helen's daughter, who does not attend our church, made sure that it was there for services. Helen would not want us to make such a fuss over her, but she will be greatly missed. And since we know she is with Jesus, my tears are really quite selfish, huh?!

We had a big court day on Friday for Paul. He has been battling his ex on some issues for about five months now, and it finally seems to be over. There still may be one more hearing on some contempt charges against her, but she has resolved the issues, so they may be dropped. As with all things relating to ex spouses, you win some and you lose some. The biggest things we won are in the non- tangible department. Paul's ex-wife has bullied him for many years. That power is no longer there. She was explicitly put in her place by the GAL (guardian at lit em). This was a big victory for us since the GAL's initial report was very biased against Paul and our faith. We were heading down a road that was going to put our faith on trial-- a road we so desperately did not wish to travel. We just wanted equal time with Gage-- something Paul had until we got married last year. The ex wife was painting us as religious nuts who do not really live normal lives. Paul had to see a "non-biased" counselor. (Our pastor,who holds a doctorate in theology and has been counseling people for over 20 years , didn't count as he is not really a "trained" professional!!!) The counselor's question to Paul was "why are you here ?" So once the GAL was satisfied that we were not total nut cases and that Paul lives a very stable life, she relaxed he views a lot and on Friday, looked strait at Gage's mom and said, "Paul is a very loving father who is doing his best at being a good father. Gage wants to be with his father, and Paul has every right to be in Gage's life just as much as you do, and is an equal to you." This was so big for us, as the mom had tried to tell Paul that he has no legal rights to Gage at all. We knew that was not true, but it was great to have the GAL back us up!

In addition to this, we won in areas of getting Gage for all three of the family camping trips that we do with the church through the year. We also got the tax exemption every other year. (yes, Paul has been paying child support for the last five years and never received any tax benefit for it!) Gage also gets to go to the summer camp, the Wilds of New England. She fought this since it is Christian in nature. But after the GAL questioned about what kind of fun things do they do there, everyone agreed it is good! We also won on getting Gage put on Paul's insurance. This may seem like a downer, but for us, it doesn't cost anything more to add one more kid, and it insures us that we will not get stuck with any more uninsured medical bills -- long story behind that one! She fought this one like crazy, not really sure why other than she just didn't want to give up the control.

We lost on the child support issue. We were hoping to get it reduced, since we have Gage almost just as much time as she does and we provide just as much for him as she does. The judge ruled against that, most likely since she makes much less money than Paul does. We also lost on the equal time thing. We currently have Gage two days one week and four days the next week. We wanted to even it out to three days, and four days. The judge said for the sake of the child, the schedule needs to remain unchanged, but that we do have joint custody and all equal rights.

What a relief to have this done! Since Paul and I have been married, we have been in battles first with my ex and then with his. We are praying that we can now have a bit of peace. Things seem ok with my side for now, so looks good! God is good, and so many things have been laid to rest. We have been made stronger through these trials, and what is probably bigger, our love for each other has grown stronger through them!

So I still have not gotten to the blow-by-blow detail of our trip to the Mt Washington Resort, but that will have to be at a later time. I have laundry waiting!!!

Is he kind?

2009-09-28T12:19:00.002-04:00

I visited yesterday for a bit with a cousin (technically, one of the ex's cousins, but we all know my relationship with his family!) She was visiting from Chicago, and it had been quite some time since I had seen her. We got talking about my marriage to Paul. As I have thought about her words, it made me realize they were "blog-worthy"!!

She asked me, "Just one question-- is he kind to you?" My instant response was "Yes!" and I gave her several examples that popped into my head. As I have thought about it some this morning, I have realized just how much Paul really is just what I have needed. This cousin knew the man that my ex had become. She understood how I was treated, and was afraid I might choose that same thing again.

But as my first anniversary is only just a few weeks away, I can reflect back on our first year together. Just as any newly married couple, we have had many adjustments to make. We have had some additional challenges that come with being a blended family. But through any disagreements we may have had, the one thing that I could very resoundly say is that Paul has never been unkind to me. He can be stubborn and insensitive at times, (let's be honest ladies, is there any of you out there who can't say that about your man?!) but he is never unkind. Paul has never called me a derogatory name or made fun of me at all. He has never raised his voice at me or embarrassed me in any way.

Quite the opposite. He listens to what I have to say, really listens. He has carried me through sickness, and court battles, financial struggles, and child rearing trials. We are far from perfect, but have a good life. He cares for my children just like they were his own. He tucks them into bed and prays with each one every night. I love that I can roll over in the early morning hours and find my husband sitting in the recliner with his coffee in one hand and his Bible on his lap. I love it that he intentionally finishes with enough time to spare to come back and curl up with me for a few minutes before we have to start our rat race of a day. Then he takes a few minutes and prays with me. I can not tell you how special these few minutes each day have become to me. I told him this just recently. I told him that it reassures me that he is constantly choosing me. He knows my flaws and chooses to love me anyway.

Well, so I guess I wrote my anniversary post a bit early, but that's ok! I will have plenty to share then-- we just so happen to get to spend our first anniversary at probably the most prestigious resort in New Hampshire-- all completely paid for because it is also a business trip. I will have to post pics and tell all about it!

When Saten tempts me to despair....

2009-08-16T19:10:00.004-04:00

I know.... it has been forever since I have blogged and most of you will probably think that I have given up on it! I really haven't-- life is just so busy that when I do actually have free time, I am just too tired to really think, and well, a blog like this takes thinking!!!

With school starting next week and the summer quickly drawing to a close, I step back and realize that it has been a difficult summer on some levels. Paul and I are doing great-- growing more in love every day. But my dad got sick right as school was ending. (BTW, he is doing remarkably well considering the level of stroke he had!) There has been multiple battles with both exes through the summer, but mainly with Paul's ex. Pray for us this week as he goes to court on Wed. I have learned all about the GAL (having a guardian at lit em) process. We have learned to take meticulous notes about the smallest of conversations. There is also the ongoing battle relating to the settling of Paul's father's estate. (You might remember that his dad died a year ago this month). We have learned much about the world of probate. Pray for this as well for Paul has a court hearing next week that will hopefully draw that to a close.

Probably my biggest trial of the summer has been with my stepson. He has struggled to find his place in our new family. So many people told me when I got remarried, I gained a new son. I began trying to retrain myself to think and talk of five children, not four. I tried my hardest to treat him just as I do my own children. But instead of my relationship with him growing closer, it is doing just the opposite. There are so many factors that contribute to this and I will not get into details here. But he is struggling. There is much upheaval in his life, and he is showing a lot of anger, and I get to be the lucky target the anger lands on!!! This week, he told said some things to his mom about me, to which she in turn called Paul fuming. These things stung me to the core. I struggled through it. I wanted to hate this kid right back. I wanted to reject him the same way he was rejecting me. But I knew I could not do that. I care, yes love, this little boy too much. He is the flesh and blood of the man I love. And ultimately, isn't Christ our example? Doesn't he love us still even when we do not love Him back?

This struggle, coupled together with multiple other events of the summer has left me feeling very much like a failure of a mom. I have battled this ever since I entered motherhood. I gain victory over it for a time, and then fall.... I have spent the better part of the summer beating myself up mentally for my shortcomings as a mom. Unfortunately, my down times manifest itself in a very defensive manner. A recent situation caused my pastor to lovingly pull me aside and chide me for it. Naturally, being the sensitive person that I am, I fell apart. I made things right with the person that I needed to, but continued to berate myself for days after.

My title for this blog is actually a line from a song. Our church choir has been practicing a song for many months for our big anniversary day. Today was finally the big day and we sung it well. The song is "Before the Throne of God Above." I had sung the song so many times, the words just flowed from me with out much thought. But when Pastor asked us to all sing it as a congregation, I had only the words printed on a paper in front of me. It was the second verse that almost jumped off the page and bit me!

"When Satan tempts me to despair, and tells me of the guilt within. Upward I look and see Him there-- who made an end to all my sin."

It was all I could do to keep my composure. Despair. That is where I have been the last couple of days. I have allowed my failings to beat me down and then it crushed me. You know how you can read something a hundred times without it really meaning anything, and then one day you read it and it is like a light bulb goes on? That happened for me today! Those closest to me keep reassuring me I am a very good and capable mom, and I know this logically in my head. But I can magnify the smallest failure and before I know it, I am the worst mom that has ever lived!

This is Satan at work on me. I have sung that song probably hundreds of times, but never fully got the "upward I look and see Him there--who made an end to all my sin!"

As the choir made our way back to our seats with the congregation singing our church favorite "Wonderful Grace of Jesus" I silently prayed for forgiveness for allowing Satan to tempt me in this way. I allowed my joy to be robbed for the last couple of days. I cried and beat myself to a pulp for my short comings when Christ has already forgiven them. I just had to look up!!

Being defensive will probably be a life long battle of mine. I will gain victory again, and I am sure I will fail again. But instead of staying down, I hope next time, I will remember this wonderful song, and not allow Satan to have my joy.

Healing tears

2009-06-13T21:18:00.003-04:00

It has been a LONG week! Last sun. night I received the news that my father had suffered a stroke and was not doing well. Things like this never hit a a good time, but this week seemed to be the worst! It was the last week of school (with all the hecticness that comes along with that), Bryce graduated from his "talking school," Kristen got her cast off...

I felt the real sense of urgency that I needed to see my father. I have no real relationship with this man. The last time I saw him was four years ago. We talk maybe once a year and I send him cards at Father's Day and Christmas. But at the end of the day, no matter what he has done with his life, he is still my dad and I love him.

I have known my dad was failing in health for a while now. He has had several other mini strokes over the last couple of years. Paul and I have planned financially for just this sort of thing. So we searched for the best flights that we could get and tried to flip our schedules around to go to Illinois for a couple of days.

Both my aunt and my sister had told me dad looked bad. In addition to the stroke, he had also had surgery the week before to remove some cancer in his mouth. They had to remove part of his tongue and the lymph nodes in his neck. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I entered Dad's room Tues. morning. He barely looked like the dad I remember. I will spare the details of the physical issues, but the next biggest thing that shocked me was the lack of life in him. I remember dad's hair always being very shiny and his eyes clear. The man that lay before me was dull, and at first glance I thought dad had cataracts because his eyes seemed very cloudy.

We stayed with Dad for several hours that day. I had brought along pictures of the kids and my wedding album. He said he really didn't feel like looking at pictures. I think he may have felt bad about that because a few minutes later he told me how he has all the pictures that I send him on the wall in his living room.

I am a nurse aide by profession. I deal with stroke victims every day. We are trained to be compassionate as the person you are caring for is some one's dad, mom, sister, brother, etc. But this is different. Now it's my dad. I assisted the nurse in boosting my dad up in bed since he could not do it himself. I propped up his back with a pillow. I swabbed his mouth with water because he was so dry from not being able to take any food in through the mouth. I sat watching the neurologist testing dad's arm strength and asking him to try to lift his leg. I knew what he was testing for. I know what road lies ahead for my dad. I also know that it takes a lot of mind power to rehab yourself after a stroke. "You gotta have the want to." We don't see that in dad. He does not seem to care. But he really wants to go home! So, maybe... for now, he has been transferred to a rehab facility. We got one little laugh out of him as we were all saying goodbye. My aunt really has quite a sense of humor and she said to him, "Now, try to stay on THIS side of the grass, would ya?"!! He chuckled and said "yea, I ain't ready for that."

Paul and I visited with my mom, sister, and aunt through the evening. It was a good visit. We popped back in on Dad Wed. morning for a while before heading back on the plane. Dad looked much better, his eyes were clearer and his speech better, although he said he did not feel any better. I gave him a big card and balloons and a Bonsai plant for Father's Day. I hugged him and told him I loved him and that I pray for him. This will probably be the last time I see him...

The trip back was long and full of delays. We got back at about 2 AM Thurs. morning and jumped right back into life here. Paul was back to work bright and early, Kristen got her cast off at 8:30 AM, half day of school for Tyler, picking the other kids back up from their dad's, laundry... No time to blink!

Fri. came with more end of school stuff and a HUGE fight with the ex about stuff that the kids went through while I was gone. Again, sparing details, just a gut-wrenching heartache. We have a mediation appt. this week to try to work some stuff out.

I did entitle this post "healing tears" for a reason! Almost right after I walked into dad's room, I whispered to Paul "when I walk out of here, I am going to loose it." Those tears never really came. I cried briefly Wed. morning when Paul and I were praying together, but not much. When we got home, there was so much to do, I really did not have time to grieve. Then so much turmoil with the ex. ...And I had to work last night!!! The tears started to flow when I called Paul on one of my breaks, but I had to very quickly get it back under control and go back to work. No real time for grieving there.

So, by this morning, I was physically and emotionally spent, hence my facebook entry of "weary, oh so weary." And yet, more trouble with the ex. He never called or showed up to take the kids for his visiting time... since Paul was working today, I called Mom and asked if she could take them while I got a few hours of sleep. The volcano of tears was so close to erupting as I handed the kids over to Mom and my sis in law. They poured out so much love on me with their kindness.

As I fell into bed, I turned on my trusty "meditation" cd from "Quieting a Noisy Soul." The first line of it says, "God is good, always. That means my soul can rest because I always know that God always has my best interests in mind." That was all that was needed for the floodgates to open. For the next few minutes, I cried--hard. I do not really remember thinking about anything, just needing to release the emotion. When the well was dry, an incredible peace flowed through me and I drifted off into zzzzz land for three blissful hours.

This week was tough. We all have them! But, as I have been reminded of my favorite verse yet again, God is faithful, and will not let me be tried beyond what I can bear. For all you "pray-ers" out there, please do remember us this week. The ex and the wife are really pushing buttons and are very antagonistic. Please pray for the kids. They are the ones who are really caught in this.

A hero of the faith

2009-06-07T14:52:00.004-04:00

Have you ever been in a worship service where something other than the preaching has a profound impact on you? I did this morning. Not to say that our Pastor's sermon was not wonderful, because it was; but for me, and some others' judging from the amount of people wiping their eyes, we had one of those moments that we will remember for a long time to come.

Our pastor wears many hats on a Sunday: Sunday School teacher, song leader, announcements, etc. Often times, to break things up a bit, Pastor will call upon a man in the congregation to say the opening prayer. Today he called upon Dave B. Dave is about the age of my parents and is one of the tallest men I have ever met. I could easily walk under his outstretched arm. Dave is a strong man of the faith, one that we have told our children to watch and model his behavior in worship. In recent weeks, Dave has been missing a lot of services due to a bad back. He is in immense pain and has even been using a cane to walk. He entered Sunday school this morning almost right at the end, and with each step he took, you could see the pain written all over his face.

The morning service opened with a rousing rendition of "And Can it Be?" Pastor, as usual called upon someone to open in prayer. He called on Mr. B. As you find yourself doing if you go to church regularly, I immediately bowed my head and waited for the prayer to start. Seconds rolled on. Just when I was starting to think maybe he hadn't heard Pastor, he began in a choked-with-emotion voice: "Lord, thank you so much for allowing us the privilege of being here today...."

I was instantly choked with tears myself, as I thought of the effort and dedication it took for him to be in that pew today. I do not really remember much of the rest of the prayer, but when the "Amen" was spoken, I looked up to see several others wiping their eyes as well. His incredibly sincere love and desire to be in God's house was so evident through the tone of his prayer. What a great reminder to all of us who can so methodically get up on a Sunday morning and just get ready for church. May we never take for granted the privilege of worshiping in God's house.

Three weeks in the life of the LaRue/ LaFlammes

2009-06-01T13:07:00.004-04:00

... Evening before Mother's Day... Had a blast at LaFlamme family Mother's Day cookout. Got stormed on big time- hail and all!! But such love and warmth from so many!

... Mother's Day morning... Papa somehow managed to keep all kids quite until a 7:30 wake up: all five kiddos surrounded my bed and screamed "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY" to wake me up. I got scarred out of my skin, but it was so precious. Each kid had a little something for me and then Paul wrapped it up with a beautiful flower bouquet in a Yankee Candle. He even made pancakes for everyone.

...Tyler sneaks a frog onto the bus to bring home from school. "Hoppy" became the main attraction for the next two days. Mom drew the line at allowing it into the house, but the kids set up a whole little "habitat" for it on the porch. Oh, how the tears flowed from poor Tyler when he awoke Sun. morning to find Hoppy belly up in his water. Paul took him out back and dug a hole under a tree where Ty lovingly buried him.

... Judson walks around the house for days saying "Hoppy dead. Hoppy dead." Tyler tears up just about every time.

... Judson gets his elbow dislocated while playing with kids at church. Trip to the ER. Three x-rays taken. I am told this is a very common injury amongst two-year-olds. We were shown how to pop it back in if it happens again-- really? Do you think this mom could just pop her own son's arm back into place?!!!

...I visit the dr. again. The swollen lymph node in my armpit has not gone away. (Relating back to my sickness of Jan. and Feb.) I have been referred to a surgeon for a biopsy. My consult is this week, but it sounds scarier than it is. Still no evidence to support cancer, they just need to find out why it is still inflamed. I will admit the prospects of a biopsy are not that inviting for me. Yea, a bit scary.

... Same night... Kristen falls off a playhouse while playing with kids at church. Arm still hurts the next morning, so off we go to the ER again. Three x-rays later, "yep, you broke your arm, Hunny." Mom learned a big lesson that day: the old saying "it's not broken as long as you can still move it" only works for fingers (as the nurse so politely informed me)!!

... The ex and I have a big fight about recent injuries.... that's all that needs to be said...

... we went to court with Paul's ex... many things discussed... a GAL (guardian at lit em) assigned... we are holding fast to God's promises and that "...the truth will set you free." Please pray with us over the next couple of months as things are being brought out, and that the blatant lies told will be all uncovered.

... We rejoice that God has provided so abundantly for our needs.

... Since my kids spent the night at their dad's and Paul had to return Gage to his mom at 7AM, we had five blissful hours the morning of Memorial Day to ourselves.... I'll just leave that one alone! We had a late breakfast and then got to work planting our garden...

... went with the kids on a field trip to a planetarium... great fun!!! Bryce later told people he had so much fun on the field trip to the "tiny-tarium"!!!!!

Seems there is never a dull moment with us... hopefully there will be no more serious injuries. We have a full summer ahead with two camping trips, VBS, Kristen in gymnastics, and whatever else we can find to do!

My husband, the mutant

2009-05-05T10:57:00.003-04:00

Disclaimer: this is a tongue-and- cheek post about men in general. I LOVE my husband and am just having a bit of fun at his expense!

If you follow me on Facebook at all, you will know that the family has been quite stricken with a nasty little stomach bug of late. By mid-week last week, it appeared to be over with only Paul left standing as the "healthy one." Strike that. Late Saturday night, the mighty one fell--- hard!

In the fifteen months that Paul and I have been dating/ married Paul has only been sick once. Two weeks after we were married, he got a very quick moving stomach bug that KO'd him for about a day. He was violently throwing up. But we were newlyweds. I felt so bad for him!!! He moaned and groaned, and I lovingly wiped his brow.

Fast forward seven months. Last Sunday, I was puking and, well, you know... We also had three kids that were doing the same. So, naturally, I stayed home from church with the three sick ones and Paul took the remaining two to church with him. It was not a fun day, but we managed.

Then, this weekend, after days of bragging that he was not going to get sick and how he was the only one who stayed healthy, Paul succumbed and a horrifying mutation occurred.

My normally very loving and selfless husband transformed into a writhing, groaning, self-absorbed... something! Mind you, I knew exactly what he was feeling-- I had been there just a few days before. He made one final valiant attempt to get ready for church Sunday morning, but when the rumbling took full hold of his belly, and the kids just happened to be in the bathroom brushing their teeth, they fell like a pile of bowling pins at the bellowing "GET OUT, EVERYBODY GET OUT, NOW!" My husband disappeared for the next day and a half. I did not know the man that replaced him.

He did attempt to take Gage to have his baseball team pictures taken on Sunday afternoon. His words to me about that was, "I had been driving for what seemed like years, and I looked down and realized I had only driven a mile."

During my drive home from Sunday PM church, I had called Paul just to talk to him. As I was chatting a mile a minute at him about this and that of church events, Paul suddenly interrupts me and says, "do you mind if I just hang up now? I am just really too tired to talk." Seriously, he had been by himself all day, no one to worry about but taking care of himself, and he had the audacity to say he was too tired to just listen!!! After all, what kind of strength does it require to just hold a phone against your ear and say a few "uh-huhs." So I hung up and shook my head at what babies men can be.

So, Mom got all five kids ready for morning church, took care of them all day, took them to evening church, fed them snack, tucked in each one, and then collapsed with a much deserved Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee and a snack. I watched a movie to unwind from the day's events, and then went to bed.

My first clue that I was not going to get a good night's sleep should have been when Paul half raised his head as I was crawling into bed and said "I am really restless, and just can't get comfortable." Translation: my husband had mutated yet again, this time into a giant, writhing octopus.

Have you ever seen that commercial for the mattress that is just so great that a wine glass balances perfectly in one corner while a grown man jumps on the bed? All I could think of as I was been tossed like a leaf in the wind was, "why didn't we get that mattress?" After about an hour, I had had all I could take, so I moved to the chair in our room that we refer to as the "comfy chair." It sure was a welcomed spot that night! At one point, Paul did realize that he had basically kicked me out of the bed, and managed some sort of and apology.

Monday morning rolled around finally, and I got the three older ones off to school. Paul slept for the better half of the day, but did manage to return to his normal self by the afternoon, where he redeemed himself by folding all the laundry for me!

I laughed through much of this, but mused to myself many times at just why do they refer to women as the "weaker sex?"!!!!

Precious Bryce

2009-04-22T12:31:00.003-04:00

Bryce with Judson

I mentioned Bryce in my last post. Thankfully, the puking is over!!!! Bryce has a very special place in my heart. (I know, all my children are each special and loved equally-- please let me explain!!!)

I almost lost Bryce twice during his birth. He was in a breech position up til about a week before he was born, and I even had a c-section scheduled. When he finally flipped around, unknown to us until his birth, his cord got very tangled up around his leg. When my water broke, it compressed the cord, and his heart rate plummeted. He was four minutes away from being born by emergency c-section when we were able to relieve the pressure on him. I labored the rest of the time on my left side with my right leg held up in the air! Bryce also decided to try to come out face up in stead of face down and subsequently got very stuck in my pelvis! They had to vacuum suction him so hard he had a giant "hickey" on the top of his head that took a full month to heal! I called him my little Jewish boy since the bruise looked like a Jewish hat!

Fast forward almost five years now, and I am convinced that the short amount of time that he was deprived of oxygen during birth did have some affect on him. He has needed speech therapy since he was 2, but is now doing very well. He still has difficulty getting out all his thoughts, and will often start trying to tell me something and then just stop and say, "I love you!"

Bryce has been in our school's K-4 program this year. HE LOVES SCHOOL!!!!! He loves his teacher and all his friends. But Bryce's teacher called me yesterday. He is lagging way behind in reading skills. I knew this from the practice that I do with him, but was hoping that he would soon get it. He does not see that putting letters together can make a word. All he sees is single letters all in a row. We decided that Bryce will be repeating K-4. I know this is best for him, but I am sad as well. If I ever hear someone tease him that he flunked preschool, I do believe I will rip that kid to shreds!!!!!!

God has blessed Bryce with such a special gift. What he lacks in academic ability, he far exceeds in social skills. For as long as I can remember, everyone loves Bryce. He is cute and soooo funny! He has gorgeous eyes and he is so friendly to everyone. Bryce struggled for a long time with pronoun usage. He always referred to himself and "me." We would be walking in a store and he would proudly say to anyone who would make eye contact with him, "Hi! Me Bwyce!"

Bryce also has an incredible gift of knowing just when you need a lift. I posted his "I Love you so double bad" just a couple of weeks ago! But what touched me so much yesterday, was what his teacher said to me. She of course wants Bryce to do well, but she is also excited that she gets to have Bryce in her class for another year. She enjoys him so much.

She told me how Bryce recently threw his arms around he and said, "Miss Platka, I love you so much. You are the bestest teacher. You are like a great big birthday cake for the whole school!!"

Today...

2009-04-20T08:20:00.002-04:00

Saw this format on Tina's blog and thought it was worth doing myself!!!

Today...

I'm wondering..... Will the vomit ever stop? (My poor little Bryce has been puking since about 4 AM.)

I'm reading... Do I read? I suppose you could count my Bible and the Ladies' Bible Study book "What do I know about my God?"

I'm feeling... thankful for God's amazing provision, even when we have meltdowns and totally lose sight of His providence, then He slaps you upside the head with exceeding abundance a couple of days later!!!

I'm happy.... Our mortgage situation is resolved and we will not be losing our house!!! Also, for the bags of boys' clothes that was laid in my lap this weekend!

I'm dreaming.... of a pollen free springtime!

I'm going..... Had planned to shoe shop for the boys... now the only thing I am doing today is LAUNDRY-- two sets of bed linens and just about every towel in the house plus all the normal weekend laundry YUCK :(

I'm wishing... both exes would just move to the farthest place on the earth!

I'm enjoying... my very loving husband. In spite of the trials that swirl around us, we have this very safe haven in each other. Oh, how I love being wrapped in his arms.

I'm planning..... my garden, cleaning the garage, planting flowers, fires by the swing.... can we say spring fever!!!

I'm laughing.... At our Pastor's illustration yesterday morning. A drunken man that had died at age 48 from alcoholism--"he pickled his liver"

I'm loving.... my life-- oh, there are just too many things to list!

I'm listening... to Bryce groan with his upset stomach and Judson chatter happily to himself while coloring (but somehow a hammer just appeared and he is now smashing the crayons into tiny pieces!!!), the washing machine spinning away all the puke, and the background of an ever- popular Avatar cartoon.

I'm wanting.... an ice cream maker-- I just think it would be totally cool to make my own ice cream!!!

I'm thinking.... how can I make Bryce feel better? The poor guy just came up and laid on my lap and then went right back to the couch groaning.

I'm clinging to.... my favorite verse of all time...

I Cor. 10:13
There hath no trial taken you but such as is common to man. But God is faithful, and will not allow you to be tried beyond that which you are able, but will with the trial also make a way of escape, so that you may be able to bear it.

The changes that people notice

2009-04-08T09:38:00.002-04:00

Monday night I went to my ladies' Bible study. At one point of the discussion we were talking about prayer. Our leader said how so many blessing go unrealized because we fail to REALLY pray in faith believing that God will answer our prayer. "You have not because you ask not."

I spoke up about how hard that is. I gave the example of something that I have thought so much about over the last year. The night that Rodney left and I sat sobbing in my Pastor's living room, Hope, my pastor's wife told me this was a temporary thing. My heart's desire was to have a Godly, two parent home for my children. God would not have me be a "widow" so young. This was temporary.

Of course, what I thought she meant was that naturally my husband would repent and come back to us, and we would be a happy little family again. As the months wore on and that did not happen, I began to think that Hope had said that to me just to make me feel better. But she said it several more times as well. Never did she expound on it, but just a gentle reminder that God has a plan.

Now, as the second year has come and gone on that horrible day, I can look back and see just how right Hope really was. Oh, it didn't seem temporary then. But there are several women in my church that have been single moms two and three times as long as I was. Paul and I started dating just 11 months after I became single. What is truly amazing is the transformation that happened in me that I didn't even know needed to happen.

My dear friend Kerry and I sang special music on Sun. Every once in a while you get one of those songs that just fits your voice and you blend perfectly with the other person. "Holy Ground" was that for us! It challenged us a bit, but was beautiful to sing and has a great message.

Getting back to the Bible study, the comments that followed my story blew me away. I am not the same person that sat on my Pastor's couch that night. Yes, there are some scars, but over those scars has grown a beautiful confidence on my Savior instead of a man. I used to live in a sort of fear of upsetting my husband and did not carry myself with any confidence at all. The women told me that I walked right up on stage Sunday morning with my shoulders square and head up. (I have a very acute memory of Hope helping me to see just how not confident I used to walk and stand!)

Somewhere over the last two years that old, beaten down woman has disappeared. I had no idea how I looked when I walked up on that stage Sunday morning. Our sound lady also said as we got into position she thought there was going to be a problem since Kerry was standing closer to the mic than I was. As we began to sing, I unconsciously adjusted myself and we blended perfectly!

One of the older men in the church recently told Paul that I am positively beaming these days. What is amazing to me is that was said during a time when I was physically rather sick! While I am truly very happy with Paul, I think that glow that I exhibit is not so much attributed to Paul himself, but to the fact that I went through a temporary darkness in order to come out stronger!

I wish that I could say that I have mastered praying in faith, believing. I have a long way to go, I am sure. As Paul and I face some new challenges in dealing with our ex spouses, I am reminded of the scene from "Facing the Giants." We must continue on and "prepare for the rain."

So double bad

2009-03-27T07:57:00.002-04:00

I was just typing away here and Bryce walks up to me and plops in my lap.

"Mom."

"Yes, Bryce."

"I love you."

"I love you, too. Now give mom a big hug."

(Getting the life squeezed out of me) "Mom, I love you so double bad. That means I love you very, very, very much!"

And that, my friends, is what being a mom is all about!

My sensitive one

2009-03-27T07:33:00.002-04:00

Oh, how life just keeps on flying by! There are so many things that I could blog about, but that would require a steady flow of time to just sit at a computer!!! But I just had to share this story with everyone.

I think I have mentioned before how Tyler is my very sensitive, tender-hearted child. He is now seven and tells us he wants to be a preacher when he grows up. At the end of family devotions last night, he asked when he could be baptized.

Side note: At our church, we do not have a traditional baptistery. We use a local boat ramp area at a lake not far from our church. So, naturally, being in a place where our lakes are frozen over almost half the year, we only have a baptismal service a couple of times a year.

Paul and I dismissed the other kids, and I asked Tyler why did he want to get baptized. The eyes filled with tears and he said he did not want to sin anymore. Uh-Oh! Things are just a bit messed up in his precious little mind! So we had a nice chat as to how you really get saved. Now, I truly believe that Tyler is saved. He had prayed the salvation prayer, but more importantly, he lives it. In his child-like faith, he loves the Lord and wants to do right. I think that is why last night was so precious to me. All he wants is to not do wrong anymore!!! His eyes bugged out in amazement at my answer to his question if Pastor still sins too. We all still sin and will always sin until we are in heaven. It must be our goal to not sin, but we are not perfect.

We tell Tyler just about every night when we are tucking him into bed to keep his heart soft toward God. It will make you a great preacher someday! Oh, how I pray for my little boys (and daughter) to grow to be a good men of God! Wouldn't that be the ultimate blessing from all the sadness and heartache that we have endured.

Handwriting... a thing of the past?

2009-02-19T08:53:00.004-05:00

Thoughts on this post begin a week ago. Paul commented on how Gage (his son) holds his hands in the correct position when typing. I told him it is probably because Gage has computer classes in school each week. Then the conversation jumped to how Gage (in public school) takes computer classes, but has not even begun to learn cursive writing. On the other hand, Tyler, who is a grade less than Gage but in a conservative Christian school, has no clue about the proper hand placement for the keyboard and yet has impeccable cursive writing. Is one better than the other? I truly have no idea.

A recent post on my friend Cindy's blog talked about the same thing. I talked to a friend who home schools here about it yesterday, and she agreed that it is a dying art. She has stopped doing handwriting with her kids. Gone are the days of beautiful flowing penmanship. We email and text and leave voicemail. Things that might actually get sent via "snail mail" are most often typed out as well. I am no better. I sent out many "Christmas cards" just this last week :) and the only thing hand written on them was the address. I have beautiful cursive penmanship, but pretty much the only time I use it is for my signature.

There is a big part of me that is grieved by this passage of a skill. It is great that a child halfway through second grade can type proficiently. But are we doing our children a disservice by impersalizing them so much? Will my daughter ever get a hand written love note from her would-be husband? Or will they even care about such things?! Will my grandchildren be able to understand my writing if I so choose to hand write them a note? This electronic age has brought so many new opportunities, but has it also "dumbed" us down in the process?

A divorced girl sees "Fireproof"

2009-02-10T08:41:00.002-05:00

Up here in the liberal Northeast, we did not have many theaters that showed the movie "Fireproof." The few that did, showed them at crazy times or they were just too far away for us to get to. Therefore, Paul and I ended up waiting until it came out on dvd. We rented it this weekend and snuggled up to watch it Saturday evening.

I have been told by so many people that it is a fabulous movie and that all couples should see it. I would agree that it is a wonderful movie. Well done! There is a good balance with some humor tossed in, and I have always been a softie for Kirk Cameron. And how cool is it that he was really kissing his real life wife in the end?!! I knew the premise of the movie. I knew about the porn addiction and the 40 day love dare.

But I was completely unprepared for how raw my emotions still are about these issues. I mean, really. It has been two years. I am happily remarried to the most amazing man. We have our stresses, just like everyone, but I really have so much more to be thankful for than to complain about!

The tears started to form just a few minutes in, and then I just sobbed and sobbed my way through it. I completely lost it somewhere around when Catherine tells Caleb how can he expect her to respect him when there is nothing honorable about what he was just looking at. I really fell apart and even said "I don't think I can finish this" at the part where Caleb puts on this beautiful candle lit dinner and Catherine completely rejects it. There were so many memories and scars being ripped open. We did finish the movie. And when it was over, Paul just held me and let me cry until all the tears were gone. I completely soaked the front of his shirt! No, I had never officially done a 40 love dare. I know that I was not perfect and made mistakes as well. But I lived those things to my ex every day. I loved him with all that I could, and he still threw me away.

As Paul gently stroked my hair and wiped my tears, he reminded me that it was God that my ex chose to throw away. All the pain welled up again as I said, "I know, but he still threw me away, too." He so gently reminded me that all those things are past now, and how thankful he is to have the ministry of caring for me and the kids. He knows what a precious jewel we are and is amazed that God chose him to care for us. Paul has told me these things before, but they meant so much that night. I know that when we took our vows nearly four months ago and we said "til death do us part" that he took it seriously. Paul married me, yes, because he loves me; but also because he believes the Lord called him to this life. God called him to minister love to four children who need a Godly man and a badly scarred woman who needs to know she is not just someone else's reject.

In short, "Fireproof" is a wonderful movie for almost everyone to see! I am glad I saw it. I just probably won't want to see it again for a while. I think I have cried enough!!!

Christmas curve ball.... and more curve balls.... and It is well with my soul!

2009-02-02T12:14:00.001-05:00

This post has been forming in my mind for months now! I must give credit where it is due- the "Christmas curve ball" title is stolen from a radio program title I heard around Christmas! But yesterday as I was reading two blogs of dear friends going through intense struggles, I knew it was time to share my own. And then the words just started flowing in my mind as I listened last night to a musical concert at our church to dedicate our new baby grand piano that was just given to us. Our pastor's sister in law has a degree in music ped.... whatever that big word is... she is a FABULOUS piano player! She pounded out songs such as "Joshua fit de battle" and "And can it be." But she ended the night with the most beautiful rendition of "It is well" that I have ever heard. I was choking back the tears and I had my title for this blog!

I have been married for three and a half months now and all would be pure bliss if we could just live on a desert island and have no contact with the outside world!!! Ok, that may be a bit extreme! But let me start back at last fall. I will keep things very broad as to not slander a certain ex husband, but my child support income began to slowly fade away last Sept. By the end of Nov. when we ended up in court, he was behind $2,000. He changed his jobs last year significantly and the court awarded him a reduction in the monthly amount he pays by $1,100. The arrearage was ordered to be paid back at $100 per month. I was sinking financially very fast and hard. God's timing is so wonderful, because Paul's income helped a lot. But not enough to keep us out of serious trouble. We did the proverbial "robbing Peter to pay Paul" thing for the fall months, but by Dec. we knew we were not going to be able to maintain things as they are. I was awarded the house in my divorce, but it also came with a huge mortgage. I never had a problem paying it before because the child support covered it. Now, the housing market has crashed, our income has crashed, and we are in the forclosure process. But.... it is well with my soul.... now.

In the beginning, I did not know all my options, and I thought we would be moving by Feb. I struggled... hard. I love stability. I do not want to have the kids moving all the time. I also love my home. I have painted and decorated every square in of it and made it mine. The kids have a huge yard to play in. I planted my first garden last year and want to expand it this year. When Paul moved in, we redid the master bedroom and made it ours. I cried... so much. And then I soul searched and found that all these years I have misplaced my security by putting it in my house instead of in the Lord first and formost, and with those who live with me. I finally surrendered my will to His and gave this house back to my Lord. I wish that I could say that some big miracle happened and the forclosure has gone away. It hasn't yet. But so many small miracles have happened...

It is not a done deal that we will have to move. Because the markets have crashed so bad, the house is worth about 30,000 less than I owe. Thus, the bank really does not want to forclose because they will loose a lot. So I am waiting to hear if they can redo the terms, whatever that will mean! So we wait.

Paul also started a new job with higher pay. In an economy where people are getting laid off just about every day, we had a job practically laid in Paul's lap. He now works at the same nursing home that I do and is the food service director. He enjoys it very much and feels like he can finally fully spread his wings and fly, professionally speaking.

I mentioned more curve balls. I had not been feeling well for a good chunk of Dec. Not keep me in bed all day sick, just not quite right. Then I noticed a lump in my armpit. I really freaked out and went right in to the dr. He checked me over and told me he wanted to run some blood tests. It was probably nothing, but it could be leukemia. The next day and a half was tourteruos. After all that I have been through, now I might have cancer, too?!!!! Again, I cried and cried. Paul comforted me as best as he could, but all I could think of was that I was going to die and leave him and the kids alone! Oh, how our minds do run wild! But again, through prayer, I surrendered my sickness to whatever the Lord will have for me.

I can "happily" report I am cancer free, but I do have mono. I was given a work note lasting through at least the end of Feb. While it has been wonderful to not have to work, I still have five children and a home to run. Paul has been amazing for me. He has done so much to help and lovingly chides me when I try to do too much. If you know anything about mono, the biggest obsticle is fatigue. I sleep so much, and if I do not sleep, then I get very weak. I also have these peircing headaches. They do seem to be getting better, though.

I do need to begin to wrap this up!!! God is blessing us in so many ways. Things with my ex are very smooth right now. He has a new girl friend that actually seems to be good for him. He is more agreeable lately and he has agreed to pay the arrearage child support in a lump sum with his taxes. The kids are doing well. They have bonded great with Paul. Bonding with Paul's son has been a bit tougher as he is not with us all the time. But is getting better.

My heart aches for my dear friends in Rockford right now. May you draw strength from our wonderful Savior. I have been through so much, and yet there is so much more sorrow all around me.

I want to close with a paraphrase from my friend Tina's blog. The morning that I was getting my test results back, I looked at her blog and found her entry for the day. It was entitled something like "thanking God for the fleas." It told the story of how Corrie Ten Boom and her sister were reading the Bible while in that horrible concentration camp. The read "in everything give thanks." Corrie's sister said that it meant they should be thankful even for the fleas. As the story later revealed, it was because the room had fleas so badly, that the guards never came in and they were able to hold open Bible studies there.

Yes, I must thank God for my "fleas" and know that the "testing of my faith brings patience."

A tender moment

2008-12-15T22:23:00.002-05:00

Oh, how I have longed to blog! I do miss it! Life is soooooo full right now I can hardly keep everything straight. Yes, married life is WONDERFUL!!!!! We have each other's quirks that we are adjusting to, but we just smile at each other and stand in awe that God has placed us together. I have so much to tell everyone, I promise to make a new year's resolution to blog more.

But I just have to share this story with all of you. Bryce is my four year old. Bryce is adorably cute and everyone just loves him. We can go to a restaurant and at least one person will say how cute he is and ask to take him home! I find myself being very protective of Bryce. I almost lost him during labor and he has struggled with speech difficulties. He has been teased a few times about how he says certain words, and wow, do the mother claws come out! He is doing well, but he still struggles with getting his feeling out.

We have all been sick this past week. Horrible colds and coughs. Bryce stayed home from school on Thurs. so his teacher sent his papers home with his older brother. The ice storm hit as well as my work schedule, so I did not get around to checking the school bags until Sat. night. In with the school papers Bryce's teacher wrote him a note. It said they all hoped he would get better soon and they missed his beautiful smile. Bryce was very quite and had his head down very low. Then I realized his face was getting red, so I gently pulled his face up to look at mine. That is when I noticed he had tears streaming down his face. I asked him what was wrong, and he held up his hands as if to say "I have no idea what is happening right now!" but he just said in his sweet voice, "I just like it so much. They like my beau-ful mile." I promptly dissolved into tears and wrapped him in my arms. A few minutes later he came back to me holding his note. Again his eyes were full of tears and he asked me if we could hang it by his bed.

To see such raw emotion from your child is so precious. My baby is growing up.

Great link

2008-11-05T16:24:00.002-05:00

Hat tip to my friend Cindy for posting some great thoughts about the election. She gave a great link to someone I have never heard of, but this woman gave a very different point of view on the election. I do not agree with her on some points, but most she is right on!

Excerpt from Still His Girl :

I cried with joy and gratitude to see our country move beyond insane racial prejudice and recognize that all men are created equal.

I cried with sadness to see that our country has not yet moved beyond insane belief that all babies are not created equal and are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights-like the right to life.

I rejoiced that little black children FINALLY see someone who resembles them become President and know that it can happen for them as well.

I mourned that little children of all different colors will continue to be aborted, can never dream of being President, and that our future President, good man that he is, will not protect them.

I winced that a woman who raised a pioneering man did not live to see him make history.

I winced that a woman who raised a brave man did not get to see him elected.

I marveled that our country transfers power so easily and peacefully.

I marveled that ANYONE would want the job of President.

I admired a gracious concession speech by a true hero.

This laugh brought to you by Tyler

2008-11-05T14:02:00.003-05:00

I have to write these down before I forget and they are just too precious to keep to myself!

Monday night Kristen plopped down on our bed complaining about the bathroom being in use (there seems to always be a line for the bathroom these days!!) Paul joked with her to "take a number." Tyler pipes up ever so innocently, "Can I please have a number too?" We laughed so hard as Paul tried to explain what the phrase "take a number" really means!!

But that is not even the best part!!!

Our family devotions that night was about Noah and the building of the ark. Our habit for putting the kids to bed is for Paul and I to pray with each kid as we tuck them in. Sometimes they want to pray as well, and we let them. Tyler wanted to pray. (Have I mentioned that Tyler wants to be a preacher when he grows up)?

The prayer that ensued was much more of a sermon. Complete with voice getting forceful and everything. He was preaching away about the bad people that Noah had to be with and how they did not love God. I was literally biting my shirt to control the laughs, but after about five minutes I had to stop him. He could have gone on all night!! Again, Paul found himself trying to explain things to Tyler. He just looked at us blankly when Paul said that prayer is thanking God for things and asking His help for needs!

Oh, how I love Tyler's heart for the Lord!! It is my prayer he will never loose his zeal-- watch out 15 or so years from now!!

A new day has dawned.....

2008-10-27T12:51:00.003-04:00

Here is a beautiful slide show of pictures from our wedding. My friend, Stacy, took all the pics and set them to music. I could not have asked for a better day. The weeks leading up to the wedding were full of challenges and learning experiences that I will blog about later, but for now, sit back and enjoy the show!! The song is "If you could see what I see" by Geoff Moore. This song has become very special to us as Paul has helped me so much to overcome my insecurities with the past and begin to see myself the way others see me.

We honeymooned until Wed. in the mountains of northern New Hampshire at a beautiful bed and breakfast called the Snowflake Inn. We could not have asked for a better start to our new life. I must echo the words of the apostle Paul in Eph. "Exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think..." The last 19 months (and much longer, really) have been so hard. But my God is faithful and has carried me and my precious little ones through. I truly did not understand what I was missing all these years!

Excitement and tragedy

2008-09-02T11:18:00.002-04:00

Engagement is supposed to be such a happy time. And it is-- in one respect. Paul and I are so happy and we had several days of pure blissful enjoyment. And then tragedy struck. Thank you all for your prayers. This has probably been the toughest week of my dear Paul's life. We got a call last Mon. night that Paul's father had passed away. Over the next day, the details of things became painfully real to us. His dad actually died sometime on Thurs. but was not discovered until Mon. evening. The medical examiner assured us his passing was quick. He suffered a massive rupture of an ulcer. I will spare any more detail than that other than to say that Paul has images burned into his memory that will haunt him for a long time to come. He so lovingly tried to shield me from seeing the worst of things, and bore that burden for me. He tells me I was so strong for him. I just did what I could! I wrapped my arms around him and allowed the grief to happen. I prayed with him for us to have an opportunity for growth from this horrible thing. I quietly stood by his side during the visitation and funeral. I greeted so many of my soon to be family, just wishing we could have met under better circumstances. I made the 45 min. drive up north to his father's house countless times with Paul last week. I watched him grieve some more. I watched him give to others so selflessly. I thanked God for bringing this man into my life.

There is much to do with settling the estate and everything, (not to mention planning a wedding, work, parenting...) so your continued prayers are appreciated.

An urgent prayer request

2008-08-26T05:32:00.002-04:00

It is with much sadness that I sit down to write this morning. I ask all of you to lift up my beloved, Paul. His father passed away very suddenly from a massive hemorrhage sometime over the weekend. He was found last night by a friend. Paul's dad was a professing Christian, but did not have much of a walk. Please pray for Paul as the burden of making all the arrangements and taking care of his affairs falls largely on Paul's shoulders. Also, pray especially for his sister, Dory. Dory was very close to their dad and took the news very hard. She is just a bit over three weeks away from having her first child. It has been a very high risk pregnancy, so please pray for her safety as well as that of her baby. Pray that she may be able to somehow get here for the funeral as she lives in SC. News like this is never easy and always seems to come at the worst time. Pray for us to have witnessing opportunities though it all.

The long awaited announcement

2008-08-22T14:15:00.003-04:00

So, I haven't blogged all summer, and now you hear from me three times in a week!!!

Much to say... so little time to blog....

Ok, enough dragging on the suspense! Yes, all my friends, the night has ended for me. Paul proposed last night in a beautiful simple way that is exactly us. The date has been set for Oct. 18. We even had our first pre-marital counseling session with our pastor yesterday.

But as for the good stuff that all girls love to know: I think I have mentioned our fire pit in the back yard. Having fires after the kids are in bed had become quite common for us and very special. We bought a swing a month or so ago, so the fire time is quite cozy.

It has been quite cool the last few nights here, so we made a fire and were sipping some great flavored tea and I was eating some of my favorite Dove chocolates. We talked of some of the stuff we had just discussed in counseling with Pastor and yes, of the challenges that lay ahead of us with blending the kids together. Paul so sweetly reassured me of his love for the Lord, me, and the kids. He said many other sweet things that I will save for just us, but before I really even realized what was happening, he was before me on one knee, the fire behind him, asking me to be his bride. The setting was perfect as the fire light reflected off the diamonds. Naturally, the tears began to flow, and the only word that I could find was "yes."

A year and a half ago it seemed my world had ended. I was alone with four small children to raise. I felt no one could possible want someone with four kids and was some one else's reject. It is still hard for me to see myself the way others see me. My pastor called me a "precious gem" that Paul must love more than his own life. I do believe he does!

I do plan to write more in the coming days on my process to marriage. School starts on Mon.-- maybe then I will have some free time to write!! Yeah, right!

Here's some pics that I have taken today of my new ring! He picked perfectly-- set in white gold, it has three stones in the middle and then three small stones on each side for a total of nine diamonds!!

A new addition

2008-08-22T14:05:00.003-04:00

We have a new addition to the house this week: her name is Mittens- our new kitten. She is about six months old, and is the hit of the week with everyone. I must admit, I am not really a cat lover, but she has grown on me quite a bit in the three days that she has been with us. And the best part is (so far anyway!) no real allergy issues with any of us!! Hope it stays that way- I think the kids would be heart broken to get rid of her!

Summer fun

2008-08-19T18:49:00.005-04:00

I know, I know!! It has been about forever since I have given any kind of updates of things around here!! The summer is just days away from being over and my, has it flown by! When I look back, it is hard to say what consumed so much of the summer since we only did a few big things. We went to our town lake several times (I learned a first hand the importance of re-applying sun lotion- earned a whole weekend of sick time from the second degree sunburn--serious pain!) The boys went with Paul to the men's church camp out in June and then we all went to the family camp out last week. We spent the Fourth of July in Maine meeting much of Paul's family. VBS was a great highlight the first week of Aug. as well as a trip to the ocean that week with many of the church friends.

Busy, busy, never ending... We have had much rain here this summer, so we had to be creative with finding stuff to keep us busy and not drive each other crazy!!

So here are some pictures of the happenings of this summer

Bryce and Judson playing ball at the church family camp out last week. Judson and I while camping last week.

Tyler being silly. Kristen and her friend all made up for a sleepover!

Judson LOVES his blanket! This is a very common way for him to fall asleep in the van. Kristen takes a swim on the Fourth of July.

A Knight's Tale

2008-06-19T10:52:00.003-04:00

WARNING!!! If you do not want to hear a mushy love story, then please do not continue reading. But I know many of you are dying to find out the details of my new life, so here goes...

This story begins last Aug. at our church's family camp out. Everyone knows the horrors of what life was for me last year. By late Aug. the shock of everything was beginning to wear off and a spark of life beyond divorce began to emerge. I have known Paul for years and have watched him grow in the Lord. I had taught his son for a couple of years in my Sunday School class. I knew he was a nice man, good looking, kind-- and single. But it was at this family camping trip that I first noticed Paul as good husband material. He awakened the part of me that I thought had died when the divorce happened. I briefly talked with my pastor, and he strongly cautioned me against anything because my healing was only just beginning.

Fast forward several months through all the horrors of the fall-- and all the healing that occurred through those great trials... Paul was a constant in my life through it all. A very small crew of us meet every Sunday before Sunday School for prayer. I stumbled upon the group by "accident" one morning as I was seeking a quiet place to regroup after a busy night at work. They invited me to pray with them and I found exactly what my soul needed. Paul has a very soothing voice, and week after week, his prayers were a healing balm for my heart. Through it all there was a certain attraction that both of us felt, but neither of us had any idea that anything was possible...

As I mentioned in earlier posts, with the coming of the new year and my healing process well under way, the loneliness and over-whelming desire for my children to have a father really kicked in. Paul was still in the back of my mind, but I really did not think anything was really there. By the end of Jan. Paul had somehow moved to the front of my mind!! So I again cornered my pastor and to my complete shock, he gave me a cautious green light!

So how does a shy girl go about letting a man know she is interested in him for more than just being prayer partners? A big "thank you" to whomever sent me one of those "getting to know your friends better" fill in the blank lists!! I filled it out and sent it on to many of you girls and sandwiched his email in the middle! Paul took the bait and filled in his answers. I was grinning from ear to ear when I saw his email on my screen. There was also my kids' birthday party to which I asked him to pick up pizzas on his way over to save me a trip. (He lives right down the street from the pizza place.)

This brings us to the church family winter retreat. A bunch of us were caravanning. My time schedule was a bit off from the big group's, so I sheepishly asked Paul if he would lead the way for me since I did not know where we were going. So he became my personal escort for the weekend. The retreat was a dream and we spent much time talking and playing games- with and without others. Sat. morning stands out as the real beginning of "us." I was up with Judson very early downstairs in the common area. Paul came down in search of coffee. No one else was up yet, and we had some great quiet time just talking and watching Judson play. It is a very special memory for both of us.

It is now just a few days short of four months since that time. Yes, I will just lay it out there. I am hopelessly in love. No, we are not engaged yet, but wedding bells are definitely in the not-too-distant future. With all that I have come through, I still pinch myself that it is possible to be so happy again. Before things happened, I would have never said that I had a bad marriage. I had no idea what I was missing all these years!!! Paul is so selfless, I do not know how to react sometimes. He is continually putting my needs before his own- something I have never had before.

I entitled this post "A Knight's Tale" for a special reason. (Paul, I hope you are not too embarrassed that I am sharing this with everyone-- love you!!) I think just about every couple has pet names for each other. In trying to come up with ones for us, I started calling him "my Knight." If you know me at all, you know that my favorite movie of all time is "Ever After." The Cinderella story is timeless and I love that whole Medieval time period. Paul has rescued me from so much and makes me feel so special. Then one day I got this incredible email. He tells all about the life of a knight and what he lives for. And how there is only one thing that is more powerful than a knight's love for his country... his love for his "Lady." My heart melts every time I am called "my Lady." There is so much respect and reverence that comes along with it. And Paul treats me like a lady in every way-- and tells me regularly that it will still be like this 50 years from now!! Yes, I think we both know that some of the fury heart fluttering will fade with time. But God has blessed me with a fiercely loyal person, thus putting many of my insecurities to rest.

We have had to be very creative in finding time to be with each other. Do we "go out" much? No, we are parents!! But that does not mean that we do not find the time to build our relationship. We are very glad for warm weather. The building of the fire pit has been sooooo great!! We sit for hours talking by the fire- after the kids are safely tucked in bed, of course!

It is true, we have had issues to overcome, and I am sure there are still more to be discovered. But just like an onion, he has pealed so many layers of protection off my heart and now hold the real thing in his hands! And we are so thankful that God has seen fit to give us a second chance at having a Godly home. The kids adore him, and we are fielding more and more questions about when we are getting married. We grit our teeth and say "when God's timing is right."

Oh, how God is developing patience!! It is so hard to wait!! Our pastor has some pretty strong rules for us in our dating relationship. They seemed so easy in the beginning, but as time goes on... arggggg! But we both know that it will be so worth it in the end! And all this restraint definitely adds to the respect factor. I know that Paul respects me and his position as the leader of our home so much that he is willing to put his own desires at bay for the time.

So, the tale of this "Lady" is just beginning to unfold. There will be much more to come and thank you all for sharing with me!

You know you grew up in the '80s...

2008-06-11T14:10:00.006-04:00

I am spending WAY too much time on the computer today, but I just had to link this recent post from my friend Cindy's blog. since I have no idea how to link you to the actual post, so click on cindy and have some fun.

Instant summer... and other stuff

2008-06-11T12:08:00.004-04:00

Summer has hit NH with a vengeance! We had several days where the lows at night were the highs of just a couple of weeks ago!! But the welcome cold front came through last night and today is balmy, beautiful, and sunny. School is officially out this week and I have quite the feeling it is going to be a busy but oh, so fun summer ahead. We moms are noticing something different this year. As the kids are getting older, they are starting to make plans for things amongst themselves and we are just the taxi service that accomplishes their desires!!! I can not tell you how many sleep-overs are planned for the next few months!

I thought I might include a few pics from recent days. Paul and his son, Gage, continue to become more and more a part of our lives, and what used to be that Paul and I only saw each other at church and on Tues. has now become just about every day with each other in some way. We are enjoying many grill-outs and have even planted a garden this year- a big step for this city girl!! I am so excited to report that everything we have planted is sprouting!! I can't wait to see what kind of produce we get from it!!

Here is a self portrait Paul and Gage.
Paul with Judson. The kids are bonding well with him, and routinely snuggle up with him.
My baby is growing up so fast!!! This pic captures him so well! Judson is one stubborn kid, but when he is having fun- watch out! Here, he is playing in a laundry basket with some books.

Tyler graduated from kindergarten this past Fri. I am so proud of him as he is an excellent student. He has recently been very forceful in the fact that he wants to be a preacher when he grows up. What a joy to this mom!! We encourage him to follow that dream and tell him a preacher must always love and keep God first in everything.
A proud mom and her oldest boy.

Just too good to keep to myself

2008-05-21T08:40:00.002-04:00

Every once in a while I get forwarded something that is just too good to keep to myself. I was sent a You Tube clip on my facebook funwall that positively moved me to tears. I could not figure out how to transfer the post from facebook to my blog, so I searched You Tube. I could not find the exact clip, but was so amazed at how this man has touched so many. There were seven pages of clip about him and in many different languages! Enjoy this clip that is close to what I was sent!

Updates

2008-05-16T12:28:00.003-04:00

Hey, everyone!! Just thought I would send out some updates on the happenings of my life! Things are a whirlwind of activity and never a dull moment.

First, let me update you on Kristen. Her ear surgery seems to be a success, but the recovery time has been much harder and longer than we expected. She still has some pain and the packing is not yet dissolved fully. She is very sensitive to anyone getting remotely close to her ear, which presented quite a problem last week when it was time for the stitches to come out. She ended up kicking and hitting the Dr. (He was NOT impressed!) This led to her being scheduled the next day for another surgery to remove the stitches. What should have been an in-and-out thing turned into an all morning thing. They gave her some meds. to relax her before they used the face mask anesthesia. It ended up knocking her out cold for several hours! My suspicion is the nurse made an error and gave her the adult form of it. She was fine, though, and we had some good laughs when she finally started to wake up. At one point she looked at me very seriously and said, "Mommy, you have two heads. Really." She found her finger very interesting and tried to count the legs on the picture of the rocking horse on the wall. She didn't remember me dressing her and looked in shock when she realized she was no longer in her gown! The skin graft area has healed nicely, and now we are just waiting out the rest of the ear.

Summer is almost here and what fun we have planned this year! The kids still have another month of school left, but we are already thinking ahead. I will be trying my hand at a garden for the first time this year. I hope to get the kids involved and not attract too many critters!

Things with Paul are still going-- and going well I will add! He is such a joy to my life and we are so amazed at how God has brought us together. The healing process still continues and I am so thankful at how patient Paul is with me. He has shown me so much love and respect that I have not known for a long time. Some of the things we have enjoyed in recent times include: a very cold but beautiful trip to the ocean, walks to the dam down the road from my house, grilling out in the yard, and most recently- the building of a fire pit in my backyard. I think there will be much use from this in the coming months! We are just starting to involve the kids in our relationship and plan to spend a lot of the summer building the families together. Paul was there for all of Kristen's surgery stuff and has really begun to develop a bond with her. All of them are starving for a father's love. Through a string of events, I found myself without a babysitter for last Fri. night's work. He came to the rescue, and the kids stayed with him. They loved it and keep asking when he will do it again! We know that it will not always be a bed of roses, but are so thankful things are falling together so nicely.

I recently heard a radio speaker talking about why God allows you to have a dream fulfilled only to see it die. I thought instantly of how all I ever wanted was a Godly home and marriage. The speaker told how sometimes God will give us our dream but then take it away just to see if we love Him more than the dream. Then, sometimes he will give the dream back. I can see this in my life!!! I am so excited for the future-- and enjoying the present!

Kristen

2008-05-01T20:07:00.003-04:00

I know, it has been almost a month since my last post!! Thanks everyone, for you kind comments and prayers for my new relationship. Things continue to be wonderful and our love for each other continues to grow each day. We recently had a rare half day of no kids, so we took the opportunity to spend the afternoon at the ocean. We didn't even touch the water- it is WAY too cold for that still!! But what a beautiful day it was to have a picnic lunch and read with each other!

On to my real reason for this post. On Tues. of this week Kristen had reconstructive ear surgery in her left ear. She had a really bad ear infection about two years ago that blew a hole in her eardrum. They did one surgery shortly after it happened, but it was unsuccessful. So we have had to wait until she was done growing in there and for her to go a full year without any ear infections.

On Tues. the ear specialists took a skin graft from the side of her head and created a new eardrum for her. The surgery took two hours and the recovery has been brutal. Her pain the first day and a half was really bad. I could only give her pain meds every four hours, but she would start complaining of pain after about three! It was so difficult to watch my little girl go through so much! Today was much better and I think she will go to school tomorrow. I will send her pain meds with though, as she still can barely go the four hours without complaining of pain.

Please continue to pray for Kristen in the coming weeks. She will not be able to have physical activity for two weeks. Tell that to a very active eight-year-old!! She will also have to be VERY careful over the next two months to not get any water in her ear and to not "pop" her ears at all.

She has been very brave through all of this and really is one tough kid! This should end all her ear struggles and return her to perfect hearing. I praise God for keeping her safe through this horrible thing! At one point she cried to me "mom, haven't I suffered enough?" Talk about breaking a mom's heart!!!

April 9th... a look back and a look ahead

2008-04-09T08:59:00.007-04:00

One year ago yesterday my life forever changed. It was a horrible day that burned a huge hole in my heart. As the saying goes, "hindsight is always 20/20." Yes, looking back, I can clearly see signs of things and that the downward spiral really began about five years ago.

But through this last year, God has proven himself so faithful to me and the kids! I have seen Him provide a job for me that allows me to still be a mom all during the week. All of our needs have always been met. Never once through the year have I ever been late paying a bill. God has been so faithful in giving just the strength needed at the moments of great darkness for both me and the kids. I can remember how the three oldest kids banded together. For about four months, they all slept in Kristen's bed. Kristen and Bryce shared the top and Tyler slept between them with his head at the foot. Then there would be nights that everyone would end up with me!

And who could forget the darkness of the fall. This was by far my lowest point, but I am so thankful I went through that time! It made me fully depend on my Lord: my only real source of strength. Then the holidays were upon us and the generosity of God's people poured on us! With each passing day, more healing occurred.

When the new year dawned, I found my thoughts turning more toward the future. I was very discouraged at being a single mom. There just didn't seem to be enough of me to go around. It was hard to imagine that there could ever be someone out there willing to take on four small kids and a woman so "damaged" (as I saw myself.) I began to earnestly pray about it and even "looked" a bit but found no worthy prospects. I had no idea what was just over the horizon...

INTRODUCING......

I would like to take this time to let everyone in on why I have been absent from the blogging world so much lately! Right about the end of Jan. I began to really take notice of a man in my church. I have known him for about three years and would have never dreamed that he could find me to be anything he would want to be a part of. Paul has a seven year old son, so they were invited to Kristen and Tyler's combined birthday party. This was the beginning of the spark. Things did not really begin to take off for another month when we all attended our church's family winter retreat. We spent a great deal of time talking and playing games with others. That was six weeks ago, and what a joy the last weeks have been! Our schedules at this point do not allow for us to be together much outside of church, so we spend most evenings (after kids are tucked into bed) talking on the phone. Sending emails has also become very special to us. We do have a couple of hours on Tues. evenings as our official date night. I'm afraid Starbucks might get sick of us- good thing that the weather is finaly getting warmer!

I really do not wish to bad mouth my former spouse, so I will leave details in the past. However, I have come to realize through the past year that much of my marriage was very unhealthy. What a refreshment Paul has been! There is so much care flowing from him. He has watched my children grow and they know him well. Although we have just barely introduced the kids to "us," we all get along well as a crew. (Can you imagine the scene of us taking all five kids to a restaurant? We did it! And outside of the boys deciding to wrestle and Bryce's three trips to the bathroom, it went pretty well)!

For all of you who may have concerns: as I have mentions several times before, I have a very watchful and caring Pastor. While we have his "blessing," he has made some very clear boundaries for us. Marriage is a long way off and will only happen when our pastor feels we are both really ready and prepared for what lies ahead. We know that blending two families is very tough and we have many challenges ahead. But Paul is a very Godly man who truly loves the Lord with his whole heart. The Lord has brought both of us through a lot, and each circumstance has shaped us to be the people that we now are: a good fit for each other!

All I have ever wanted was to have a Godly home. I now believe that the Lord has spared me from so much and given me my heart's desire. God knew what choices the former spouse would make and how they would affect our family. I have taken much comfort through the last year from the life of Job. God tested Job's faith greatly. And at the end of it, the part of his life after the trials was far more blessed than time before it. I do not know what the future holds for me and the kids (ok, I have a suspicion!) but I do know that the Light of Christ will lead us through!

I do still exist!!!

2008-03-31T17:47:00.004-04:00

Yes, I am alive and well!! I know I have been absent from the blog world this month, but life is soooo busy with four little ones! (Ok, something else pretty big has also been happening that has consumed much of my evening hours, but I will reveal that later!) This winter just seems to not want to end here in New England, but slowly, we are beginning to see signs of spring approaching. Easter was beautiful (complete with indoor egg hunts)!! Our church has just about finished the new building and our very first service in it got to be on Easter!! What a glorious day of celebration it was!

The kids are all doing well but keeping me forever on my toes. Judson is walking pretty securely now and is into EVERYTHING!! I spend much time in prayer for this boy (and me) as he seems to have a very strong will.

I decided to post today because my friend Stacy and I had some fun last week with her camera. She is an aspiring photographer and I needed some newer pics of me. She took almost a hundred different shots, but here are just a few of my most favorites!

Totally funny (and true) mom video

2008-03-03T19:06:00.003-05:00

I found this "you tube" link on my friend Cindy's blog. All you moms can certainly identify, and for those that are not moms, I am sure you have heard your own mother say most all of these!!!

Excerpts from Elisabeth Elliot

2008-02-27T12:42:00.002-05:00

I was just reading Elisabeth Elliot's blog and thought I would share some great nuggets from today's devoetional.

Thirty years ago I was standing beside a shortwave radio in a house on the Atun Yacu, one of the principal headwaters of the Amazon, when I learned that my husband, Jim Elliot, was one of the five missionaries missing. They had gone into the territory of the Auca Indians, a people who had never heard even the name of Jesus Christ. What did I do? I suppose I said out loud, "O Lord!"
And he answered me. Not with an audible voice (I've never heard him speak that way in my life). But God brought to mind an ancient promise from the Book of Isaiah: "I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned....For I am the Lord your God" (Isaiah 43:1, 2).
l am the Lord your God. Think of it! The One who engineered this incredible universe with such exquisite precision that astronomers can predict exactly where and when Halley's comet will appear--this God is my Lord.
Evelyn Underhill said, "If God were small enough to be understood, He would not be big enough to be worshiped."

Does God love us? Karl Barth, the great theologian, was once asked if he could condense all the theology he had ever written into one simple sentence.
"Yes," he said. "I can. 'Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.'"

Whatever dark tunnel we may be called upon to travel through, God has been there. Whatever deep waters seem about to drown us, he has traversed. Faith is not merely "feeling good about God" but a conscious choice, even in the utter absence of feelings or external encouragements, to obey his Word when he says, "Trust Me." This choice has nothing to do with mood but is a deliberate act of laying hold on the character of God whom circumstances never change.

Does he love us? No, no, no is what our circumstances seem to say. We cannot deduce the fact of his unchanging love from the evidence we see around us. Things are a mess. Yet to turn our eyes back to the Cross of Calvary is to see the irrefutable proof that has stood all the tests of the ages: "It is by this that we know what love is: that Christ laid down his life for us" (John 3:16 NEB).

I hope that this is as much of a blessing to you as it was to me!

Another thing conquered

2008-02-27T11:45:00.002-05:00

I can check off yet another thing that I have conquered since being on my own. I used the big snow blower all by myself today!!!! New England is digging out of yet another snowstorm (my ruler measured 9 inches in the driveway.) We are also on winter break this week, so many people are gone- including much of my help for the winter. I had to get out of the drive for a couple of appts. so I had no option but to face the big beast and overcome it! An hour later and some very tired arms, I am proud to say I have conquered!!!! I did only just enough to get out, but praise God, I CAN DO IT! I will certainly still be relying on others for help as that took just about all my physical strength, but I now know that I am not powerless. Of course, I could be out shoveling.... I would still be out there!!

We are going away tomorrow morning to northern Maine. Our church is having a family retreat and we are all so excited to go. The kids are calling it the "winter camp out." I will have to post pics next week. I am especially excited because I have paid vacation from work this weekend. So, even though we will be back from the retreat Sat. afternoon, I still do not have to work Sat. or Sun.!!! It will be a much needed rest!!

Smarter... answers

2008-02-25T10:01:00.002-05:00

Hats off to the Schoonover family!!! You are smarter than me, for sure!! The answer to "when is it ok to fly the flag upside down" is when you are in distress. You also raise the flag quickly and lower it slowly. Well done if you knew the answers, and hey, I did not know them.... Kristen has had much fun over the last few days asking all the adults she sees these questions. Most did not know them!! She took great pride that she is soooo smart!!

Are you smarter than a second grader?

2008-02-21T18:37:00.002-05:00

While quizzing Kristen tonight on her history homework, I was struck with the horrible realization- I did not know some of the answers! Do you? I will post the answers Monday.

"When should our flag be flown upside down?"

"We raise the flag at what speed and lower it at what speed?"

Glorious passing

2008-02-19T12:59:00.002-05:00

I just spoke with my sister, and she shared with me the news that our beloved piano teacher from many years ago, Mrs. Dorothy Kemp, passed away over the weekend. I looked up her obit. and it is so beautiful I had to share it with all of you. I only hope if I reach the age of 86 or beyond, I will have done so much for my Lord!
http://www.legacy.com/rrstar/Obituaries.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=103717760

Refiner's Fire

2008-02-19T08:49:00.002-05:00

I had not really planned to write today because I have been challenged of late by several little "this is just for free" blurps that our pastor has thrown into his messages. He challenged us about how much time we spend emailing, blogging, on Facebook, etc. as opposed to how much time we spend in the Word. Ouch. Big conviction. So, as a very busy mom, I have resolved to waste less time "plugged in" to the electronic world and more time "soaking" up God's precious words!

But as I was doing a quick check on my favorite blogs today, my friend Ann-Marie had some very honest and challenging words. She got me to thinking about the Refiner's Fire. My baby turned a year old this weekend, and the other big "one year mark" is just a few weeks away. It has been quite a year. I had a friend call on Valentine's Day to see how I was doing. I am so happy to say it didn't even phase me that it was a day to celebrate love. That is the beauty of the Refiner's Fire. God has so wonderfully melted all the anger and hurt away and left peace in its place!!! I can honestly say I am a better person because of this life-changing trial I have been through. God has a reason for every trial that we go through. He has a purpose for our lives. The fire hurts so much, but the beauty that comes forth is so worth it!

Job 23:10
But He knows the way that I take, when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.

I also wanted to pass on a link to a daily devotional site that I have found on Tina's blog. It is from Elizabeth Elliot. I can honestly say I did not realize this woman was still alive. Her blog is light but also very thought-provoaking.

I will apologize for any misspellings. For some reason my spell checker is not working.

Even Mitt Romney agrees...

2008-02-07T13:26:00.000-05:00

I have not had the greatest of days dealing with New Hampshire being hit by yet another snowfall overnight. (Remember how I said I have to depend so much on others?) The snow and ice keep piling up and when my neighbor's big plow takes care of the bottom of the drive, it does not quite ever get all the way down to pavement. This is normal and many are having trouble. A week ago, we got a storm that gave us more rain and ice than snow. That created an "ice hole" at the bottom of my drive. I know where it is and have just been avoiding it. After quite a long ordeal of getting the kids off to school this morning, I arrived at my home to find two city plows blocking my drive. I stopped on the street and asked if I could help them. They proceeded to tell me quite groughly that I have a large ice hole that they got stuck in and that I need to do something about the hole. Now, mind you, I have already been crying all the way home. Choking back more tears, I simply said, "I am a single mom and this is my first winter on my own. I don't know how to fix the hole." The guy just said, "Yeah, well, just get the hole fixed." They got the truck out by submerging a cement block in it- yeah, it is that deep! If a city plow can get stuck in it, imagine what it would do to my van!! So, I went inside and had another long cry. These are the days when it hurts so much to be alone. I called trusty Grandpa and he told me to fill it with sand and place a five gal. bucket in the hole to at least mark where it is. So, for now, the hole is not fixed, but marked!

My title mentions Mitt Romney. Ironic that I would come across his consession speech today while looking for a weather update. He was speaking to a conservatives convention and the beginning of his speech was aimed for that. I tuned in just in time to hear him say (I am paraphrasing) how births to unwed parents are at an all time high. He gave several stats but for whites that rate is 25% of births are to single moms. The next statement made my hairs stand up. "A nation founded upon the principles that our forefathers set up can not continue to stand when fathers are not present in the home."

You may be a Mormon, Mitt, but you are right on. And people wonder why I want to be married again... :)

On D and R, part 2

2008-02-05T16:41:00.000-05:00

I stated that divorce and remarriage are hot topics among Baptists, and I am realizing that I have inadvertantly created a firestorm! I continue to be amazed at how my story has reached so many. I have received numerous emails in recent days, thus prompting this "part 2."

I must first clarify a gross misunderstanding. I will copy the part and then comment on it.

"Beyond this, think with me logically for a minute. We have all been taught that God is merciful and full of love. He told me point blank that he left me because he no longer wanted to live the Christian life and I did. What does it do to the idea that God is loving and merciful if He would condemn me to a life of singleness and my children to being fatherless when the only thing I did wrong was be Godly and serve Him??!!! Seriously, oh Conservative Baptists, does that really make any sense?"

I was a bit surprised that this was taken wrong, but upon re-reading, maybe I used the pronoun "he" too much. What I have been told multiple times is that because I am divorced, I do not have the right to remarry-ever- unless Rodney has died. This is a direct misuse of Matt. 19:9. And I did not mean that God condemns single people of if you lost your spouse in death, or that you should HAVE to remarry. I think this was taken the exact opposite of what I meant. You never hear someone who has lost their spouse to death told it would be best if they stayed single, just us divorced people. My thoughts are that if God is loving and merciful, then why would he punish me to never living a happily married life again for a sin that my then husband committed? I think this was taken exactly the opposite of how I meant it. It just doesn't add up. I hope that this makes a bit more sense, and I appologize for the misunderstanding.

The next big question that I have been asked multiple times is "why not just stay single"? That answer has many levels. I was greatly challenged by the comments left by "Saul or Paul" in the comments section. I know there is great debate on whether Paul was married. I studied I Cor. 7 intently, and I now understand why my Pastor tells us so often to "interpret Scripture with Scripture!!" If you read I Cor. 7 alone, it would seem that Paul would have that no one be married or that the only reason to be married is to avoid inappropriateness. I certainly am no scholar on this issue, so I will not even attempt to expound on it. But the teaching of Paul sums up "it is good not to marry, but if you do, you are not sinning." (You all understand that I am implying the premise that I have a Biblical right to remarry. )

I have a deep desire that my children have a father. I vowed long ago that my children would never know the pain that I went through growing up. But here we are, with them the kids of divorce. I know that while I did have Godly male influences in my life, I still craved and sought out fatherly love. That came in the form of some very poor dating choices in my high school years. The statistics are horrifying about kids-especially girls- who grow up without a father in the home. Yes, I know that God can protect them and send them good men to help fill in, but nothing can replace the day-to-day influence a man has on his children. That is MY belief and passion. Yes, I know all the verses about how God is our father, but that is a tough thing to tell a kid who is supposed to were her daddy's pajamas to a slumber party and she doesn't have any to use. God doesn't wear pajamas, does he?

Another reason that I do not feel "called" to stay single is my constant need to depend on others. I am a girl of very small stature and weight. It is phyically impossible for me to do many things needed to take care of a house, snow removal, etc. Again, I realize the church is commanded to care for the widows and husbandless- and you all know how much my church does this!! However, is it not by God's design for us to have a "help meet"? There are many more reasons why I desire to be married again, but I think I have made the point.

I would also like to address one thing that I left out of my last post. I have had many comments on the importance of forgiveness and not becoming bitter. I couldn't agree more. Not allowing bitterness to take root has been the key to my recovery through this process. It is why so many look at me and say "she is so strong." I have mentioned several times the "Quieting a Noisy Soul" series by Jim Berg. It has been a lifeline. Lesson 15 covers dealing with the "other side" and lessons 20-23 are about overcoming your anger, bitterness, despair, and discouragement. I have listened to these four lessons countless times. One point that he makes is that forgiveness does not always equal reconciliation. If one commits a murder and then gets saved and is truely sorry for his sin, is he not forgiven? But can he bring that person back to life? Will he still have to pay the earthly consequences of killing someone? This same is true for me. Are there some who take their spouse back after unfaithfulness? Of course. But the only thing Biblically that I am required to do is forgive and keep my heart free of bitterness. Sometimes one must pay tough consequences for sin. If Rodney does ever repent of his sin and come back to Christ, that is great! I do pray for this regularly. But it does not mean that I am under an obligation by God to remarry him or to forever put my life on hold waiting for a possible repentance.

The final thing I would like to address is the topic of "God's Will." Way back in my senoir year of high school, my pastor gave me a book by Jay Adams called "My Sufficiency in Christ." It gave an illistration that I have never forgotten. So many people think that God's will is like some "celestial crane" that will pick you up and plop you down right where God would have you to be. Sometimes, that does happen. But sometimes, you have to seek councel about a topic, pray, but then take action!! All the while, praying for God's direction. If you are truly seeking the will of God, then He will shut down what you are doing if it is not in His plan! Could God "plop" a man in front of me with a neon sign proclaiming "marry this one"? Yes, he could- but will he? Probably not. That is why I have Godly people I go to for advice.

My current pastor also has recently pointed out to me the story of Ruth. For those of you who think it is wrong for a woman to "pursue" after a spouse, I challenge you to read the Ruth 3. Ruth very boldly put herself at Boaz' feet seeking him for a mate, and ultimately, the line of Christ came from them!! Please realize again, that I am not saying this is a free-for-all for a girl to go flaunt herself!! Balance is the key to life.

Thank you for bearing with me through yet another lengthy and weighty post!! Please just all know, that I am in no rush to find a man. I am very much seeking GOD's direction in this. I have MANY solid influences that I am going to for advice. And, really, when you have been through the trauma that I have over the last year, do you really think I would want to make the same mistake again?!!!

On Divorce and Remarriage

2008-01-29T10:46:00.000-05:00

I have wanted to do a post on this subject for a while now, but it is in my nature not to offend people. I do apologize if this steps on people's toes, but these thoughts come from the many comments I have been given throughout the last year. Please note that if I mention something that one of you might have said to me that I do not hold any grudges against anyone. Period. I fully get that when anyone says something to me it comes from a heart of love and a desire to help. I try to always take people's comments and look at them from their standpoint. It really helps to not take offense!!

Divorce and remarriage are topics that have long been taboo in the fundamental Baptist circles. I have found that it is right up there with the versions issue and the definition of "Godly" music. But in a culture where the divorce rate is over 50% (New Hampshire's at 60%), the church is being forced to deal with divorce.

There is no question that God hates divorce and that it is far too easy in America to get divorced. What I would like to address is specifically my situation where unfaithfulness has occurred. I have been told that I should not have "kicked him out." If he was willing to stay with me, then I should have done that. This is based on I Cor. 7:13 that states you must not divorce an unbelieving spouse if they are willing to stay with you. My response to that is verse 15: "If the unbeliever leaves, let him do so." I did not kick Rodney out. When he confessed to the affairs, he told me he wanted to "stay together" for the sake of the kids, but he wanted to be free to do whatever and be with whomever he wanted. He would come and go as he pleased. Is that kind of life really being married? I could not even imagine what it would be like, so my response was that he had to make a choice. His family or his new life- he could not have it both ways.

So the next progression comes to remarriage. With the new year upon me, I turned a huge corner. I have found that I am done grieving the loss of my marriage. God has brought me through so much over the last year and I am so much stronger for it. I can picture myself with someone else. Of course, that man does not yet have a face!! But I am ready to begin that process of finding someone. I have had one "pep talk" about how it is wrong to remarry. This woman so sincerely told me that I needed to devote the rest of my life to praying for him to repent, and when that prayer was answered, then I should welcome him back with open arms. The woman knew nothing of the turmoil of verbal abuse that I was taking from him at that time. I could not imagine ever being with him again, so I took it to my pastor. He so lovingly corrected this wrong advice by telling me that when the divorce was final, it was also final with the Lord. I was not married to him anymore, thus releasing me from any scripture relating to staying with him.

Matthew 19:9 states very clearly that God gives exception for unfaithfulness. Beyond this, think with me logically for a minute. We have all been taught that God is merciful and full of love. He told me point blank that he left me because he no longer wanted to live the Christian life and I did. What does it do to the idea that God is loving and merciful if He would condemn me to a life of singleness and my children to being fatherless when the only thing I did wrong was be Godly and serve Him??!!! Seriously, oh Conservative Baptists, does that really make any sense?

The final thing I want to address is that of how to find a spouse. Back in college days, the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" came out. I will preface it by saying I never read the book, so I may be off on it's teachings. But many people jumped on its bandwagon and renounced dating as we know it. Many of my friends said they were going to let their parents pick out their mate. This is the heart of why I never read the book. That's all fine and great if you have good Christian parents. I did not then nor do I now. I must rely on Godly council and my own set of standards that I have prayerfully set up. I did all this the first time, and I really thought things were ok. However, no one can control a person's heart. He was well loved and respected by several pastors through the years. He deeply hurt our current pastor as he was considered a strong alli in the ministry.

So, how does one who is now 30 and has four children find a good spouse? Do you do nothing and pray for "the one" to magically appear before you? Is it ok to look around? Where does the stuff about not being the leader come into play? New England is a cold place spiritually. Just look at the states that allow same sex marriage- all New England states (except New Jersey)!! Good men are hard to find, and Christian men are even less. Churches are full of single moms. Mine has at least five. I will not go into all details, but I have taken some flack from a couple of people for some of my "unconventional" thoughts on how I might find Christian men. I should not be so bold. It is not safe. I need to just let God bring me someone. When you stop searching is when it will happen. All of that is ideal advice but is it real for today?

I have no desire to divulge how I am going about my "dating" life so publicly. But if I happen to send one of you a personal email asking your opinion on someone or something, please do your best to give an honest response. And please know that I have a series of checks and balances set up. My pastor is one of the wisest men I have ever met. He will be the only one that will preform my next wedding, so if a man does not pass his "test" then it is a dead issue!!

I know the task ahead is daunting. It will take someone very special to take on four children. I struggle with this daily. I battle the feelings of being "damaged goods " as I am now someone else's castoff. But I know that I am special to the Lord. He promises to give the desires of our hearts if we trust in him. I know that He has a plan for my life and it is far better than I can imagine. Jer. 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Thanks for staying with me on this long post!!! And if you are still reading my blog after this, then I know you are a real friend!!!!

Here am I- Casting Crowns

2008-01-21T13:30:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CT7x3VnrqbA

Thanks to Dave, I am kind of getting this posting videos thing figured out!! I still can't quite get the actual video to show up yet, but here is a link. Please go to this video link. I promise you it is worth it. This is one of my favorite songs and the techno stuff is unreal!! Note to Dave: I left another question in the comment section of the "help" post.

Help

2008-01-18T09:39:00.000-05:00

I found the most awesome You tube video on a friend's blog and I want to post it on mine. I have no idea how to link or post videos. Help, anyone?!!!!

One God

2008-01-16T14:52:00.000-05:00

Just had to share this tidbit from Bryce. Out of the mouths of babes...

As I was tucking in Bryce for bed last night, instead of his usual "Ma, pray for me." He said, "Ma, pray for God." I smiled and said, "You mean, pray to God?" He ever so seriously replied with a curled brow, "No, one God!" It took me a spit second to get that he misunderstood my use of the word "to," but right on in the doctrine side!!!!

on Frost Heaves and heaving

2008-01-11T09:32:00.000-05:00

The week before Christmas the kids got round two of the puking bug, but I escaped it!! (Until yesterday.) I was feeling pretty crummy through the day, then last night....

About this time every year bright orange signs with the words "frost heaves" printed on them begin to appear on many roads across New England. Being the mid-western girl that I am, it took me a couple of winters here to finally get what that really meant. For all you mid-westerners who are probably scratching your heads, here is a definition in a nutshell: the ground freezes so deep and hard that the road is pushed up forming huge bumps. Because I have been hugely pregnant three times during the dead of winter, I have come to hate these bright orange signs. Seeing them always meant pain for me!

But the term "frost heave" has always puzzled me. Why not just say "bump" or "dip"? Why use a word that sounds so disgusting? Then I took the kids to school this morning. I was already choking back the nausea, and add in the beloved frost heaves.... it was like being on a roller coaster without leaving the ground! It was all I could do to keep down the piece of dry toast I had eaten before leaving.

So I take comfort in knowing this is a quick moving bug and that the worst is over. I also have a new appreciation for the person who aptly termed the "frost HEAVE."

Year in review questionaire

2008-01-08T11:44:00.000-05:00

I found this on Cindy's blog and thought I might answer them as well! Feel free to answer some in the comments or let me know if you post on your own blog!!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? Oh, many things... put the crib together all by myself, did the grilling on the gas grill, fixed a constantly running toilet, went to Boston to see Riverdance!
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I never have really gotten into that!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? ME! Also my friends Maura and Heidi
4. Did anyone close to you die? working in a nursing home, people die around me all the time, but fortunately, I was not extremely close to any of them.
5. What countries did you visit? Other than going to Boston, I never even left the state of NH!
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? A clear focus for the future
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Feb. 16--Judson's birth, Apr. 9-- the day my perfect little world crumbled, Jul. 18--divorce finalized
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? running a household!
9. What was your biggest failure? why dwell on that?
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? You all remember my fainting and hospital stints this fall!!
11. What was the best thing you bought? that first Starbucks latte- got me hooked!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? all my wonderful friends and family
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? do I really need to say his name?!!
14. Where did most of your money go? bills of everyday life
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? going camping with the kids
16. What song will always remind you of 2007? Speak, O Lord by the Gettys
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:happier or sadder? Happier, but in a much different way/
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? laugh
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? cry
21. What was your favorite TV program? hands down, I am a "Lost" junkie
22. What was the best book you read" Sadly, I do not read much these days. I did read a great novel I borrowed from a friend this summer about three generation of women and how all their choices impacted each other.
24. What was your favorite film of this year? Since I only saw two-- The Borne Ultimatum and National Treasure, I can't choose between them!!
25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? changed. I became much more tailored and fashionable. I LOVE low rise jeans-- not the ones that show stuff, but they make the buns and hip area look so much better!
26. What kept you sane? bubble baths, Starbucks iced lattes, Ben and Jerry's Pfish food
27. What political issue stirred you the most? the now legal gay unions in NH

Looking back... and ahead

2008-01-01T22:25:00.000-05:00

I have soooo much that I should have been doing tonight, but instead, I was blog-surfing!! I ended back up on my own, and decided to revisit the year. It really was a year, huh?!! Although it feels like it has been forever, this all has happened in a relatively short time. Again, I stand amazed at how wonderful my God is. He has really taken care of me and placed so many people in my path.

And so, at the close of the first day of the new year, I look forward in anticipation at what lies ahead. I am sure there will be many struggles and days when I want to just throw in the towel, but if I can make it through the horrors of last year, I can do anything!!!!

Standing in awe... again

2007-12-31T10:48:00.000-05:00

After a very tiresome night of work and as NH is being pounded by yet another 'Nor Easter, when I finally arrived home this morning, all I wanted was to rest. As I caught up with Dory on her Christmas activities of the last week, she jumped up and said... "oh, before I forget..." She went to her room and came back handing me an envelope. She told me this was from her sister's church. In it was over $350 in cash!! Katie had mentioned me in prayer when I was in the hospital, and the people of her church wanted to help. I just stand in awe of how great my God is. These are people I have never met- they do not know me or my kids. But they love us and want to help. They are praying for me.

"Exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think..."

I do not know what God has in store for my little family. So I am just tucking away until the time is revealed. I have been so blessed already, I just don't know what else to say.

Thank you to the church of Dracut, Mass.

Flick worth seeing!

2007-12-28T10:12:00.000-05:00

I had the rare occasion to get out last night. I went with another single mom to see the National Treasure movie. GOOD FLICK!!!! I have not seen the first one in a while (lost all the grown up movies in the divorce:( ) but I do not remember it being so funny! I laughed so hard several times! Well worth seeing and eventually buying!

Wondering why

2007-12-28T09:26:00.000-05:00

I checked my email last night and found some terrible news in it. A very dear friend from college has been trying for five years or so to have a baby. After two rounds of invetro, they finally got a positive test!! God had blessed them with a baby! But now, she has suffered a miscarriage and is grieving once again. I could tell from the email that she is in that numb state of just not knowing what to do. That state where you have to tell yourself to breathe. She mentioned how she knows that God has a better plan for her, but she just can't understand that yet.

This news brought back a flood of emotion for me. No, I have never lost a baby. But I know that life-altering loss. I know the mind-blowing question you just want to scream at God: "WHY"?!!! "Why me?" So many times music is the expression of my soul. Many times through the last year I have had a song from back in the '90s playing in my head from I think the group "Four Him." It is called "Why" and the chorus is: Why, I wonder why. When the reasons aren't clear to me. When it all is a mystery, I want to know why. And though down here I may not understand, I won't let go of the unseen hand- even when I wonder "why."

That just seems to be the heart of it. We just do not know why. All I ever wanted was a stable, Godly home. I vowed my children would never go through what I did as a child. But here I am- divorced because he just didn't want the Christian life any more. My "crime" was that I was a Godly woman. My friend is a great Christian woman. All she wants is a baby. Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? The only real answer I can come up with is scripture: God is working all for our good. Somehow, though, in the heat of the trial, you have to really work hard to find comfort in that. How is pain good? Like my daughter's precious pearl, it began as pain!

My dear friend, you will remain nameless here, but you are so loved and are in my prayers constantly.

"Ending" Christmas

2007-12-27T10:33:00.001-05:00

So it is two days post Christmas and the house is quiet for the moment. We are enjoying yet another snowfall today (small today- only 3-4 inches!) so the kids are outside working off some energy while the baby naps. Oh, the fury of activity!!! They all want EVERYTHING opened, put together, and batteries in all at once. I do not know how many times I have said, "please have patience. I am just one person!!" I must say the Wii system is a huge hit. We all have had tons of fun with it, and it gives me a good break from everything while still playing with them. I wish I was as good at bowling in real life as I am on the game!! The boxing game brought the most laughs and the biggest workout. Even I was working up a sweat! Here are some pics of Kristen and Tyler playing.

As you can see they are having a blast and Ty won that round!

Christmas Day brought much healing for me. It really was not that bad. I did shed a few tears in early morning, but not too bad. I had one small moment when the grief started to choke up, but Dad was there for me and gave me a quick squeeze and kiss on the top of the head and it was all better! I know that I am loved. Of course, recent developments in the ex's life makes things much easier. He is back home with his parents as he and the girlfriend have broken up again. He is not making an attempt to get back with me- I think he knows that book is closed forever. He is partying and drinking hard- he looks very ragged. You can truly see how God's hand is off his life.

As the new year is upon me, I am excited for what is to come. Last year was hard. It began with the final weeks of a very hard pregnancy and then turned into the loss of a marriage. But now, the baby is thriving and I can look forward to a life of me as a stronger person. Do I long to be married again? Without a doubt. The list is endless of the little things I miss. I have no idea if or when the Lord may bring someone into my life, but I know that "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I have done things this last year that I never knew I could do!! I am sure there will be many more this year as well. Anybody care to tell me how to tie a tie?!! Never mind, that just might be a lost cause!!!

Pearls

2007-12-25T22:30:00.000-05:00

It is now the end of Christmas night and all is finally quiet. I just spent the last hour setting up (no, playing with!!) the new Wii system. I LOVE it- and I'm the "grown-up"!! I promised the kids it would be all ready for them in the morning.

It was a beautiful day and I will write more about it later. I titled this post "pearls" for a reason. One of the gifts I gave Kristen was a real mollusk with a pearl inside. It also came with a special necklace that you can put the pearl in. Here is a picture of Kristen and her very own real pearl.

What a teaching opportunity tonight as we opened the shell and dug through the goo to find the pearl. (Side note: that was soooo disgusting!! None of the kids wanted to touch the inside stuff, and I had to get out my rubber gloves- I just couldn't bring myself to touch it bare-handed!!)

But as I was trying to simply explain how a pearl is created, the magnitude of it hit me. How great God is!! The pearl first gets its start by being a tiny little irritant to the clam. This irritant- over time- is transformed into a beautiful pearl. None of the kids really got that part- just how cool it was to find something so pretty in all that goo! But, for me, it was a great lesson in beauty from ashes!!

Merry Christmas, everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!

The view from our "neck of the woods"

2007-12-20T14:13:00.000-05:00

Here is Kristen and Tyler crawling their way to a tree. They are light enough to stay on the top!

Bryce struggled to get to the safety of the tree and decided to hang out here for a while.

This is a view of our house from the driveway. Notice the mound of snow on the door overhang.

This is a shot of the backyard. We have a normal 6ft. privacy fence. This is what is currently visible!!

So yet another snowstorm is pounding northern New England today!!!!!! This makes the third snow day for the kids-- and it is not even the Christmas break yet! I am feeling so much more energized now that my iron level is coming up, so during the baby's nap, we bundled up to head out. Here are a few pics from our adventure.

The return of "Lost"

2007-12-19T14:20:00.000-05:00

I have been a "Lost" junkie from the beginning. I have seen every episode made and can not imagine what the network was thinking making all of us wait so long for the return of it!!!! But I just found out by reading a friend's blog, that the wait is almost over!! Lost returns on Thurs. Jan. 31. Someday I will take the time to figure out how to post links, but there is a great trailer for the new season out now! And I am soooo excited that it is on Thurs. now. I have always had to tape it because of church. Now I can watch it live! Bring it on!!

Remembering... and moving forward

2007-12-19T13:19:00.000-05:00

Today should have been my ninth wedding anniversary. What a beautiful day that was. Just about everything went perfectly, and the little things that didn't were just funny. I have carefully planned out today. But as I woke up today, I couldn't help but remember and my plans went slightly to pieces. I was going to save my tears for tonight when I have dedicated some time to spend at the alter alone with God before church, but instead they came while I was showering. I tried to choke them back telling myself that I will not let all of this destroy my spirit. But the tears still fell, so I surrendered and let the hot water and tears soothe my soul. Then I got ready for the day, put on a killer outfit, and headed out with the two youngest to pass out cookies to some people that have really helped us this year and to a sick woman in the church. We had great fun baking over the last few days, and what a blessing to turn this day into serving others. I got a blessing seeing people smile with our "thoughtfulness." And Bryce is just such a charmer, he could make even Scrooge himself cheerful!!

So, I am halfway through today and it is not so bad! I plan to go to church early tonight and let a friend feed the kids so I can have some tome to put things to rest. All these months my wedding ring has been sitting in my jewelry box on my bureau. It is time to put it away for good. I bought myself some killer earrings last week and saved the box. I plan to put my ring in it and prayerfully give it to the Lord. Just lay it on the alter for Him to heal all the hurt. Then I will put the ring in the attic with all the other wedding stuff for the kids to have someday. I know that this will not magically end everything, but today is the last big thing to get through for me.

I do not know what God has in store for me and the kids. Will I still be a single mom a year from now? Probably. It is hard to imagine there is someone out there that will want to take on all of us! But God will give me the strength to get through each day just as he has through this year. Oh, how thankful I am for all the little ways He has cared for us! Even with all the snow that just is relentless this year!!! I have three different people who are willing to plow for me!! I get mobbed with phone calls every time the snow falls making sure I am plowed out!

I will close with Scripture that the Father so lovingly placed before my eyes through another's blog.

Heb. 6:17-20 (NIV)
Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf....

Getting back on track

2007-12-07T13:47:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am getting better!!!!!!!!!!! I feel a bit stronger each day- both physically and mentally. I did not realize just how tired I really was. I have revamped my schedule, and have come to grips with the fact that I can not do everything that I used to do as a stay at home mom. Much of that is in my own self. I never asked for this life, and was trying to hold on too tightly to the ways of before. My baby really will not suffer if I buy jar food for him instead of make it all from scratch!! But, oh, how the tears fell last week when I stood in the baby aisle of the grocery store looking at all the jars! I felt like a failure- like I am cheating him out of what all the other kids have all had. Silly, I know!!! He will be fully on "table foods" in just a couple of months! I have gone down to the bare basics of housework! I am a neat freak at heart, so it is hard to overlook things sometimes, but it really is ok.

We are very much enjoying our Christmas tree- although the floor seems to be an endless collector of needles and dropped ornaments! I did a bunch of shopping this week and am really getting excited to see their faces on Christmas morning. God is soooo good. I still stand amazed at all I have been able to purchase for them! (And, yes, I have splurged some on some things that I want as well)!!

Winter arrived in New England with a fury on Monday. The measurement in our driveway was 11 inches! The kids were happy to have a day off school. Praise God, I have had three offers to help with the plowing, so I will not have to attempt to control that beast of a machine!! I know this post is a bit choppy. I guess I do not have as much to say as I thought when I sat down!! I
have some difficult days to get through this month. Please pray for me as I heal through my wedding anniversary (on the 19th) and on Christmas. I know it will get easier once the first one is over. Love you all!!!

Now at the bottom

2007-11-30T10:08:00.000-05:00

Well, after passing out at work, you wouldn't think things could get much worse. But then this week happened!!! I have learned in a HUGE way that in order to care for my family, I have to first take care of myself. It took over nine months to catch up to me, but the burning the candle at both ends (and maybe in the middle too!) finally took its toll, and I crashed. At work Sun. night I noticed a sore developing on my upper leg. It began to really throb, so I put peroxide on it and covered it with ointment and a band aide. I repeated this on Mon several times, but by Tues. morning it was very obviously infected. Knowing that I work constantly with MRSA (the "super bug" highly resistive to antibiotics), I knew it was nothing to mess with. So off to the dr. I went. He cultured it, marked the infection line with a pen and sent me home with two antibiotics that he thought would work. I was to call if the infection spread more than an inch outside the lines. When I woke Wed. morning, the infection had spread all the way to my knee and I had a fever. My dr. saw me and sent me right to the hospital. The culture had not come back yet, but at the rate that the infection was spreading it had to be the MRSA. I was started on IV meds. Once I got to the hospital and allowed myself to just fully let someone care for me (and try to forget that I just dumped the kids on several people!), I realized I felt AWFUL! I spent a full day in the hospital and am doing much better now. The sore is still very nasty looking, but the infection is way down. My dr. had a very fatherly chat with me when all my labs and cultures came back. No, I did not have a MRSA infection. I have virtually no immune system. My white blood cells were through the roof and I am "dangerously anemic." He told me almost everything with my blood counts was off. I need to rest. This was also most likely the reason I passed out last week. Any little bug that comes along is going to knock me flat.

Oh, so easy to say and not so easy to do!! But God is so faithful! I had another gift of money waiting for me when I got home from the hospital, so I have taken tonight off work. The kids are with him for the weekend, so I have until Sat night to rest up. His parents also told me that they had a very long talk with him about his actions of late. I saw an abuse counselor this week and she gave me my options about a restraining order. I will think long before I take that drastic of a step, because it gets very complicated. He is not hurting me or the kids physically- just constantly harassing. But words hurt just as much as a fist sometimes.

I am only beginning to realize the depth of support I have here, though. Not only do I have my church, but my medical team and the law is on my side!! He has threatened to take the kids away. We say, "bring it on. You have an army waiting." My prayer is that he will see that I am serious and that he has no foundation to stand on when saying I am an unfit mother. Even his own family will testify to this. Every one of them has told me they will testify against him if he even tries to bring that to court.

I realize I just gave a lot of info without many details, but just pray for this situation. You can understand why the stress level is off the charts right now. He really was not this monster when we were married. He never questioned me. He left all parenting up to me. We rarely ever disagreed on childcare issues. This is not the man I used to know- it is the influence of his new life and the girlfriend.

Thank you all for the comments left- it helps sooooo much! I am still amazed at how this has touched so many people. Yes, I have learned valuable lessons this week. I need to remember myself. I get stuck on how people can be so selfish that I have swung the total opposite way and that is not good either!! I do feel like a pharmacy right now! I am taking 5 pills in the AM and 3 at night to get me back on track with the infection and get my immune system back online!

My dr. so lovingly told me that a year from now I will look back on this time and remember that it was hell but that it will probably be over. Yes, it is awful, and yet I also know that I can rest in my Lord's arms as well and know that I am loved far more than I really understand.

So fitting

2007-11-30T10:06:00.000-05:00

My long- time friend Charity sent me this poem and I just had to post it. This is not just for me, but all of you moms out there!

The house is a mess, the dishes are dirty.
I'm too old for this stuff, I'm well over thirty!
The car is not clean, my hair is a wreck,
And I've already spent next Friday's paycheck.
The laundry needs washing, the children too rowdy,
And I never have time for a leisurely "Howdy."
With all that I do, it's never enough,
It's never quite finished, it always looks rough.
I looked in my mirror and what did I see?
A harried old stranger, where I used to be.
The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.
Today is tomorrow, and I'm not caught up yet.
My children are growing at such a fast pace,
That I'm missing their childhood for the sake of this race.
I work and clean and I cook, and I say,
"Hit the books, clean your room!" there's no time for play.
The Lord, for some reason, chose ME with the care
Of five of His children, but I'm rarely there!
I've GOT to slow down lest there's nothing to show
For my role as their mom when they pack up and go!
I'm only one person, but look through the door,
What appears to be one, divides into more!
I'm chauffeur, a cook, a planter of trees,
A teacher, an umpire, a mender of knees.
Sometimes I forget that deep down inside,
There's a lady with feelings, and last night she cried.
She gets tried and lonely, feels taken for granted.
She wants to see blooms from the seeds that she's planted.
Then, amidst all the turmoil in this mind-bending pace,
My little ones look at me square in the face....
And just when I need it, they all in one day
Say, "Momma, I love you" and then....I'm OKAY!
-Anonymous

Unbelief

2007-11-26T10:29:00.000-05:00

I ended my last post with "the Lord must be shaking his head at our unbelief. If only we could see what lies ahead..."

Oh, if only!!!! Last week was horrible and wonderful. Horrible because of the ex's relentless harassment. There are so many accusations flying at me, but God's protection is amazing! Rodney is all talk. We just stand in wait for if he decides to ever try to take things to court. He has no idea the army that awaits him. I had no idea just how many people I have to back up my character. My pastor told me of a quote once told to him. "You take care of your character, and God will take care of your reputation." I am seeing this sooooo much right now!

My biggest praise and most humbling part of this post will be that of my finances. You will remember how I was bemoaning the loss of my "plan." I ended up missing a week and a half of church (the kids all got the stomach bug- yuck!!!) During this time it got around that I had passed out at work from exhaustion and that I was picking up extra shifts to make some extra Christmas money. Last night Pastor called me up to the stage and stated that the church body wanted me and the kids to know how much we are loved and cared for. He handed me a check for over a thousand dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think..." Oh, the deep love of my Savior that he would bless so much in spite of my unbelief. And this is beyond the fact that I did have 13 hours of sick time available and the Thanksgiving holiday pay that would just about break even the hours that I lost being sick.

I am so overwhelmed at the generosity of God's people. The church body is barely 100 people- at most. What a great God we serve!

The darkness of night

2007-11-17T15:09:00.000-05:00

Warning: I am sick and feeling very low emotionally right now. I have no idea what is going to come out in this post!

Last night began my "work week." In case I have never explained what I work it is three 7PM to 7AM shifts, Fri., Sat., and Sun. It doesn't give much time for sleep, but it allows me to be with the kids through the week. The first four hours last night went fine. Then during the changeover, I began to feel dizzy. By 12:15, I was on the third round of almost passing out. They took my blood sugar level and that was fine. They took my blood pressure and it was 80 over 40. For those not in health care- a normal BP should be about 120 /80. My sick time does not kick in for two more weeks, being stupidly pigheaded, I refused to let the send me by ambulance. I wanted to just take my lunch break and rest- then I would be fine. My nurse said, "at the risk of sounding insensitive, you are laying on the floor with a BP in the toilet. I don't think you belong here!" Well, when you put it like that... So, I let them call my (former) mother in law and she came right up and took me to the ER. After doing a cardiac workup and all sorts of stuff, I was discharged with the diagnosis of exhaustion and dehydration. They beefed me up with fluids and sent me home with instructions not to go in to work until Sun.

So much for my Christmas money plans. Why does it seem just when you have it "all figured out" God knocks you flat. I wanted so desperately to be able to buy the kids special stuff this year. I know how shallow that sounds. You can't buy love. But I am a gift giver- my joy comes from seeing their faces light up in getting that toy they want sooooo bad!

Oh, back to my sickness. The near fainting was probably just a virus hitting me, because within an hour of getting home from the ER, I was puking my guts out. I slept most of the day, and am now just weak.

The kids are with him until tomorrow morning, so I have nothing to do but rest. I know I need that, but I do miss my babies! Never has my loneliness been more real than now. I should have been having a loving husband rushing to my side last night. I didn't ask for this life. I did nothing to deserve it, and yet here I sit- alone at my computer, working myself ragged to the point of extreme exhaustion. There are four of them and only one of me. I love them all beyond words, but I am tired. I am so tired of fighting to keep my chin up and be brave. I have praise music playing in the background, but all my heart is crying is "God, haven't I suffered enough?"

Talk about divine. I stopped to listen to the song playing right now. It was saying, "I will lift my eyes to the maker of the mountains I can't climb... lift my eyes to the healer if the hurt I hold inside... Oh, God, my God, your beloved needs you now."

Everyone keeps telling me I will get through this. The night will not last forever. I have only been a single parent for nine months, but it seems a lifetime. Yes, I will make it. Thanks for "listening" to my little pity party. I will echo Ann-Marie. The Lord must be shaking His head at our unbelief. If only we could see what lies ahead....

What was I thinking?!!

2007-11-16T11:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I did something that shocked even me. The kids had dental check ups in Concord- that is about a half hour away from our house. In Concord is the one and only Taco Bell within a hour's drive of us. Oh, how I love their Gordida!! It has been since before.... you know... that I have been to Taco Bell. I have taken the kids to places with play lands by myself, but never a "sit- down" place. So after every one's teeth were all sparkling white, I unloaded all of them into Taco Bell. The place never knew what hit them. I didn't know what hit me! After ordering all our tacos while frantically trying to keep order to kids who were so excited to be having the cinn. sticks (yes, they really did eat the tacos too!), I realized that the drinks were the serve yourself kind. All wanted to pour their own. How does a mom with only two hands help four kids bouncing up and down excited all at once? I took a deep breath and secretly berated myself for dreaming this could work. I found a booth close to the drink counter. Put the baby in a high chair, unloaded the massive amount of coats, and began barking out orders to the three older kids. I was pretty proud of myself by the end of it! Except that Bryce kept running up to each and every person there and shouting at them, "You know what my name is? Me Bwyce- and this is Ma, and Tens, and Ty, and Juns." (That is my attempt at writing "Bryce talk" for mom, Kristen, Tyer, and Judson. I love that he calls me "ma"- it is so cute!)

The cool thing was when we were about done a man came up and started talking to the kids. They really tried not to talk to the "Stranger"!! But then he told me he was the station manager for the Seacoast Christian radio station and wanted to commend me on a job well done. He heard the kids pray before we ate and said how rare that was now days. My charming Bryce piped up about how Jesus is in heaven and in his heart, and the man laughed about what deep theology such a young one was learning!

I left Taco Bell last night with more than a full and satisfied belly. I left with a new level of confidence- I am doing a good job! Look out fine dining-- or maybe in ten years!

Getting into the spirit

2007-11-15T13:41:00.000-05:00

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!!! I love everything about the entire season. I began planning for this year months ago. I have been stashing away some money and now I have picked up three extra shifts at work over the next two weeks. Not enough to kill me physically, but enough to bring in some good dough. I really want to make this year special. I know, presents is not the real meaning of Christmas- and there will be plenty of teaching about that- but it is sooooo special to see their faces light up with pure joy! The beauty of working the night shift is the kids just stay with my room mate and barely know that I am gone. Of course, I am struggling to stay awake the next day, but it is only three times, so I can handle it!!

I bought some lights for the outside trees and decorated them yesterday. When it was dark, the kids just stood in awe thinking it was the prettiest sight ever. This morning, I went shopping for the weekly stuff at a local closeout store and found the greatest thing for Tyler- a hermit crab habitat. I contemplated getting it because he was with me. But knowing how this store works- it may not be there tomorrow. Ty can really be very clueless sometimes (no, not MY son!) and that worked to my advantage today! I slid the box under the cart while he was looking somewhere else. When it came time to checkout, I casually put it on the belt face down. He never even asked about it!!

I know this year will be different, but I am determined not to let the tragedies of this year ruin our spirit. I am starting fresh. I have bought all new ornaments except for the kids' stuff. He did not like real trees, so we rarely had them. I LOVE real trees. That is a smell that will be in heaven!!! We are planning to go the day after Thanksgiving with another family in the church to cut down our own!! I really am becoming "de-big-city-ized" (love my word creations?)!! I will let myself grieve when things hit. But I am determined to cry for just a moment. "Joy comes in the morning." God truly has better in store for me, and I am already seeing that!!

The change in me

2007-11-07T09:40:00.000-05:00

I figured I would try to post a pic of my "transformation" as people are calling it here. When the separation/divorce first happened and I couldn't see the light of day, my pastor told me that it would get better. I would heal, and then someday I would show up at church with a new hairdo and new clothes. I thought he was crazy. I have had the same hairstyle for years. Then, thanks to a great friend of mine, I inherited an entire "new" wardrobe. She is an insurance rep. and has TONS of clothes that she decided to get rid of. They are all great and so much more modern and figure-flattering than I ever wore before. I am a petite girl- nothing wrong with embracing that! Sorry, for all of you that struggle with weight- shutting up now! I also cut my hair about a month ago. Actually it was the week before the ex tried to come back. The pic does not give the style justice- it really is fluffier. I have also begun to wear eye makeup- just a tad! It really does brighten up the eyes and it only bothers the allergies a little. I am amazed at how right Pastor was! (Hate that, don't ya?!) The inward changes came outward and I didn't even realize it until it was there for all to see!

Now, a month has gone by since he tried to come back. He has been horrible. I am convinced there really is nothing good left in him. Every possible chance he can, he "zings" me verbally. He has hurt the kids just to "get back" at me. In the face of it, I falter, sometimes fail, but am prevailing strong with God's guiding hand on me. Each time I am at church, at least one person tells me what a testimony I have been to them. I do not feel worthy. I make so many mistakes. But praise the Lord, His mercy never fails. I am changing- growing stronger!!

I just had to include this pic of Judson. I found him yesterday chomping on Pringles! The other kids had left the snack cupboard open and he found his way to the chips. Of course, at 8 months, he was struggling and I had to clean him up quick, but oh, soooo cute!!

Here's the "new" me. Like I said, the hair is really much fluffier and is highlighted.

Only in Ty's world!

2007-10-23T14:51:00.000-04:00

This story is just too funny to keep to myself!!

Last night I was talking to a friend from college that I have not talked to in many months. I had to cut things short because Tyler came downstairs screaming that he has bunny food up his nose!! How did it get there? Ty was lying on the floor (by the bunny cages) and Bryce was jumping on his back. His head bumped the floor and he breathed in at the same time. His nose was right over some spilled rabbit food and one went up his nose and is now stuck!! Now, you might be thinking this sounds too far-fetched. You must keep in mind that Tyler is my accident child. I have had him to the Dr. more times than I care to admit for very bizarre happenings!!

I could not see anything up his nose. I felt around outside and could feel a small lump way up almost to his eyes!! I thought for sure that I was going to be making an ER run. But I tried one last ditch effort with plugging the other side and having him blow really hard. It took three tries, but at last the little pellet came flying out!! Lesson learned: "Mom, I don't think I will lay down by the bunny cages again."

God cares about $4 coffee

2007-10-23T14:27:00.000-04:00

The depth of God's care continues to amaze me! My prayer through the events of recent times has been more of a plea. My pastor had told me it would take a solid year or more for the ex to really begin to prove he might be worthy of taking back. But when you really put that into real life, how do I keep my heart in a neutral position for that long?!! So, my prayer was that if this man was not for real, then reveal it soon. And what amazes me is that God, in His grace, cares about silly female emotions. Within just a little over a week, I knew without a doubt that things really are over for good. He is now back with the mistress and no longer interested in righting things with God.

The title of my post is about $4 coffee. Here's the explanation. One of my new vices is Starbucks. I can't stand to think that I pay $4 for ONE latte, but MMmmm!! So, being on the tight budget of a single mom with four kids, I allow myself one per week. With my recent Sunday off work (my sick time does not kick in until Dec.) my paycheck was rather short this time. While there is enough for the bills, it's slim pickin's for the next two weeks. Can I live without Starbucks for two weeks? Of course, but I was secretly grieving my loss of my "comfort food." But, alas! This story has a happy ending!! When I got to church on Sunday, I was handed a beautiful card of encouragement from a sweet older lady. Guess what was inside? A gift card to Starbucks!!!! The Lord really does care about the little things!

Times passed

2007-10-23T14:22:00.000-04:00

A friend sent me the following forward with the attached message: "Please don't take this lightly as some of us may have in years past. And praise the Lord for the Years Have Passed!! Take a minute to let that statement sink in!

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

2007-10-19T13:48:00.000-04:00

Just thought I would send along some recent pics of the most handsome baby around! The top one does not show much of the outfit but-- GO RED SOX! The bottom one is Judson enjoying his first teething biscuit.

BOYS!!

2007-10-19T13:31:00.000-04:00

Yesterday afternoon I had one of those mom moments that will make any girly girl like myself squirm. I had been yakking on the phone with my sister, when I realized it was 3:15. That is the exact time I have to be pulling out of the driveway to go to the bus stop or I will be late!! I quickly hung up with the sis, plopped the baby in his car seat, and hollered for the boys to load up in the van- QUICK! Tyler comes sauntering over from the yard and hold his hands out for me, "but mom, what do I do with Stickers?" "Stickers" proved to be a wriggling, slimy lizard of some sort. I screamed and jumped back- Ty just laughed. We quickly found a container for him to carry his new pet in, for he HAD to take it to the bus stop to show all the older kids! Of course, we did end up being a few minutes late, but Kristen quickly forgot that upon seeing our new "pet."

I must say, once I could look at "Stickers" from the safety of a Gladware container, it was very fascinating! It looked just like the gecko on TV only brown and very skinny and only about three inches long. Anybody got any ideas what it was? Oh, yea, it must have been very delicate as well, because it only survived the afternoon. So, my all boy of a son had a dead lizard in a baggie for show-n-tell today!

update

2007-10-16T07:44:00.000-04:00

Just thought I would post a bit of an update to last week. He went to church Sun. morning, but blew off Sun. night (there was a big Patriots game on) with the lame excuse that his back hurt. He continues not follow some of the basic instructions that Pastor has given him. Pastor counsels me to be "business as usual." Then last night my sister in law called. She is the baby of the family and has always had a close relationship with Rodney. She begged me NOT to take him back. She would not give me details because she said they would hurt me too much, but not to believe anything that he says because he is not being honest with me. I praise God for people who are so blunt and honest with me and are not just saying to take him back no matter what. My little ones and myself really are better off on our own than to be daily barraged with an ungodly influence such as that. Continue to pray!

April 9th revisited

2007-10-10T20:13:00.000-04:00

Oh, it seems the only blogging I do is when something is heavy on my heart! Maybe I will join was it Ann-Marie or Tancy?- with some resolutions before the new year hits! I promise I will try to blog more about life in general here is this busy household!

But on to what is heavy on my heart. On Apr. 9 my world was turned upside down with my then husband's admission of multiple affairs and leaving. This Sunday, almost six months to the day, he flipped it upside down again. I arrived at my in-laws house just like I do every Sunday after church. They watch the kids for me while I get a few hours of sleep before heading to work again. I was especially tired this week and couldn't wait to hand the baby over to mom and crawl into bed. No such luck. Rodney was there and he wanted to talk to me. We went upstairs to the family room and he proceeded to burst into tears and tell me what a mess he had made of things! He hoped I could find it in my heart to forgive him but understood if I could not. He told me he had moved back home with his parents and wanted to get his life back on track.

I am sure most of you are jumping out of your skin for joy right about now. Please sit back down and just say a quick prayer for him- and me. While he is full of regret for the things he has done, he is showing very little signs of repentance. He met with our pastor on Mon. Pastor has told me he was very "mechanical" in his responses. Rodney knows all the right things to say. However, it took much prodding for him to get out that he has sinned. He keeps saying he has messed up. He also will not answer any questions about why the sudden break-up with his girlfriend. Just a week ago, he was telling me that he would not do "the God thing" ever again. When questioned about what changed so quickly, he just says it is a lot of little things.

On to my feelings. I had closed the book on us. I had come to the conclusion that this part of my life was over. I was looking forward to the Lord eventually bringing someone new into my life. How on earth do I ever trust this man again?!!! Not to mention that the thought of even kissing him completely repulses me. I can not even imagine taking him back. This is not to say that I have not forgiven his sin. The anger is gone, but the hurt is still very fresh, and to open myself back up for that...

Not to worry, though. I have been counseling extensively with my pastor this week, and he has given me much freedom. First, he has told me I have NO decisions to make at this time. There will be no marriage counseling because there is no marriage. Rodney is just like any other "fish in the sea." He has to prove that he is worthy of my possible affection. This will take a min. of a year for our pastor. He has counseled Rodney to attend a different church in our area (one of like faith and practice) and he will have great accountability there. Next, I am under no biblical obligation to ever take him back. He divorced me. He gave up the right to be with me then. I must forgive him, but forgiveness does not always have to mean restitution. Now, it may be in the best interests of the kids, but only if he becomes the Godly man that he should be. Why would I take back a man that will just revert back to his old ways a year from now?!

The final thing to consider is that because we are divorced, it would be sin to allow him back into the home without being married. WOW! That had not really entered my mind. So, all of this to say that while he has made some baby steps toward wanting to reconcile, it seems it is just because his little world crashed down on him-- did I mention he is also having to file bankruptcy?!!-- it will be at a min. of 18 months before we, if ever, are remarried.

I told him that with God all things are possible. I do believe this with all my heart. I ask you to lift me up for this. I have no trust or desire whatsoever in this man. It will take a huge act of God's moving for me to love him again.

The ups and downs

2007-09-25T21:41:00.000-04:00

Yes, everyone, I do still exist!!!!!!!!! My days are so full, I barely have time to breathe! It does seem that my days will calm a bit now, but who can tell with four little ones!! There seems to be an endless line of home work, school related things or ear aches-- baby Judson has followed his siblings and got his first ear infection already :( I do miss blogging, and I do keep up with all of you. I may do two weeks worth at one setting but.... I do take time for my one true relaxing thing - Net Flix. Hey, Ann- Marie- we are watching the same stuff right now!! I am on Season two of Dr Quinn!

Please bare with me yet again as I work out my thoughts. Things have been very quiet on the ex front for several weeks. He was nice. Almost too nice, so I really did not know what to expect. Then it all came back again this weekend. The old jerk reappeared. The difference being that I called him on it. Of course, that made him even more mad, so we have had a pretty rough few days here. Peace finally reigned today. He called to apologize for being such a jerk. Then we got to talking about why he did not even try to get help. He told me we were too "broken" for too long that it wouldn't do any good. I really pushed him on this. What was broken? I thought we had it pretty good. What was so bad that it wasn't even worth fighting for? He finally asked me what I thought it was. I told him my suspicion has always been that this is not about me but a rejection of God. I am a Godly Christian woman who wants a Christian home. He no longer does. He replied quietly, "you're absolutely right." "People change" he told me, and this kind of life is just not for him. He wants to be free to do whatever he feels like doing.

So, while having this acknowledgement brings a measure of closure to things, it also hits me fully between the eyes that-- I lost my marriage because I love God. I often have sought comfort in the story of Job, now more than ever. "Have you considered my servant Job?" But the great comfort is that because Job remained faithful through all his trials, he was blessed far more than he was even before. This is my test of my faith. Will I pass? Will I hold fast and pass on my faith to my children? I must try!!

Do you need a comb?

2007-09-06T09:45:00.000-04:00

With my previous post being so deep and all, I thought I would give you a bit of nursing home humor. This past Sun. AM, I was helping a very sweet little woman get dressed. She is the picture of old-fashioned manners and is very proper. She barely talks above a whisper. As I was lotioning her back, she looked at me through the mirror and said, "honey, would you like a comb?" I looked up at my reflection and saw my curls were becoming a bit frizzy but it wasn't too bad considering I had been working for almost 12 hours. I laughed it off and made a joke about my natural curls having a mind of their own. A few minutes later, my nurse called me to come back to this lady's room. "June has something for you," she said with a huge smile. I look down the hall to see June standing in her door holding a comb out for me!! She really did want me to comb my hair!! So, I headed back into her room and wet my hair a bit with some water (I just couldn't bring myself to really use her comb)!!

Can I really be thankful for THIS?!!

2007-09-06T09:03:00.000-04:00

Part of the "stabilizing truths for the soul" is that "God is good- all the time. He always has my best interests in mind." That sounds so nice and fuzzy. The Bible tells us to be thankful in all things and to rejoice always. Over the last five months I have given praise many times for God's provision, His comfort, etc. during this extreme trial of my life.

But this week God has brought me to new depths of understanding. It began with my Pastor's message Sun. morning. Pastor is amazing this way. He gets up to begin preaching, pauses and then says, "I planned to preach something very different, but I believe God would have this for someone." He then preached on the verses about "casting all your cares on Him" and "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known." Oh, I could give the whole thing back to you!! But the main thing that hit me between the eyes is the second verse. He made the statement that "the everything covers the nothing." We can be anxious about nothing if we are taking everything to Him in prayer!

And then that little part about being thankful. This has been much of my meditating over the last few days. Can I really thank God for my husband leaving us? Can I be thankful for this other woman? YES! Without this trial I would not need my Savior so much. Without this trial, I would not be developing this quiet confidence that everyone keeps saying they are seeing in me. I have no idea how God will use me to help others in the future. Do I pray that it will end? Yes, but I now am not just praying for deliverance from this trail, but for the endurance to keep pressing on until His will is completed.

Only in my little world!

2007-08-31T13:43:00.000-04:00

I know! I promised to write more... just never seem to have the time! Another week has gone by, and I have not even sat down to read everyone else's blogs! So, have no fear my dear friends, I have not forgotten you!

I will get to the main post in a sec-- just a brief summary of life the last few weeks. Sparing you of details, I needed to boost the equity in the house a bit in order to refinance in my name only. So, I decided to invest in getting a new roof and replacement windows put in. My house is a classic New England style, complete with many unusual angles, so it proved quite a challenge for the roofers. But what a job well done! It was a huge investment that I will be paying for for a long time, but so worth it to have that final thing gone that he can no longer hold over my head.

The kids started school this week. Kristen is in second grade and Ty in kindergarten. Bryce will be starting "speech school" in two weeks. This means on Thurs and Fri. mornings I will only have the baby at home! While it will be very different, I welcome the break.

My new house guest also arrived a couple of weeks ago. What a blessing Dory has been to us!! She is so sweet and helpful. But here is the main part of this post! Franklin, NH is a very quiet little town. We see very little crime and have just three police cars and a staff of not much more. I praised this quaint town up so much to Dory, and assured her that most people do not even lock their doors here. So what do we get wakened to at 1:15 AM Monday night? The police banging hard on my door! Can't say I have ever had THIS happen before!! When I opened the door in a half asleep stupor (you must remember, I just worked all weekend and Mon. nights is when I crash), they asked for Dory. I was too stunned to think clearly, so I knocked on her door and said "the police are here for you." In a very gruff voice the policeman asked her where her car was. She looked just as scarred as I was, and stammered "in the driveway." He then told us no, it is not in the drive, but is sitting crashed into a light pole downtown! He asked her to show him her keys to prove that she did not give it to someone. The ironic thing about the poor girl getting her car stolen right out of my driveway is that it is a borrowed car! She was borrowing it from the principal of the school where she was to begin teaching in just two days! Many details later, they got the guy- he was drunk- and we found out that he had also hit several other houses in the area. It just so happened that he chose my driveway to steal a car from! I do give huge praise to God for keeping us safe and for sparing my van of anything. I foolishly left my wallet in the door pocket and the van was not locked. It was not touched! Yes, we are taking a few extra security measures now, and we all share quite a laugh at this one! So much for no crime!!

Being single sets in

2007-08-21T22:56:00.000-04:00

I promise to write more light-hearted things tomorrow and give some pics from our recent camping trip, but first I must work out some thoughts. The last few weeks have been stressful in a whole different sort of way. The enormity of being a single mom has hit me in full force. Until now, I had been in some sort of denial state where I thought that either my husband would repent or God would just miraculously send us a new wonderful Godly man and this whole nightmare would be over in a year or so, tops. Imagine that! As it is so painfully apparent now that he has no intentions of repenting of his new life, I am faced with the certainty of being a single mom to four kids. I am just one- there are four of them. I get so discouraged at times because they need me so much but all in different ways. How will I ever stretch myself to meet all their needs?

But then God sets into my heart and whispers about how he has sent me a helper. Her name is Dory and she has just come to live with me. She is my new angel. My family and her family go waaaay back to childhood days. Dory graduated college this year and took a teaching job not too far away from me. Her sister lives about a hour south of me, but is unable to have tenants. So she has come to stay with us. In exchange for room and board, she will watch my kids every other weekend while I work. She is so sweet and even cleaned up the house yesterday!

I think I have mentioned the "Quieting a Noisy Soul" series by Jim Berg before. I am still plugging away at it, and have had to park on the two chapters about discouragement and despair. Wow, has God been smacking me around a bit! Here are some tidbits:
-- If you put joy and peace in a blender, you get contentment
-- you need to pray not just for deliverance, but for endurance
This one really hit me hard, as I so totally thought that this was just a blip to give me something better in life. I really had not thought this might be long-term. I know- that really sounds insane.
-- God may want us to be changed, so the circumstance can't be until we do.
-- Far too often our despair happens because we are listening to our self instead of talking to our self.
It took me a bit to get that one, but it is soooo true! When I listen to the thoughts of "God does not really love you, etc." instead of quoting scripture at myself, I get discouraged. I fall into despair when I start thinking about how unfair all of this is and how I don't deserve this. But Job was one of the most Godly men and he lost everything. But look what he gained for staying faithful to the Lord! It is just so hard to see the other side when the waves are crashing so hard against you!! From where I stand right now, it seems the life I vowed I would never live has no end in sight. I vowed my kids would never know the pain of what I endured growing up, but they do. And some how God will sustain them too. God gave me Godly men to influence me at just the right times, and He will for them too if need be.

Somewhere in the back of my thinking is the verse about God giving you the desires of your heart. I just don't see that happening yet. But even as I type that, that really is not fully true. My heart's desire is to see my children walk in Him. So far, all love God deeply. But oh, how my heart aches when I have to go to work every weekend and they beg me not to. And when my little girl looks at me with tear- filled eyes and says "can God give us a new daddy that loves God?"

We have been singing a song in church the last few months that is so great. It is by the Gettys and called "Speak, O Lord." I have yet to get through the third verse with dry eyes:
"Speak O Lord, and renew our minds; help us grasp the heights of Your plans for us. Truths unchanged from the dawn of time, that will echo down through eternity. And by grace we'll stand on your promises; And by faith we'll walk as you walk with us. Speak, O Lord, til your church is built, and the earth is filled with your glory."

I'm back-maybe!

2007-08-21T11:43:00.000-04:00

I have just been catching up on my "blog reading" and I know it has been a couple of weeks since I have written anything. Life is sooooo busy right now I can barely breathe! It seems my computer time is the first to go. (Not that that is a bad thing probably, but I do miss everyone!) I will write more tonight, I hope!

Bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils

2007-08-02T06:44:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite romantic comedies is the Tom Hanks/ Meg Ryan movie "You've got Mail." Made back when email was just becoming a huge hit, it has many one liners that I love. One of them is about the fall and the start of school. She talks of bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils. School is just three weeks away here, so we did a bit of shopping yesterday. It was such great fun to help the kids pick out new backpacks and lunchboxes, etc. I will have three in school this year. Kristen is in second grade, Ty will be three days a week in Kindergarten, and Bryce is signed up for special speech school two mornings a week. Bryce is really coming along with his speech and just barely qualifies for the special school, but I really want him to get some extra help while he is young. All this translates into a busy schedule, but also on Fri. mornings, it will just be me and the baby at home. Hard to believe!

The kids are excited for school as well. Tyler actually said he couldn't wait for school to start because it is quiet all day there! I guess we have had a busy and exciting summer!

Oh, on a side note, the other great part of "You've Got Mail" is her love of daisies. I have always loved daisies, and she calls them "...such a happy flower." I totally agree!!

Glorious day at the beach!

2007-07-25T22:01:00.000-04:00

Bryce borrowed a "boogie board" from one of the teen boys. He would put it in the sand, jump on, and wait for the wave to come in! Sadly though, he was too far back for the wave to have enough force to move him. He would get really mad at the board and shake his finger and yell at it! Then he would drag it further in. He eventually got brave enough to lay down on it some!! So cute, and it gave quite a show for all of us!

Tyler chasing the waves.

Kristen and a friend building a sand castle. That darn tide just had to keep coming in and ruining all their hard work!!

We had a fabulous day with many church friends at the ocean today! It was so nice to get away and yet still be with so many friends. The water was warm enough this time that we really enjoyed it!

It's over, but I'm free

2007-07-18T22:15:00.000-04:00

First, thank you all for "listening" to me. This must be a depressing blog for all of you to read! But you have no idea how healing it is for me to journal all of this out, and the words of comfort all of you leave on the comments mean so much!

Yes, it is over. I am officially a divorced woman. It is still shocking to me that with just a few short questions and in less than five minutes, your marriage can be dissolved.

I think I will just write today as it happened. We did all the paperwork ourselves, so neither of us had a lawyer. When he would start to really push things, all I had to do was threaten to get a lawyer and he straightened up. He is really afraid of them! I do believe we worked things out fairly. I have full custody of the kids. His visits with them will not interfere with church times. I keep the house and his child support is enough that with my working things are ok. We each kept our respective vehicles and the payments. The holiday schedule is agreeable, and we agreed that whoever has the kids is the one who goes to the family gatherings. This one was a bit tough to work out since it is his family, but I am really a part of it in everyone else's eyes. They have all promised many times over that I will never be left out. I love them soooo much!

We entered the courtroom at 9 AM. I had my dear friend Kerry and my pastor's wife, Hope with me. He came alone, for which I was thankful. I had prepared myself that she would come along. The clerk went over our papers, tweaked a few things, then told us to take a seat at each of the tables. When the judge came in, we had to each swear to tell the truth, then she asked Rodney a series of questions. They were things like: do you know what you have signed, do you feel it is in every one's best interest, have you done everything possible to reconcile, and finally, do you have anything to add. His answers were cut and dry. She then turned to me and started the same questions. I thought I was going to pass out and my voice just wouldn't come out right. She had to ask me to speak up because the hearing was being recorded. She kept referring to everything as "irreconcilable differences." I wanted to scream out "it is him who is unwilling!" But instead, I waited until she asked if I had anything to add and simply stated, "this is because of his adultery." With just a slight hint of care, she nodded, gave a long pause, and then said "this matter is now dissolved."

Just like that. The long time love of my life made a beeline out the door. When I turned around my two dear friends both had tears streaming and that was all I needed. I fell into their arms and sobbed. The bailiff graciously closed the courtroom door and handed us a box of tissue. We cried for several minutes and then Kerry whispered "hold your head high, girl. You've done nothing wrong. You're free.

I'm free. I am grieving so hard right now, it is hard to see beyond the pain. But I know that Scripture does allow me to remarry. This is truly a "except for fornication..." And what kind of God is it that would condemn a woman to a life of singleness when my only crime is being a Godly wife and mother?!! I know that my husband really is rejecting God right now. I am just what stands in the way. I certainly am not going out looking anytime soon, and let's face it. It is going to take one special man to take on four small kids!! But I know that my children do not have to grow up as I did. They can have a Godly father again- someday!

The drive home was going smoothly until I was rounding the corner of my street. My kids were at a friend's house a short distance from ours, so I really hadn't planned to stop home. But as my home came into view, the tears came again- hard. It was all I could do to get into the driveway. I was alone now, so I just sat in my van and let the tears flow. I have not cried that hard since the day I found out about the affairs. I knew I needed to just let it come, so I did not fight the grief. After a few minutes, thing subsided and I went inside, refreshed my makeup, read my favorite verses, and then left to get my kiddos.

The rest of the day was spent going to the church to help prepare for next weeks VBS stuff. It was a great diversion for me, and I was surrounded by God's loving people. We wrapped up the day with Wed. prayer service where the whole church just surrounded me (and the kids) with love.

I will close this post with one last thought. Rodney and I talked some on Mon. and I posed the question if this was really what he really wanted. His answer was "absolutely. Did you really think I would change my mind?" I told him I hoped he would see that the grass was not greener and that there was many hundreds of people praying for him to repent. He said "you know, the fact that you have the church made it really easy for me to walk away." He meant this to be mean, but what a testimony for my church!! The fact that he knew they would love and support me and the kids when he abandoned us! I praise God for my church family!

Thank you so much for bearing with this long post! It really brings much healing.

A good day

2007-07-12T23:09:00.000-04:00

Today was a beautiful day!! It has been so hot and humid the past few days, but a cold front came through last night and changed all that. The sun was bright and a gentle breeze blew all day. The day was quite a mix of emotion. The hubby called to ask about some piddly thing. We talked about how much of a jerk he was earlier this week. He said he had other stresses that were going on. I told him I didn't care about what else was in his life, but it was very unfair to be mean to me for something I have nothing to do with!! He appologized. I felt a bit of vindication. Some from the appology, but mainly that his life is so stressful. Outside of him, my life is pretty care free!

I have felt the tremendous need to redecorate my bedroom for several weeks now. My aunt and I talked of it last week when she was here, and right before she left to go back to IL, she slipped me some cash to begin my "girl room." I poured last week over many bedroom sets, finally found my perfect match, and wouldn't you know, it was on back order! But, alas, it came in today!! I scooped up the kids quick and ran to the store to get my bed linens! The kids helped me take off the old bed sheets and stuff. If you have a bed skirt, you know what a pain they are to put on!! I also replaced the curtains. As I stepped back and looked at my "new" room, I started crying. It really is pretty. It is ME. That is just it. It is no longer our room- it is mine. The kids all plopped down with me and we sank into the plushness of the comforter. They wrapped their little arms around me and again, God's healing touch flowed through me. Later tonight, as I lay watching TV snuggled in my blue flowers of incredibly soft fabric, I found myself smiling. The little things!

I also did several things today that just make me feel soooo good. I am really gonna make it!! I put the baby's crib together- all by myself! (The little guy is five months this next week, and is end-to-end in the bassinet. Time to move out of mom's room!) I also decided to grill out for supper tonight. Grilling was the one cooking thing that Rodney would do. We have a great grill that I just had never figured out how to use. Once I realized there was a safety switch on the propane tank, things went very well!! The burgers were tasty and we had a cute little picnic on the driveway! Never mind that the reason for the picnic was that the house was such a mess from all the activity of the day that there was no spot to eat!! But it was a perfect evening and many great times were had by all.

As I was tucking the kids in for the night, my five year old said to me, "I miss daddy, but I love you bestest of all." While I should have told him not to say that, my heart was soaring so high that I think my response was more like "I'm sure you have good times with daddy too, and I love you sooooo much!"

Thank you, God, for this wonderful summer day!

Peace that passes all understanding

2007-07-10T23:24:00.000-04:00

It seems like it has been ages since I have written. My life is soooooo full! My mom, sister, and aunt came to visit last week. Generally, it was a good visit, but I do remember the reasons why I chose to leave all of them a thousand miles away!! My family truly is the poster family for dysfunction. But I love them, and we really had a great time. I took them to the ocean and to the mountains. They spoiled my kids rotten. We really enjoyed each other.

I have so many things heavy on my mind. It will take me weeks to get them all out. But as I was just reading through a friend's blog on prayer, I knew what I needed to write about tonight. The two biggest things are that my husband is engaged and my divorce will be finalized one week from now.

Yes, I did say "my husband is engaged"!! It happened several weeks ago. When I commented about how fast it was, his response was "well, it isn't all that fast for us." Oh, that's right. They were sleeping together for the better half of last year!! Even in the eyes of the unsaved women that I work with, he is a scumbag. He can't even wait until we are actually divorced?!!

The other thing is that my divorce will be finalized on July 18 at 9 AM. Please pray for me on this day. I have no idea what my emotional state will be on that day. I do not want to cry in the courtroom, but I probably will. My pastor and his wife and a dear friend will be with me for support. It is pretty cut and dry as Rodney and I have sat down with all the paperwork and mutually worked out all the details of money, visitation schedules, etc. If only the girlfriend would quit shoving herself at me this could go along peaceable!

But I mentioned the friend's blog on prayer. I too, have been getting big lessons in how to use this powerful tool. I have no other recourse but to take my heartaches to the Lord. For all the horrible injustices that are being poured out on me right now, God has a plan for them!! He is molding me into what he wants me to be. I love a song by Larnelle Harris that is on our radio station here: "if not for the storm, I couldn't call you my Shelter. If not for the storm, I wouldn't know you the way I do. If not for the storm, I wouldn't need a Savior." And then an amazing thing takes place. Hope blooms. A smile replaces the tears. The "peace that passes all understanding" comes to be. God's love is shining through me and I have no idea how! People tell me that I am glowing. That I am smiling. I can't explain how!

I wish I could tell you he has fallen before God and repented if his sin. I can't. He is just the opposite. But I have hope. Hope that God will either break this man's hard spirit or send me someone else. I do not have to be alone and my children fatherless just because my husband chose to throw away his Christianity and desert his family.

Psalm 26:1 has been a huge encouragement to me. "Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have lived a blameless life..." This verse sustains me when I want in my flesh to lash out in anger against him. Also, "revenge belongs to the Lord." How great our God is to give us so many words of wisdom- all in one book!

A healing balm

2007-06-21T19:28:00.000-04:00

After several horribly emotional days, the details of which I will spare everyone of, yesterday brought a wonderful day of healing for this weary soul. I don't remember if I mentioned this before, but my brother and sister in law wanted to do something really special for my birthday a couple of months ago. They knew I had always wanted to see the theater production of Riverdance, so they got me two tickets!! The show was for yesterday in Boston's historic Wang Theater. I asked another single mom in the church to accompany me, so we headed out early yesterday morning to make a day of Boston. The kids spent the day with Grammie, so I had an entire day free of emergency potty breaks and baby feeding schedules! I hardly knew what to do with myself. After fighting through morning commute traffic, we parked at the Navy shipyard, took a quick peek at the U.S.S. Constitution, and then took a ferry to Quincy Market. There we spent several hours looking at all the cute and expensive shops, got blisters on our feet from the cute but totally not-made-for-walking shoes we both wore, found a great deal on comfy flip flops at the Gap, had an absolutely to die for latte at Starbucks, and then lunch at a cute little sandwich shop. It was then time to take the T (Boston's subway) to the theater. We got a little lost getting off the subway, so we made it to the theater just as it was starting, so we had to wait in the hall for a few minutes. But they had monitors to watch the show, so we did not miss anything.

The show was wonderful!!! I LOVE Celtic music, and the dancing was superb. The muscles on the dancers bodies makes you wonder how many hours they spend in the gym! The show was over far too soon, but a memory I will keep forever. During one of the instrumental pieces, the thought occurred to me of how much of a healing balm this day was for me. God is good and I can check off one of my "things to do before I die"!! Oh, and I just had to buy a t-shirt with "Riverdance" printed on it to tell the world I saw this amazing performance!

Just plain cute!

2007-06-13T09:57:00.000-04:00

Now that I am getting the hang of picture posting, you will probably see many more!! I just had to share this one. The kids planted sunflowers in little plastic cups several weeks back as a Sunday school project. They are growing well now, so I decided to try planting them into the flower bed. I was helping Bryce and Kristen with theirs, so my back was to Tyler. Several minutes later, he proudly proclaimed he was finished. What I found was too funny. He had planted the whole cup!

Beautiful link

2007-06-12T15:15:00.000-04:00

I was surfing through people's blogs today, and found a beautiful link for a soldier tribute. I have seen this one in the past, and it's a goody! My father- in- law has been home from the war for a year now, but we watch him struggle still with the horrors of things he saw. In a time when the war is ever under scrutiny of its necessity, it is great to be reminded of what our troops really do over there!! I know many of you have family and friends serving. Turn up the volume and grab a tissue box- don't miss the pic of the soldier filling up a gas tank on the donkey, and dad tells of the times with the kids- they LOVE the soldiers.http://www.clermontyellow.accountsupport.com/flash/UntilThen.swf

still tweeking!

2007-06-12T10:34:00.000-04:00

This is Kristen. She is just like me in so many ways!!

Ok, so I am still tweeking my piture posting skills. The pic without a caption is Bryce full of a peanut butter and fluff sandwich. For those of you mid-westerners, peanut butter and marshmellow fluff, aka "Fluffernutter" is a clasic New England sandwich. Marshmellow fluff is sold here in huge plasic jugs and even tells you on the side of the jug how to make the sandwich!

The above pic is of Tyler holding Judson. I just thought they both look so cute here and Ty looks so relaxed!!

2007-06-12T10:17:00.000-04:00

I have finally figured out how to post pics and stuff!!! I have also decided it is not a big deal to give first names, so here is Judson. He is three months old and all smiles!

School's out!

2007-06-12T09:53:00.000-04:00

It is officially summer in our house!! School let out for the summer on Friday and the kids are thrilled! Today we all lazed around until I realized it was only 20 min. until the speech teacher arrives. So then I had to scurry around getting everyone dressed and shove some breakfast into their bellies!!

I am hoping to make this summer all about healing our wounded hearts by spending a lot of quality time with my kiddos and just have a really fun summer. We have swimming lessons planned and I want to take them at least once a week to a cool playground that we have a membership to. It has a giant playground and a really cool water park with it.

We are looking forward to a visit from my aunt and sister over the July 4 week, and maybe a visit from one of my old college room mates later this summer. We have VBS at church in July. We will also be busy helping our church renovate the new building!! There is always a way to serve God no matter how young you are!!

Can't wait to see what fun the summer has in store!

What a night

2007-06-07T23:23:00.000-04:00

WOW! Bear with me as I use this blog to process in my mind all that has just happened today. It began this afternoon when my daughter out of the blue tells me that Miss____ (the girlfriend) fed our baby food and he liked it so it is ok that I feed him food. My heart jumped to my throat but I just smiled and said "thank you, sweetie." I then went into the other room and lost it completely. My baby is three and a half months old. All of you up on today's teachings about solid foods will know there are certain cues to watch for to know that your baby is ready to have solid foods. This usually comes at 4-6 months. I had the whole spectrum of feelings. I was sooooo hurt (and, yup, angry) and felt as if something so special was stolen from me. I am his mom- feedings are up to me!!!! I had written up a note for them giving an outline as to his schedule. If I wanted him to have cereal, then I would have sent some and written it down!!!! As it turned out, the hubby called about 20 min. after I learned this information, and did he get an earful! He tried to cover for her and say it was all his doing. What kind of planet does he think I am from? This man has no clue about feeding babies. This has always been my domain. I told him I was not sure if I was going to allow him to take the baby anymore. I called a lawyer this afternoon and found that I really do not have much right to do this. I could fight it out in the courts if I really wanted to, but it really is a minor thing given that he is so close to the right age. The lawyer did advise that there be some discussion about boundaries. DUH!! Try to work it out between the two of you- it only hurts the kids to fight everything out. So, we talked again. He promised to do better. We'll see.

But as the night wore on, it occurred to me that I really needed to talk to her. I needed to tell her what my feeding plans are. I needed her to fully get the fact that I am the mom and she does not get to make those kind of choices for my kids. Her kids are much older than mine. She is going on what she did with her kids. So, I mustered the nerve and called her. She was not home at the time, but a short time later I got a knock at the door. My heart stopped. I was now face to face with the woman who took my husband.

We ended up talking for about two hours. She is not some mean horrible ogar. She is attractive and small stature just like me. She says she is a good person who usually is the one everyone comes to for advice. She told me how sorry she was for all of this- that she didn't mean to fall in love with my husband. I looked dead into her face and told her when she gave my baby food for the first time, she stole something that was so precious to me. I am his mother- not her. I was able to stare her straight in the eyes and ask her how she sleeps at night knowing the destruction she has helped cause four little kids and one woman. Her answer was that they are young and they will get over it, and I am a strong person and am young and pretty and will find love again. My heart filled with such pity (for lack of a better word) at that. The unsaved have to come up with something to numb the conscience. I looked at her and told her how I was the kid of divorced parents and I did not get over it. There are still issues that I battle today because of my parents' divorce. I asked her how she thought her relationship will last when he was so willing to lie so much to me and continues to do so even today. She says she hopes it will be different because he is now free to be himself. I told her of the many things he did to me in the first two weeks of us splitting up and how he smashed the affairs in my face over and over again. She seemed genuinely surprised and said she did not know he had done these things.

So, she apologized for the food incident and a couple of other things that have happened while the kids have been with them. She promises to uphold my standards and whatever I wish for feedings. I told her that's nice, now prove it. She asked about allergies and insurance info. We talked of the kids' heath history. I feel a bit like the Julia Roberts' movie Stepmom. It is very weird to be telling another woman all that stuff, but if she is going to be with my kids every other weekend, she should know that stuff, I guess.

I think I can say, I am glad that this happened tonight. I do wish I did not have a face to put on her. However, there is a certain amount of closure to the affair thing to be able to look her in the eye and ask those burning questions. To see her fumble for words to justify her actions.

Now, I must find a way to pray for this woman. She has some deep anger toward God. We talked of how today's society plays the blame game- nothing is ever one's own fault. She says her blame is on God for all the bad things that happened to her through the years. She is a part of my kids' lives, and that scares me to pieces. How I must surround them with God's love and power if they are to survive this!!

On my last post

2007-05-31T20:11:00.000-04:00

Well, it has been two days since the hubby and I had those deep conversations, and I believe that my pastor was once again correct. The hubby was not really ready to come home, he was just feeling me out. Tonight, he was the same old hard man who just couldn't understand why I can't get it that he does not want to be married to me ever again. He then proceeded to tell me many details of the two affairs that he has had. And yet, he would not admit that he cheated on me! I will spare the horrifying details, but it is amazing to me the perverse nature of the unsaved. Yes, I now believe that he is truly unsaved. I was told today by a woman that has been working with him for many years that he has always had a very fowl mouth. This information shocked me, because I honestly can say I never heard him swear!! I asked him how could he live with himself all those months. How could he come home and snuggle up with me after he had just been doing such perverse things with someone else? How could he go to church week after week, sing in the choir, and lead the congregational singing knowing the wicked things he was doing? He asked me to remember how he had once said he wanted to quit but he didn't go through with it because he didn't want to answer the questions.

This was definately a "venting" post! Thanks for listening. I know God can change his heart, but right now, that is one hard man who has no intention of ever returning to Christ.

A call to pray

2007-05-30T10:36:00.000-04:00

For all of you out there who care- this is an urgent call to pray for my husband. We have had several in depth conversations over the last few days, and I firmly believe that he is at a "now or never" point. He misses his family and is finding out the life that he has chosen has many downsides. He posed the question to me about coming back but just living an unsaved life. "Does it really have to be a package deal- God and the family, can't it just be the family?" To accept me is to accept my faith. I can not separate one from the other. That is who I am. That is what our children knew him as. To bring him back into the home and tell the kids daddy just wants to be unsaved would be detrimental to their spiritual life!! And how could I ever trust him to not stray when God is the only One who can keep a man's heart from sinful ways. Yes, the Lord and I are a package deal! I would rather be a single mom than live fighting against an unsaved husband- especially one who knows the truth so well but chooses to reject it.

So, I ask all of you to join with me in praying God's convicting power over him. Pray for him to fall on his knees before the Almighty.

One tough evening

2007-05-24T19:35:00.000-04:00

For the second day in a row, my daughter came home from school having to write sentences. That is their punishment for doing something bad. She has only had to do this one other time in her school days. Usually she is a very good kid. When I asked her what was going on, she started crying and said "I just don't know what is going on in my head." It was all I could do to keep myself under control because of course I know exactly what is going on. Remembering the advice of someone, I knew I had to punish the bad behavior but still deal with her hurting heart. All of you out there-- please pray for the kids! They have so much to deal with. He is already bringing them around the girlfriend and her kids. He is just telling them that they are daddy's new friends. The kids are so smart- it will not take them long to figure things out! Their hearts have so much to process through. Pray that they (especially our daughter) will not shove the feelings inside, but will talk to me or another adult about them. I tried to explain that shoving the hurt inside just makes us angry and that hurts people. We need to tell someone and especially Jesus when we hurt. If any of you can think of other ways to help them, please comment!! Thanks.