It has been forever and a day since I have blogged. When I first started this blog, it was for my therapy right after the divorce. Then when I married Paul, that need went away. Lately, I am just finding myself longing to just write my thoughts out. Maybe it is that I am getting older (I know, I'm a whopping 33) or just that I have had some really hard knocks in life and it helps me to think I might be of help to someone else. Whatever the reason, I am hoping to blog a bit more. I do say "hoping" since I also know me and amongst all the other 50 million things I do daily, I want to add something else!!!
My thoughts have been focused lately on the little things of life. This last year has been really tough. I filed bankruptcy, lost my home, my van, battled a debilitating right hand that led to surgery, the long recovery process from that surgery, and am almost daily fighting a hard battle with a rebellious step son that tosses all his anger on me and my children. Those are just the majors. Toss in the day to day battles of working, marriage, and raising five kids and it can really get over whelming! But in those moments of pure insanity, I must CHOOSE to refocus my heart and mind on the stabilizing truths that I KNOW are real: My God is real, He loves me, He is ALWAYS up to something good in my life, and the hardest thing for me to really get... God is not punishing me. When these major things are going on, it is difficult, for me anyway, not to see God as the evil villain punishing me for whatever shortcoming I see at that moment. It is in these moments that I must really refocus my mind on the little blessings of day to day life. Because when I do and step back and look at them, they really add up!!
The "gem jar" system has been one of my greatest accomplishments!! I took the idea from a magazine article I read and adapted it to us. When the kids help out with chores or do something noteworthy, they get a "gem" in their jar (those small deco. rocks you can get at the dollar store.) If they do something really great they get a "big gem." It takes the kids usually 6 weeks or so to fill the jar, and they then can get something valued at about $30. They kids have even put theirs together to get something bigger to share. Recently, Kristen, Tyler, and Bryce came to me and said they all wanted to put their gem jars together to help buy a new computer for the family. (Our desktop has been broken for about 8 months.) When I told them that computers cost far more than just the gem jars, they quickly agreed to all earn two jars each! I was so moved by their willingness to work together as a family, I agreed. I later posted this story on Facebook. A few days later, we were approached by someone who had seen the post and wanted to give us their extra computer!!!
We have battled in court several times now with Paul's ex-wife. We pay an astronomical amount of child support for one child that lives with us half time. We actually pay out about $200 a month more than we take in for ALL four of my children! We got back the final court ruling this week and it was not really favorable to us. Not only was the child support not reduced, but we are now going to be paying about $50 a month more!! It is very easy to get discouraged by the numbers and the injustice of it all. Choose to focus on the little blessings... when we really look at the judge's ruling, yes, monetarily we did not win. But we did win on so many things that can not be measured with a dollar, and that is probably worth more than all the money! I also had just told Paul last week that all the kids socks are all wearing out all at once! What was handed to us Wed. night? A big bag of new and almost new socks that took care of two of the boys!! I regularly shop at a scratch and dent/ slightly outdated store. We find such great deals at this place that greatly reduce our food budget!!
I have one of the most caring husbands ever. He knows just what I need and does his best to fill those needs. I love that even after two and a half years, I can still wake during the early hours of the day to find him sitting with his coffee in one hand, Bible in his lap. Then he comes back to me and wraps me in his arms and waits until it is time to wake me. God sure knew what I would need to make me secure in a marriage again. These moments are so small, maybe even mundane, but not to me! I love that he so many nights cooks and even more than that, he loads the dishwasher!
There are so many other things I could go on about, but the noise level is starting to go up around here, so I need to stop! If there is anything I am learning right now, it is to not focus so much on the end result. I must take the time ti be in the moment. When I do, I find it is so much more bearable. Lam. 3 "His mercies are new every morning... great is Thy faithfulness."
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Saturday, September 18, 2010
My trip to Vegas
Wow! What a trip this has been!! Paul and I first found out about the possibility of this trip around the beginning of the year. It was originally supposed to be in Nashville at the Grand Old Opry Hotel in May. But the week before the convention, Nashville had major flooding issues, and the resort was under 18 feet of water!!! I was really bummed out that the convention was cancelled. I had lined up to visit with a number of friends and family in the area, and was really looking forward to seeing them. When we found out the trip had been rescheduled for Las Vegas, we were less than thrilled. This city is not exactly the place a conservative Christian really enjoys. Paul had to go as he was one of the speakers, but I was really on the fence about going. However, with all the stress of the last few months and the move just a couple of weeks away, I decided a good break would do my soul some good.
For the fact that Paul was in seminars several hours each day and most of the day Wed., I think we crammed in just about ever tourist hot spot that there on the Vegas Strip. We walked and walked and walked some more, and then we took the bus!!! We saw from the Vegas welcome sign all the way to Freemont St. I really did not enjoy Freemont St. Way too loud, drunks were everywhere, and it was dirty. The big screen canopy was cool and I got pictures of the famous cowboy and girl. We did find a really cool gift shop of Indian things (Kristen will love us for that!)
We rode the Eiffel tower ride and saw the city from WAY up high! Ya know, I have been at the Sears tower in Chicago many times, but this elevator was glass and it seems nothing was around you-- I was so totally backing up as far as I could!!! Our big splurge was a the MGM Grand hotel where we did the CSI Experience. It was really cool. It had real stuff from the show, and you got to do an interactive crime solving case with Grissom as our supervisor. All the cast was there (on video, of course-- that would have too cool if they were really there) to help us along with the different tasks. We had to examine fingerprint and blood evidence, and to watch the autopsy. Pretty cool stuff.
We also saw the Luxor, walked into the extravagant Trump Towers, saw the statue of Liberty made out of jelly beans, and the Vegas sign made out of M&Ms, went to Caesar’s palace, and so many other things. My husband humored me by allowing us to have our picture taken in front of the famous Little White Chapel, but no, Elvis wasn’t there!
My absolute favorite thing about Vegas was the Bellagio. Made famous in the Oceans 11 movie, it is well known for its grandeur. The fountain at night is spectacular. It goes off every 15 minutes, and I could sit and watch it all night. I think in total we saw it five times. The Bellagio is also equally as beautiful inside. The conservatory was breath taking, and the candy shop with its giant chocolate wedding dress, and 27 foot tall chocolate fountain was just plain a dream for this chocolate-loving girl.
I will certainly not miss some things in Vegas, and I learned NEVER take pamphlets being handed out on the street!!!!
For the fact that Paul was in seminars several hours each day and most of the day Wed., I think we crammed in just about ever tourist hot spot that there on the Vegas Strip. We walked and walked and walked some more, and then we took the bus!!! We saw from the Vegas welcome sign all the way to Freemont St. I really did not enjoy Freemont St. Way too loud, drunks were everywhere, and it was dirty. The big screen canopy was cool and I got pictures of the famous cowboy and girl. We did find a really cool gift shop of Indian things (Kristen will love us for that!)
We rode the Eiffel tower ride and saw the city from WAY up high! Ya know, I have been at the Sears tower in Chicago many times, but this elevator was glass and it seems nothing was around you-- I was so totally backing up as far as I could!!! Our big splurge was a the MGM Grand hotel where we did the CSI Experience. It was really cool. It had real stuff from the show, and you got to do an interactive crime solving case with Grissom as our supervisor. All the cast was there (on video, of course-- that would have too cool if they were really there) to help us along with the different tasks. We had to examine fingerprint and blood evidence, and to watch the autopsy. Pretty cool stuff.
We also saw the Luxor, walked into the extravagant Trump Towers, saw the statue of Liberty made out of jelly beans, and the Vegas sign made out of M&Ms, went to Caesar’s palace, and so many other things. My husband humored me by allowing us to have our picture taken in front of the famous Little White Chapel, but no, Elvis wasn’t there!
My absolute favorite thing about Vegas was the Bellagio. Made famous in the Oceans 11 movie, it is well known for its grandeur. The fountain at night is spectacular. It goes off every 15 minutes, and I could sit and watch it all night. I think in total we saw it five times. The Bellagio is also equally as beautiful inside. The conservatory was breath taking, and the candy shop with its giant chocolate wedding dress, and 27 foot tall chocolate fountain was just plain a dream for this chocolate-loving girl.
I will certainly not miss some things in Vegas, and I learned NEVER take pamphlets being handed out on the street!!!!
A heart like Tyler
My children are all equally special to me. Kristen is my first-born and only girl. Bryce is my clingy and needing-much-love- child. Judson is my baby who carried me through such a dark time. But then there is Tyler. I used to worry that he would have the “middle child lost in the shuffle” syndrome. He is such an easy going kid--has been since he was born. He rarely makes trouble for anyone, and can sometimes be quite a wall flower. But as Tyler grows, I am seeing more and more what an incredible kid he really is. A couple of years ago, it was the joke amongst moms at my church that they wanted to clone Tyler. This was the beginning of me being able to see just what a kind of kid he really is.
I can remember one time during the first winter that I was a single mom. A man in the church had just taken care of plowing our snow, and Tyler came into the kitchen and handed him a few pennies and said thank you for taking care of us. I about burst into tears right there!!! The man took them, then later snuck them back to me. Tyler has said since kindergarten that he wants to be a preacher when he grows up. He is now in third grade and that has not changed. You can not know Tyler for very long without seeing his incredibly caring heart. He will do anything for you. He will do anything you ask of him, and he will do it with a happy heart. Ty has never been one for much physical showing of affection. Hugs and kisses came far and few between when he was young. But do not be deceived: there is a fierce loyalty within him that can not be shaken. He is unshakably tight with Kristen, and looks out for his brothers as well. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he is not perfect. Yes, he fights with his brothers; but at the end of the day, he would give anything for them.
The thing that makes Tyler so incredible, though, is his love for God. His prayers each night are so special. He prays for others and he prays for himself. I love that he prays each night for him “to always follow You, Lord.” He recently has begun to really read the Bible for himself. He asked me one night how many gems (that is our reward system) he would get for reading an entire book of the Bible. I dismissed him with a wave and said we would talk about that when it happened. The next morning he came down with bleary eyes, snuggled up with me, and said, “Mom, I read I,II, and III John, but I fell asleep in Jude. Can I have a big gem for that?” To say the least, I was shocked that an eight year old could read so much in one night. As the weeks have gone on, we have had many talks about what a certain passage means. This is how I know he is really reading it! I had to direct him out of Revelation, as that was scaring him and very difficult for me to explain. Really, Revelation is hard for adults to understand let alone a child!!!!
Tyler also has an incredible laugh. His kindergarten teacher gave him as a graduation present a stuffed turtle that laughs. He still has it, and I recently put it away so we can keep it nice. She said the turtle laughs just like he does. She is so right! I heard that laugh so clearly two nights ago as I was talking to him on the phone. Kristen did something that made him laugh, and this incredible giggle just broke out. It is the kind of laugh that no matter what mood you are in, you can not help but laugh with him.
Tyler was a joy as a baby, but as he grows, he is even more of a blessing. I really can’t wait to see what kind of a man he will grow into, and if he continues on this path, he will make some girl out there one great husband!
I can remember one time during the first winter that I was a single mom. A man in the church had just taken care of plowing our snow, and Tyler came into the kitchen and handed him a few pennies and said thank you for taking care of us. I about burst into tears right there!!! The man took them, then later snuck them back to me. Tyler has said since kindergarten that he wants to be a preacher when he grows up. He is now in third grade and that has not changed. You can not know Tyler for very long without seeing his incredibly caring heart. He will do anything for you. He will do anything you ask of him, and he will do it with a happy heart. Ty has never been one for much physical showing of affection. Hugs and kisses came far and few between when he was young. But do not be deceived: there is a fierce loyalty within him that can not be shaken. He is unshakably tight with Kristen, and looks out for his brothers as well. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he is not perfect. Yes, he fights with his brothers; but at the end of the day, he would give anything for them.
The thing that makes Tyler so incredible, though, is his love for God. His prayers each night are so special. He prays for others and he prays for himself. I love that he prays each night for him “to always follow You, Lord.” He recently has begun to really read the Bible for himself. He asked me one night how many gems (that is our reward system) he would get for reading an entire book of the Bible. I dismissed him with a wave and said we would talk about that when it happened. The next morning he came down with bleary eyes, snuggled up with me, and said, “Mom, I read I,II, and III John, but I fell asleep in Jude. Can I have a big gem for that?” To say the least, I was shocked that an eight year old could read so much in one night. As the weeks have gone on, we have had many talks about what a certain passage means. This is how I know he is really reading it! I had to direct him out of Revelation, as that was scaring him and very difficult for me to explain. Really, Revelation is hard for adults to understand let alone a child!!!!
Tyler also has an incredible laugh. His kindergarten teacher gave him as a graduation present a stuffed turtle that laughs. He still has it, and I recently put it away so we can keep it nice. She said the turtle laughs just like he does. She is so right! I heard that laugh so clearly two nights ago as I was talking to him on the phone. Kristen did something that made him laugh, and this incredible giggle just broke out. It is the kind of laugh that no matter what mood you are in, you can not help but laugh with him.
Tyler was a joy as a baby, but as he grows, he is even more of a blessing. I really can’t wait to see what kind of a man he will grow into, and if he continues on this path, he will make some girl out there one great husband!
The bridge
This is the post that has been rolling in my head the most and what prompted me to return to blogging. Losing my house has been a most trying experience for me. When I was thick in the throws of the decision process, I asked my pastor why, when I have come through some pretty dark times, why was this one so hard for me. He simply said, “because you are a woman, and women are nesters at heart. This is messing with your nest.” He was dead spot on. Through this process I have realized that I am a pretty strong person of roots. I had made my house a home--my home, and I have no desire to move it around. I had carefully repainted and decorated every inch of it. My kids have called it home for six years, and with the exception of Kristen, do not remember living anywhere else. When the divorce happened, it was so important to me to keep as much of their life as normal as possible. I did not want them to lose their father and their home at the same time. And it worked….for a time.
There was also this over-whelming sense of failure. I had fought so hard to keep the kids in their home, and now it wasn’t working. I was not being able to provide for my kids. But again, I had to be reminded by those close to me, that I was forced into this position. It wasn’t supposed to be that I was caring for these children alone or that Paul was to fix all the errors of the past. Some things just can’t be fixed. It wasn’t my burden of failure to bear. It took me a long while to fully understand that. And, amazingly enough, when I finally surrendered and told the kids we would be moving, they took it pretty well!!! I was amazed at how they do not really need the house to be “home.” They taught me how much home is were your loved ones are. It doesn’t matter what walls we live in, just that we are together. I know I will need to be reminded of this again when in a few weeks I see my empty house.
Another aspect of this loss is the memories that it drudged up. When it became appearant that he was really not coming back, I packed up many things and just put the boxes up in the attic. These boxes have not been touched since until earlier this summer when I began packing and cleaning. I had to go through these things and get rid of a lot. It reopened the whole thing for me. I relived the abandonment all over again. I happened to pick up a People magazine recently while waiting in the dr.’s office. I am sure most of you have heard some of the Elizabeth Edwards story. I have seen several interviews with her, and relate so much with her story. The magazine article had an excerpt from her book and it jumped out at me. I in no way say I agree with her politically, but I think the quote sums up exactly why losing my house has been especially hard on me. “When I see John, I don’t just see the today that others’ see. I see all the memories….We have raised four children and buried one. So when I close the door on the John of today, I also had to say good-bye to that sweet man whom I had loved for so long. It was not as easy as it might have seemed to anyone looking in from the outside, who knew only the John of today. And I have to wonder if he is sad, too, when he thinks of that young man.” Rodney and I had twelve years together, most of which were not that bad. I was forced to make a new life for myself, and while I love this new life, and I really do believe it is better than the life I had before, it is still a loss that must be grieved. I was in such a state of survival for so long, I do not know how much I fully allowed myself to grieve . Loosing this house has forced me to do this. Paul has been so loving and patient. I am sure it has not been easy for him. But he has held me and let my cry and cry.
As I was cleaning out the attic, I came upon things that used to be Rodney’s. While it was so tempting to just throw it all away, I knew the right thing to do was to offer it to him. That Saturday afternoon was one of the best days of healing for me ever. Things with him have been pretty civil for a bit now, but the conversation that came forth that day, put so much to rest. I will keep the details of that conversation between him and I, but this process has reminded me yet again that we must go through the fire to be purified and come out as gold.
I entitled this post “the bridge” for a specific reason. As Paul and I were in the thick of trying to find a house big enough to accommodate our large family, Dad and Mom LaFlamme told us they wanted to talk to us. I never saw what was coming!!! Dad presented to us the option of them buying a new house and us renting their current house. Now, keep in mind this is the house that they have owned for 30 years, and everyone grew up in. My first thought was that it would never work. It would be too awkward. But as prospect after prospect fell through, and money was as tight as it could get, both Paul and I began to see it as a viable option. In another conversation I had with mom, I was relating to her the feelings of failure and that we are taking a step backward by needing to rent a house for a while instead of buying. She told me to look at this time not as a step back but as a bridge. WOW!!! That hit me hard, and the more I thought on it, the more I knew she was right. Even though Paul and I have been married nearly two years, living in the same house as Rodney and I did was in some ways still hanging on to the past. Living in Mom and Dad’s house is the transition time we need to get into our place.
I do so strongly dislike waiting!!!! We plan to be at Mom and Dad’s not more than two or three years at the latest. But, we all know what the economy is like, and it pretty difficult to get a loan these days. Right now, it is hard for me to see that I could ever consider this house “mine.” I see us as borrowing it to help us get through. I will forever be indebted to these two wonderful people who have adopted me as their own, and so lovingly cared for their grandchildren. I can not say enough about them. They have helped me in far more ways than I could ever put into words. They are giving me practically a blank check when it comes to decorating the house. I can repaint anything I want, and they are even letting us install my dishwasher in the kitchen!!! (Mom, I don’t know how you lived without one for 30 years!!) They are offering us a safe place that is big enough for our family of seven to spread out in!!! The kids are excited to be moving to somewhere so familiar. They know the neighborhood very well, and some very good friends of ours live just three houses down!!!!
I have been reminded many times through these last few months of my favorite verse in Scripture: I Cor. 10 :13. “There hath no temptation (trial) taken you but such as is common to man. But God is faithful, and he will not tempt you beyond that which you are able. But will with the temptation also make a way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”
There was also this over-whelming sense of failure. I had fought so hard to keep the kids in their home, and now it wasn’t working. I was not being able to provide for my kids. But again, I had to be reminded by those close to me, that I was forced into this position. It wasn’t supposed to be that I was caring for these children alone or that Paul was to fix all the errors of the past. Some things just can’t be fixed. It wasn’t my burden of failure to bear. It took me a long while to fully understand that. And, amazingly enough, when I finally surrendered and told the kids we would be moving, they took it pretty well!!! I was amazed at how they do not really need the house to be “home.” They taught me how much home is were your loved ones are. It doesn’t matter what walls we live in, just that we are together. I know I will need to be reminded of this again when in a few weeks I see my empty house.
Another aspect of this loss is the memories that it drudged up. When it became appearant that he was really not coming back, I packed up many things and just put the boxes up in the attic. These boxes have not been touched since until earlier this summer when I began packing and cleaning. I had to go through these things and get rid of a lot. It reopened the whole thing for me. I relived the abandonment all over again. I happened to pick up a People magazine recently while waiting in the dr.’s office. I am sure most of you have heard some of the Elizabeth Edwards story. I have seen several interviews with her, and relate so much with her story. The magazine article had an excerpt from her book and it jumped out at me. I in no way say I agree with her politically, but I think the quote sums up exactly why losing my house has been especially hard on me. “When I see John, I don’t just see the today that others’ see. I see all the memories….We have raised four children and buried one. So when I close the door on the John of today, I also had to say good-bye to that sweet man whom I had loved for so long. It was not as easy as it might have seemed to anyone looking in from the outside, who knew only the John of today. And I have to wonder if he is sad, too, when he thinks of that young man.” Rodney and I had twelve years together, most of which were not that bad. I was forced to make a new life for myself, and while I love this new life, and I really do believe it is better than the life I had before, it is still a loss that must be grieved. I was in such a state of survival for so long, I do not know how much I fully allowed myself to grieve . Loosing this house has forced me to do this. Paul has been so loving and patient. I am sure it has not been easy for him. But he has held me and let my cry and cry.
As I was cleaning out the attic, I came upon things that used to be Rodney’s. While it was so tempting to just throw it all away, I knew the right thing to do was to offer it to him. That Saturday afternoon was one of the best days of healing for me ever. Things with him have been pretty civil for a bit now, but the conversation that came forth that day, put so much to rest. I will keep the details of that conversation between him and I, but this process has reminded me yet again that we must go through the fire to be purified and come out as gold.
I entitled this post “the bridge” for a specific reason. As Paul and I were in the thick of trying to find a house big enough to accommodate our large family, Dad and Mom LaFlamme told us they wanted to talk to us. I never saw what was coming!!! Dad presented to us the option of them buying a new house and us renting their current house. Now, keep in mind this is the house that they have owned for 30 years, and everyone grew up in. My first thought was that it would never work. It would be too awkward. But as prospect after prospect fell through, and money was as tight as it could get, both Paul and I began to see it as a viable option. In another conversation I had with mom, I was relating to her the feelings of failure and that we are taking a step backward by needing to rent a house for a while instead of buying. She told me to look at this time not as a step back but as a bridge. WOW!!! That hit me hard, and the more I thought on it, the more I knew she was right. Even though Paul and I have been married nearly two years, living in the same house as Rodney and I did was in some ways still hanging on to the past. Living in Mom and Dad’s house is the transition time we need to get into our place.
I do so strongly dislike waiting!!!! We plan to be at Mom and Dad’s not more than two or three years at the latest. But, we all know what the economy is like, and it pretty difficult to get a loan these days. Right now, it is hard for me to see that I could ever consider this house “mine.” I see us as borrowing it to help us get through. I will forever be indebted to these two wonderful people who have adopted me as their own, and so lovingly cared for their grandchildren. I can not say enough about them. They have helped me in far more ways than I could ever put into words. They are giving me practically a blank check when it comes to decorating the house. I can repaint anything I want, and they are even letting us install my dishwasher in the kitchen!!! (Mom, I don’t know how you lived without one for 30 years!!) They are offering us a safe place that is big enough for our family of seven to spread out in!!! The kids are excited to be moving to somewhere so familiar. They know the neighborhood very well, and some very good friends of ours live just three houses down!!!!
I have been reminded many times through these last few months of my favorite verse in Scripture: I Cor. 10 :13. “There hath no temptation (trial) taken you but such as is common to man. But God is faithful, and he will not tempt you beyond that which you are able. But will with the temptation also make a way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
What brought me to bankruptcy
This is the story of my journey to bankruptcy. I have had this one rolling in my head for months now, and just have not been able to get it written down. To tell this story, I must back up a bit. I am trying to be very delicate when I say this, as to not slander my ex-husband, but a few months prior to his leaving, he took out a second mortgage on our house. It was typical then, and so many people were doing it. It put the house upside down in equity, but it was so easy to get the loan, and the housing market was booming, and I think we foolishly thought it would continue that way. I blindly signed off on it, never thinking in just a few short months, I would be handling such debt on my own. When the divorce took place, he agreed to pay a little more than what the state required of him for child support in order to cover the two mortgages. That, combined with me working full time, was enough for me and the kids to live frugally, but comfortably. A little over a year after the divorce, he got fired from his good paying business job, and thus all but completely stopped paying child support. That moment is the beginning of my journey to bankruptcy.
Because of the house being upside down in equity, I was never able to refinance it to put it in my name only. All this time, I have been still tied to him through the house. I think we both have equally hated that fact, but it’s something neither of us can do anything about. By the time Paul and I got married, I was already falling behind on the mortgages. I was paying some, but not keeping up. I ended up taking my ex to court to get child support started again, but because he so dramatically changed his job situation, my child support dropped by $1,100 per month. The addition of Paul’s income helped, but when you factor in the expenses that he brought as well, it did not completely make up that difference. Paul and I have tried many things over the last year and a half to save our house. The loan modification process is a nightmare!!!!! They need every detail of your life written down, and then they ask for it again! You are a total peon that means nothing to the mortgage company. They hound you and hound you and then “lose” what you send them! We got far enough into things that we even paid for three months on a modification, only to find out paperwork had been misfiled, nullifying the whole thing. We set up a modification program with the second company based on the mod. with the first. That one was current up until the day I filed for bankruptcy! But at this same time, my ex filed bankruptcy, thus complicating my modification process. Everything was put on hold for many months until his stuff was settled. Almost as soon as it was, I started getting foreclosure notices. I attempted again to start the modification process, but it soon became apparent that things were not working out. I began to really consider bankruptcy as my last option. I began to surrender to the thought that we were going to have to move. Yes, in a bankruptcy you can restructure things to keep your house and car. But coupled with the housing market crash, I now owe $60,000 more than what the house is worth. Add to that the fact that we, as a growing family of 7, will very soon out grow the house, and Paul and I both know the best thing for us is to surrender the house. I will write more about that choice in my next post.
Because of the house being upside down in equity, I was never able to refinance it to put it in my name only. All this time, I have been still tied to him through the house. I think we both have equally hated that fact, but it’s something neither of us can do anything about. By the time Paul and I got married, I was already falling behind on the mortgages. I was paying some, but not keeping up. I ended up taking my ex to court to get child support started again, but because he so dramatically changed his job situation, my child support dropped by $1,100 per month. The addition of Paul’s income helped, but when you factor in the expenses that he brought as well, it did not completely make up that difference. Paul and I have tried many things over the last year and a half to save our house. The loan modification process is a nightmare!!!!! They need every detail of your life written down, and then they ask for it again! You are a total peon that means nothing to the mortgage company. They hound you and hound you and then “lose” what you send them! We got far enough into things that we even paid for three months on a modification, only to find out paperwork had been misfiled, nullifying the whole thing. We set up a modification program with the second company based on the mod. with the first. That one was current up until the day I filed for bankruptcy! But at this same time, my ex filed bankruptcy, thus complicating my modification process. Everything was put on hold for many months until his stuff was settled. Almost as soon as it was, I started getting foreclosure notices. I attempted again to start the modification process, but it soon became apparent that things were not working out. I began to really consider bankruptcy as my last option. I began to surrender to the thought that we were going to have to move. Yes, in a bankruptcy you can restructure things to keep your house and car. But coupled with the housing market crash, I now owe $60,000 more than what the house is worth. Add to that the fact that we, as a growing family of 7, will very soon out grow the house, and Paul and I both know the best thing for us is to surrender the house. I will write more about that choice in my next post.
33 Things I have learned since becoming a divorcee
I have modified this general blog (___ number of things I have learned about life) to be very specific to me. Since I am 33 this year, I will write about 33 things! I have a number of things rolling in my head, and I am interested to see what will unfold as I type. I imagine that most will be serious in nature, but do not be surprised if something totally funny and out of the blue comes falling out!
1. Life does not turn out the way you thought it would.
2. Sometimes that new life can be better than the life you dreamed of.
3. Conservative Christians generally have their head in the sand when it comes to divorce.
4. Divorce within the church is far more common than people like to admit.
5. Though one can have a house full of children, one can still feel very alone.
6. Being a single mom brought incredible challenges, but also equally satisfying conquests.
7. Sleep is very vital to a body’s existence.
8. A single mom is far more capable than many give them credit for.
9. Sometimes a single mom just needs a listening ear and a hug.
10. Children of divorce form an incredible, inseparable bond.
11. Starbucks makes the best Fraps.
12. A ten minute hydro massage goes far to energize a body.
13. Serving jar baby food to your baby instead of making it all from scratch does not qualify you as worst mom of the year.
14. In the eyes of a child, no one, and I mean no one, can ever take the place of a dedicated mom.
15. The term “mom” really is just a title. It is the emotions and feelings behind who you are calling that title to that is important.
16. Netflix is a sanity keeper sent from heaven itself.
17. Add any form of chocolate to that list as well!!!
18. Although sleep is vital, a single mom is able to go days before she realizes she is really tired-- and then she goes for hours more to make sure the kids are all tucked in before she crashes!
19. A single mom can sleep at any time, anywhere, and still know the exact movements of her children!
20. While a single mom can prove that she can do it all, she really may not want to, and longs to just turn it all over to a capable man.
21. There really IS a man out there who would take on four small children that are not his own, but love them like they are.
22. How did I get so lucky as to find him?
23. Marriage is truly wonderful when your husband puts your needs above his own.
24. Serving frozen meal in a bag suppers save your sanity when you hate to cook and are exhausted as well.
25. McD’s once a week with a friend while the kids play in the play land is so refreshing.
26. Someone finds me breath-takingly beautiful, despite what I think of myself.
27. The bedroom is a sacred and beautiful place when both spouses treat it as such.
28. “Stolen moments” are the best ones!
29. A husband that can cook a fabulous breakfast and Italian suppers is a true keeper.
30. Jet Fuel is a type of coffee.
31. Italian sweet crème makes any hot drink better--except lemon zinger tea-- it curdles like cottage cheese!
32. If you thought dating as a teenager is hard, try being an adult under the watchful eye of your pastor.
…And last but not least…
33. If Paul ever dares to hurt me, there is a line a mile long waiting to go after him (and many have told him so)!!!
1. Life does not turn out the way you thought it would.
2. Sometimes that new life can be better than the life you dreamed of.
3. Conservative Christians generally have their head in the sand when it comes to divorce.
4. Divorce within the church is far more common than people like to admit.
5. Though one can have a house full of children, one can still feel very alone.
6. Being a single mom brought incredible challenges, but also equally satisfying conquests.
7. Sleep is very vital to a body’s existence.
8. A single mom is far more capable than many give them credit for.
9. Sometimes a single mom just needs a listening ear and a hug.
10. Children of divorce form an incredible, inseparable bond.
11. Starbucks makes the best Fraps.
12. A ten minute hydro massage goes far to energize a body.
13. Serving jar baby food to your baby instead of making it all from scratch does not qualify you as worst mom of the year.
14. In the eyes of a child, no one, and I mean no one, can ever take the place of a dedicated mom.
15. The term “mom” really is just a title. It is the emotions and feelings behind who you are calling that title to that is important.
16. Netflix is a sanity keeper sent from heaven itself.
17. Add any form of chocolate to that list as well!!!
18. Although sleep is vital, a single mom is able to go days before she realizes she is really tired-- and then she goes for hours more to make sure the kids are all tucked in before she crashes!
19. A single mom can sleep at any time, anywhere, and still know the exact movements of her children!
20. While a single mom can prove that she can do it all, she really may not want to, and longs to just turn it all over to a capable man.
21. There really IS a man out there who would take on four small children that are not his own, but love them like they are.
22. How did I get so lucky as to find him?
23. Marriage is truly wonderful when your husband puts your needs above his own.
24. Serving frozen meal in a bag suppers save your sanity when you hate to cook and are exhausted as well.
25. McD’s once a week with a friend while the kids play in the play land is so refreshing.
26. Someone finds me breath-takingly beautiful, despite what I think of myself.
27. The bedroom is a sacred and beautiful place when both spouses treat it as such.
28. “Stolen moments” are the best ones!
29. A husband that can cook a fabulous breakfast and Italian suppers is a true keeper.
30. Jet Fuel is a type of coffee.
31. Italian sweet crème makes any hot drink better--except lemon zinger tea-- it curdles like cottage cheese!
32. If you thought dating as a teenager is hard, try being an adult under the watchful eye of your pastor.
…And last but not least…
33. If Paul ever dares to hurt me, there is a line a mile long waiting to go after him (and many have told him so)!!!
Re-entering Blogland
It has been many months since I have blogged. I have missed it on some levels, but on others, my past writings fulfilled a need that has now gone away. It does often occur to me though, that I would love to blog on a certain event of my life. I enjoy writing, though I have very little creativity, so my writing are really limited to my personal experience! I find myself this week in the unusual circumstance of having much free time. I am currently on a business trip with my husband in Las Vegas. While he is in seminars, I have no commitments! As I am not a person to venture into unknown places alone, I fully intend to sit by the pool and get some color in this very white skin! I have come armed with a few good books and my laptop. So sit back and enjoy catching up in the mind of this formerly single mom.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Mt. Washington Resort
As promised, I am recapping Paul and my trip to the Mt. Washington Resort. This was a business trip for Paul, but I got to come along. The best part is that it just so happened to fall on our first anniversary. I took over 60 pics, but I will only share a few here. Maybe someday I will learn to do one of those cool slide shows!
We arrived at the resort on Sun. afternoon. We had the day to unpack and explore before dinner at 7 PM. Monday AM consisted of a couple of seminars that I also got to attend. Monday PM was our "spoiling" time with Paul playing a round of golf on a top class course, and I spend a couple of hours in the spa area with a massage and royal treatment. Monday night we had a formal dinner that lasted over two hours! Tuesday is when I really saw my husband in "work mode." He was really wheeling and dealing to get the best prices and foods for our residents! I also tasted more food than I ever thought possible to consume. Literally hundreds of vendors lined every possible space and all begged you to try "just a bit" of their stuff. I literally said to Paul as we were leaving "just roll me out of here please!"
Overall, it was a fabulous time and a well needed break from the hustle and bustle of kids and life. We really had some great time together as a couple as well.
The pics all posted backward in chronological order, so here is Paul and I on Tues. night formal dinner. Taken on one of the many balconies.
Paul's assistant, Chris and his wife, Bobbi-Jo and I at the dinner Mon. night
The back of the resort. This picture really does not give justice to the beauty of the place.
This was as best as I could fit the whole place in one shot. As you can see, the resort is HUGE! I took this picture standing on a beautiful little bridge over looking a stream that runs through the resort.
They have a heated year-round outdoor pool! It is a bit of a walk from the main exit, so the sidewalk is heated!!! I still don't think you would get me out there in the middle of winter!
A view from one of the balconies. The golf course is in the foreground. Yes, the mountains are snow capped. When we woke Monday, it was a bright sunny day but only 22 degrees! It did warm up into the 40s, but still a bit chilly for golf!
When we arrived on Sunday, it was raining. A couple of hours later, the rain cleared and we enjoyed the most beautiful sunset-- for just a few minutes. It was dark with in ten minutes of this picture!
A view of our dining room.
The resort was built in 1902, and they have kept much of the original decor. This is really the elevator that we used. We had an operator that Paul nicknamed "Lerch." He really looked like he was straight out of the Adams Family!!!
Our room. We had just a basic room with no fireplace or jacuzzi-- still a whopping $446 per night!! Good thing we were not paying for it!
The biggest bed we have ever slept in!
We arrived at the resort on Sun. afternoon. We had the day to unpack and explore before dinner at 7 PM. Monday AM consisted of a couple of seminars that I also got to attend. Monday PM was our "spoiling" time with Paul playing a round of golf on a top class course, and I spend a couple of hours in the spa area with a massage and royal treatment. Monday night we had a formal dinner that lasted over two hours! Tuesday is when I really saw my husband in "work mode." He was really wheeling and dealing to get the best prices and foods for our residents! I also tasted more food than I ever thought possible to consume. Literally hundreds of vendors lined every possible space and all begged you to try "just a bit" of their stuff. I literally said to Paul as we were leaving "just roll me out of here please!"
Overall, it was a fabulous time and a well needed break from the hustle and bustle of kids and life. We really had some great time together as a couple as well.
The pics all posted backward in chronological order, so here is Paul and I on Tues. night formal dinner. Taken on one of the many balconies.
Paul's assistant, Chris and his wife, Bobbi-Jo and I at the dinner Mon. night
The back of the resort. This picture really does not give justice to the beauty of the place.
This was as best as I could fit the whole place in one shot. As you can see, the resort is HUGE! I took this picture standing on a beautiful little bridge over looking a stream that runs through the resort.
They have a heated year-round outdoor pool! It is a bit of a walk from the main exit, so the sidewalk is heated!!! I still don't think you would get me out there in the middle of winter!
A view from one of the balconies. The golf course is in the foreground. Yes, the mountains are snow capped. When we woke Monday, it was a bright sunny day but only 22 degrees! It did warm up into the 40s, but still a bit chilly for golf!
When we arrived on Sunday, it was raining. A couple of hours later, the rain cleared and we enjoyed the most beautiful sunset-- for just a few minutes. It was dark with in ten minutes of this picture!
A view of our dining room.
The resort was built in 1902, and they have kept much of the original decor. This is really the elevator that we used. We had an operator that Paul nicknamed "Lerch." He really looked like he was straight out of the Adams Family!!!
Our room. We had just a basic room with no fireplace or jacuzzi-- still a whopping $446 per night!! Good thing we were not paying for it!
The biggest bed we have ever slept in!
Monday, October 26, 2009
So many things to write about...
Life is sooooooo full right now and so much has happened!!! Forgive me, I do believe this will be a long post!
I think I will start with the most recent and work back, since that seems to be the order of importance. My heart is full of sadness and joy at the passing of a beloved woman in our church. Helen was an older woman, but in seemingly good health. We arrived at church yesterday morning to the news of her sudden passing Sat. night. She was our flower lady and garden guru. I called her many times to talk garden stuff, and she made the flower arrangements for my wedding last year. What a fun afternoon we had that day! Since the flower arrangement for yesterday was all made up and ready to go, Helen's daughter, who does not attend our church, made sure that it was there for services. Helen would not want us to make such a fuss over her, but she will be greatly missed. And since we know she is with Jesus, my tears are really quite selfish, huh?!
We had a big court day on Friday for Paul. He has been battling his ex on some issues for about five months now, and it finally seems to be over. There still may be one more hearing on some contempt charges against her, but she has resolved the issues, so they may be dropped. As with all things relating to ex spouses, you win some and you lose some. The biggest things we won are in the non- tangible department. Paul's ex-wife has bullied him for many years. That power is no longer there. She was explicitly put in her place by the GAL (guardian at lit em). This was a big victory for us since the GAL's initial report was very biased against Paul and our faith. We were heading down a road that was going to put our faith on trial-- a road we so desperately did not wish to travel. We just wanted equal time with Gage-- something Paul had until we got married last year. The ex wife was painting us as religious nuts who do not really live normal lives. Paul had to see a "non-biased" counselor. (Our pastor,who holds a doctorate in theology and has been counseling people for over 20 years , didn't count as he is not really a "trained" professional!!!) The counselor's question to Paul was "why are you here ?" So once the GAL was satisfied that we were not total nut cases and that Paul lives a very stable life, she relaxed he views a lot and on Friday, looked strait at Gage's mom and said, "Paul is a very loving father who is doing his best at being a good father. Gage wants to be with his father, and Paul has every right to be in Gage's life just as much as you do, and is an equal to you." This was so big for us, as the mom had tried to tell Paul that he has no legal rights to Gage at all. We knew that was not true, but it was great to have the GAL back us up!
In addition to this, we won in areas of getting Gage for all three of the family camping trips that we do with the church through the year. We also got the tax exemption every other year. (yes, Paul has been paying child support for the last five years and never received any tax benefit for it!) Gage also gets to go to the summer camp, the Wilds of New England. She fought this since it is Christian in nature. But after the GAL questioned about what kind of fun things do they do there, everyone agreed it is good! We also won on getting Gage put on Paul's insurance. This may seem like a downer, but for us, it doesn't cost anything more to add one more kid, and it insures us that we will not get stuck with any more uninsured medical bills -- long story behind that one! She fought this one like crazy, not really sure why other than she just didn't want to give up the control.
We lost on the child support issue. We were hoping to get it reduced, since we have Gage almost just as much time as she does and we provide just as much for him as she does. The judge ruled against that, most likely since she makes much less money than Paul does. We also lost on the equal time thing. We currently have Gage two days one week and four days the next week. We wanted to even it out to three days, and four days. The judge said for the sake of the child, the schedule needs to remain unchanged, but that we do have joint custody and all equal rights.
What a relief to have this done! Since Paul and I have been married, we have been in battles first with my ex and then with his. We are praying that we can now have a bit of peace. Things seem ok with my side for now, so looks good! God is good, and so many things have been laid to rest. We have been made stronger through these trials, and what is probably bigger, our love for each other has grown stronger through them!
So I still have not gotten to the blow-by-blow detail of our trip to the Mt Washington Resort, but that will have to be at a later time. I have laundry waiting!!!
I think I will start with the most recent and work back, since that seems to be the order of importance. My heart is full of sadness and joy at the passing of a beloved woman in our church. Helen was an older woman, but in seemingly good health. We arrived at church yesterday morning to the news of her sudden passing Sat. night. She was our flower lady and garden guru. I called her many times to talk garden stuff, and she made the flower arrangements for my wedding last year. What a fun afternoon we had that day! Since the flower arrangement for yesterday was all made up and ready to go, Helen's daughter, who does not attend our church, made sure that it was there for services. Helen would not want us to make such a fuss over her, but she will be greatly missed. And since we know she is with Jesus, my tears are really quite selfish, huh?!
We had a big court day on Friday for Paul. He has been battling his ex on some issues for about five months now, and it finally seems to be over. There still may be one more hearing on some contempt charges against her, but she has resolved the issues, so they may be dropped. As with all things relating to ex spouses, you win some and you lose some. The biggest things we won are in the non- tangible department. Paul's ex-wife has bullied him for many years. That power is no longer there. She was explicitly put in her place by the GAL (guardian at lit em). This was a big victory for us since the GAL's initial report was very biased against Paul and our faith. We were heading down a road that was going to put our faith on trial-- a road we so desperately did not wish to travel. We just wanted equal time with Gage-- something Paul had until we got married last year. The ex wife was painting us as religious nuts who do not really live normal lives. Paul had to see a "non-biased" counselor. (Our pastor,who holds a doctorate in theology and has been counseling people for over 20 years , didn't count as he is not really a "trained" professional!!!) The counselor's question to Paul was "why are you here ?" So once the GAL was satisfied that we were not total nut cases and that Paul lives a very stable life, she relaxed he views a lot and on Friday, looked strait at Gage's mom and said, "Paul is a very loving father who is doing his best at being a good father. Gage wants to be with his father, and Paul has every right to be in Gage's life just as much as you do, and is an equal to you." This was so big for us, as the mom had tried to tell Paul that he has no legal rights to Gage at all. We knew that was not true, but it was great to have the GAL back us up!
In addition to this, we won in areas of getting Gage for all three of the family camping trips that we do with the church through the year. We also got the tax exemption every other year. (yes, Paul has been paying child support for the last five years and never received any tax benefit for it!) Gage also gets to go to the summer camp, the Wilds of New England. She fought this since it is Christian in nature. But after the GAL questioned about what kind of fun things do they do there, everyone agreed it is good! We also won on getting Gage put on Paul's insurance. This may seem like a downer, but for us, it doesn't cost anything more to add one more kid, and it insures us that we will not get stuck with any more uninsured medical bills -- long story behind that one! She fought this one like crazy, not really sure why other than she just didn't want to give up the control.
We lost on the child support issue. We were hoping to get it reduced, since we have Gage almost just as much time as she does and we provide just as much for him as she does. The judge ruled against that, most likely since she makes much less money than Paul does. We also lost on the equal time thing. We currently have Gage two days one week and four days the next week. We wanted to even it out to three days, and four days. The judge said for the sake of the child, the schedule needs to remain unchanged, but that we do have joint custody and all equal rights.
What a relief to have this done! Since Paul and I have been married, we have been in battles first with my ex and then with his. We are praying that we can now have a bit of peace. Things seem ok with my side for now, so looks good! God is good, and so many things have been laid to rest. We have been made stronger through these trials, and what is probably bigger, our love for each other has grown stronger through them!
So I still have not gotten to the blow-by-blow detail of our trip to the Mt Washington Resort, but that will have to be at a later time. I have laundry waiting!!!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Is he kind?
I visited yesterday for a bit with a cousin (technically, one of the ex's cousins, but we all know my relationship with his family!) She was visiting from Chicago, and it had been quite some time since I had seen her. We got talking about my marriage to Paul. As I have thought about her words, it made me realize they were "blog-worthy"!!
She asked me, "Just one question-- is he kind to you?" My instant response was "Yes!" and I gave her several examples that popped into my head. As I have thought about it some this morning, I have realized just how much Paul really is just what I have needed. This cousin knew the man that my ex had become. She understood how I was treated, and was afraid I might choose that same thing again.
But as my first anniversary is only just a few weeks away, I can reflect back on our first year together. Just as any newly married couple, we have had many adjustments to make. We have had some additional challenges that come with being a blended family. But through any disagreements we may have had, the one thing that I could very resoundly say is that Paul has never been unkind to me. He can be stubborn and insensitive at times, (let's be honest ladies, is there any of you out there who can't say that about your man?!) but he is never unkind. Paul has never called me a derogatory name or made fun of me at all. He has never raised his voice at me or embarrassed me in any way.
Quite the opposite. He listens to what I have to say, really listens. He has carried me through sickness, and court battles, financial struggles, and child rearing trials. We are far from perfect, but have a good life. He cares for my children just like they were his own. He tucks them into bed and prays with each one every night. I love that I can roll over in the early morning hours and find my husband sitting in the recliner with his coffee in one hand and his Bible on his lap. I love it that he intentionally finishes with enough time to spare to come back and curl up with me for a few minutes before we have to start our rat race of a day. Then he takes a few minutes and prays with me. I can not tell you how special these few minutes each day have become to me. I told him this just recently. I told him that it reassures me that he is constantly choosing me. He knows my flaws and chooses to love me anyway.
Well, so I guess I wrote my anniversary post a bit early, but that's ok! I will have plenty to share then-- we just so happen to get to spend our first anniversary at probably the most prestigious resort in New Hampshire-- all completely paid for because it is also a business trip. I will have to post pics and tell all about it!
She asked me, "Just one question-- is he kind to you?" My instant response was "Yes!" and I gave her several examples that popped into my head. As I have thought about it some this morning, I have realized just how much Paul really is just what I have needed. This cousin knew the man that my ex had become. She understood how I was treated, and was afraid I might choose that same thing again.
But as my first anniversary is only just a few weeks away, I can reflect back on our first year together. Just as any newly married couple, we have had many adjustments to make. We have had some additional challenges that come with being a blended family. But through any disagreements we may have had, the one thing that I could very resoundly say is that Paul has never been unkind to me. He can be stubborn and insensitive at times, (let's be honest ladies, is there any of you out there who can't say that about your man?!) but he is never unkind. Paul has never called me a derogatory name or made fun of me at all. He has never raised his voice at me or embarrassed me in any way.
Quite the opposite. He listens to what I have to say, really listens. He has carried me through sickness, and court battles, financial struggles, and child rearing trials. We are far from perfect, but have a good life. He cares for my children just like they were his own. He tucks them into bed and prays with each one every night. I love that I can roll over in the early morning hours and find my husband sitting in the recliner with his coffee in one hand and his Bible on his lap. I love it that he intentionally finishes with enough time to spare to come back and curl up with me for a few minutes before we have to start our rat race of a day. Then he takes a few minutes and prays with me. I can not tell you how special these few minutes each day have become to me. I told him this just recently. I told him that it reassures me that he is constantly choosing me. He knows my flaws and chooses to love me anyway.
Well, so I guess I wrote my anniversary post a bit early, but that's ok! I will have plenty to share then-- we just so happen to get to spend our first anniversary at probably the most prestigious resort in New Hampshire-- all completely paid for because it is also a business trip. I will have to post pics and tell all about it!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
When Saten tempts me to despair....
I know.... it has been forever since I have blogged and most of you will probably think that I have given up on it! I really haven't-- life is just so busy that when I do actually have free time, I am just too tired to really think, and well, a blog like this takes thinking!!!
With school starting next week and the summer quickly drawing to a close, I step back and realize that it has been a difficult summer on some levels. Paul and I are doing great-- growing more in love every day. But my dad got sick right as school was ending. (BTW, he is doing remarkably well considering the level of stroke he had!) There has been multiple battles with both exes through the summer, but mainly with Paul's ex. Pray for us this week as he goes to court on Wed. I have learned all about the GAL (having a guardian at lit em) process. We have learned to take meticulous notes about the smallest of conversations. There is also the ongoing battle relating to the settling of Paul's father's estate. (You might remember that his dad died a year ago this month). We have learned much about the world of probate. Pray for this as well for Paul has a court hearing next week that will hopefully draw that to a close.
Probably my biggest trial of the summer has been with my stepson. He has struggled to find his place in our new family. So many people told me when I got remarried, I gained a new son. I began trying to retrain myself to think and talk of five children, not four. I tried my hardest to treat him just as I do my own children. But instead of my relationship with him growing closer, it is doing just the opposite. There are so many factors that contribute to this and I will not get into details here. But he is struggling. There is much upheaval in his life, and he is showing a lot of anger, and I get to be the lucky target the anger lands on!!! This week, he told said some things to his mom about me, to which she in turn called Paul fuming. These things stung me to the core. I struggled through it. I wanted to hate this kid right back. I wanted to reject him the same way he was rejecting me. But I knew I could not do that. I care, yes love, this little boy too much. He is the flesh and blood of the man I love. And ultimately, isn't Christ our example? Doesn't he love us still even when we do not love Him back?
This struggle, coupled together with multiple other events of the summer has left me feeling very much like a failure of a mom. I have battled this ever since I entered motherhood. I gain victory over it for a time, and then fall.... I have spent the better part of the summer beating myself up mentally for my shortcomings as a mom. Unfortunately, my down times manifest itself in a very defensive manner. A recent situation caused my pastor to lovingly pull me aside and chide me for it. Naturally, being the sensitive person that I am, I fell apart. I made things right with the person that I needed to, but continued to berate myself for days after.
My title for this blog is actually a line from a song. Our church choir has been practicing a song for many months for our big anniversary day. Today was finally the big day and we sung it well. The song is "Before the Throne of God Above." I had sung the song so many times, the words just flowed from me with out much thought. But when Pastor asked us to all sing it as a congregation, I had only the words printed on a paper in front of me. It was the second verse that almost jumped off the page and bit me!
"When Satan tempts me to despair, and tells me of the guilt within. Upward I look and see Him there-- who made an end to all my sin."
It was all I could do to keep my composure. Despair. That is where I have been the last couple of days. I have allowed my failings to beat me down and then it crushed me. You know how you can read something a hundred times without it really meaning anything, and then one day you read it and it is like a light bulb goes on? That happened for me today! Those closest to me keep reassuring me I am a very good and capable mom, and I know this logically in my head. But I can magnify the smallest failure and before I know it, I am the worst mom that has ever lived!
This is Satan at work on me. I have sung that song probably hundreds of times, but never fully got the "upward I look and see Him there--who made an end to all my sin!"
As the choir made our way back to our seats with the congregation singing our church favorite "Wonderful Grace of Jesus" I silently prayed for forgiveness for allowing Satan to tempt me in this way. I allowed my joy to be robbed for the last couple of days. I cried and beat myself to a pulp for my short comings when Christ has already forgiven them. I just had to look up!!
Being defensive will probably be a life long battle of mine. I will gain victory again, and I am sure I will fail again. But instead of staying down, I hope next time, I will remember this wonderful song, and not allow Satan to have my joy.
With school starting next week and the summer quickly drawing to a close, I step back and realize that it has been a difficult summer on some levels. Paul and I are doing great-- growing more in love every day. But my dad got sick right as school was ending. (BTW, he is doing remarkably well considering the level of stroke he had!) There has been multiple battles with both exes through the summer, but mainly with Paul's ex. Pray for us this week as he goes to court on Wed. I have learned all about the GAL (having a guardian at lit em) process. We have learned to take meticulous notes about the smallest of conversations. There is also the ongoing battle relating to the settling of Paul's father's estate. (You might remember that his dad died a year ago this month). We have learned much about the world of probate. Pray for this as well for Paul has a court hearing next week that will hopefully draw that to a close.
Probably my biggest trial of the summer has been with my stepson. He has struggled to find his place in our new family. So many people told me when I got remarried, I gained a new son. I began trying to retrain myself to think and talk of five children, not four. I tried my hardest to treat him just as I do my own children. But instead of my relationship with him growing closer, it is doing just the opposite. There are so many factors that contribute to this and I will not get into details here. But he is struggling. There is much upheaval in his life, and he is showing a lot of anger, and I get to be the lucky target the anger lands on!!! This week, he told said some things to his mom about me, to which she in turn called Paul fuming. These things stung me to the core. I struggled through it. I wanted to hate this kid right back. I wanted to reject him the same way he was rejecting me. But I knew I could not do that. I care, yes love, this little boy too much. He is the flesh and blood of the man I love. And ultimately, isn't Christ our example? Doesn't he love us still even when we do not love Him back?
This struggle, coupled together with multiple other events of the summer has left me feeling very much like a failure of a mom. I have battled this ever since I entered motherhood. I gain victory over it for a time, and then fall.... I have spent the better part of the summer beating myself up mentally for my shortcomings as a mom. Unfortunately, my down times manifest itself in a very defensive manner. A recent situation caused my pastor to lovingly pull me aside and chide me for it. Naturally, being the sensitive person that I am, I fell apart. I made things right with the person that I needed to, but continued to berate myself for days after.
My title for this blog is actually a line from a song. Our church choir has been practicing a song for many months for our big anniversary day. Today was finally the big day and we sung it well. The song is "Before the Throne of God Above." I had sung the song so many times, the words just flowed from me with out much thought. But when Pastor asked us to all sing it as a congregation, I had only the words printed on a paper in front of me. It was the second verse that almost jumped off the page and bit me!
"When Satan tempts me to despair, and tells me of the guilt within. Upward I look and see Him there-- who made an end to all my sin."
It was all I could do to keep my composure. Despair. That is where I have been the last couple of days. I have allowed my failings to beat me down and then it crushed me. You know how you can read something a hundred times without it really meaning anything, and then one day you read it and it is like a light bulb goes on? That happened for me today! Those closest to me keep reassuring me I am a very good and capable mom, and I know this logically in my head. But I can magnify the smallest failure and before I know it, I am the worst mom that has ever lived!
This is Satan at work on me. I have sung that song probably hundreds of times, but never fully got the "upward I look and see Him there--who made an end to all my sin!"
As the choir made our way back to our seats with the congregation singing our church favorite "Wonderful Grace of Jesus" I silently prayed for forgiveness for allowing Satan to tempt me in this way. I allowed my joy to be robbed for the last couple of days. I cried and beat myself to a pulp for my short comings when Christ has already forgiven them. I just had to look up!!
Being defensive will probably be a life long battle of mine. I will gain victory again, and I am sure I will fail again. But instead of staying down, I hope next time, I will remember this wonderful song, and not allow Satan to have my joy.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Healing tears
It has been a LONG week! Last sun. night I received the news that my father had suffered a stroke and was not doing well. Things like this never hit a a good time, but this week seemed to be the worst! It was the last week of school (with all the hecticness that comes along with that), Bryce graduated from his "talking school," Kristen got her cast off...
I felt the real sense of urgency that I needed to see my father. I have no real relationship with this man. The last time I saw him was four years ago. We talk maybe once a year and I send him cards at Father's Day and Christmas. But at the end of the day, no matter what he has done with his life, he is still my dad and I love him.
I have known my dad was failing in health for a while now. He has had several other mini strokes over the last couple of years. Paul and I have planned financially for just this sort of thing. So we searched for the best flights that we could get and tried to flip our schedules around to go to Illinois for a couple of days.
Both my aunt and my sister had told me dad looked bad. In addition to the stroke, he had also had surgery the week before to remove some cancer in his mouth. They had to remove part of his tongue and the lymph nodes in his neck. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I entered Dad's room Tues. morning. He barely looked like the dad I remember. I will spare the details of the physical issues, but the next biggest thing that shocked me was the lack of life in him. I remember dad's hair always being very shiny and his eyes clear. The man that lay before me was dull, and at first glance I thought dad had cataracts because his eyes seemed very cloudy.
We stayed with Dad for several hours that day. I had brought along pictures of the kids and my wedding album. He said he really didn't feel like looking at pictures. I think he may have felt bad about that because a few minutes later he told me how he has all the pictures that I send him on the wall in his living room.
I am a nurse aide by profession. I deal with stroke victims every day. We are trained to be compassionate as the person you are caring for is some one's dad, mom, sister, brother, etc. But this is different. Now it's my dad. I assisted the nurse in boosting my dad up in bed since he could not do it himself. I propped up his back with a pillow. I swabbed his mouth with water because he was so dry from not being able to take any food in through the mouth. I sat watching the neurologist testing dad's arm strength and asking him to try to lift his leg. I knew what he was testing for. I know what road lies ahead for my dad. I also know that it takes a lot of mind power to rehab yourself after a stroke. "You gotta have the want to." We don't see that in dad. He does not seem to care. But he really wants to go home! So, maybe... for now, he has been transferred to a rehab facility. We got one little laugh out of him as we were all saying goodbye. My aunt really has quite a sense of humor and she said to him, "Now, try to stay on THIS side of the grass, would ya?"!! He chuckled and said "yea, I ain't ready for that."
Paul and I visited with my mom, sister, and aunt through the evening. It was a good visit. We popped back in on Dad Wed. morning for a while before heading back on the plane. Dad looked much better, his eyes were clearer and his speech better, although he said he did not feel any better. I gave him a big card and balloons and a Bonsai plant for Father's Day. I hugged him and told him I loved him and that I pray for him. This will probably be the last time I see him...
The trip back was long and full of delays. We got back at about 2 AM Thurs. morning and jumped right back into life here. Paul was back to work bright and early, Kristen got her cast off at 8:30 AM, half day of school for Tyler, picking the other kids back up from their dad's, laundry... No time to blink!
Fri. came with more end of school stuff and a HUGE fight with the ex about stuff that the kids went through while I was gone. Again, sparing details, just a gut-wrenching heartache. We have a mediation appt. this week to try to work some stuff out.
I did entitle this post "healing tears" for a reason! Almost right after I walked into dad's room, I whispered to Paul "when I walk out of here, I am going to loose it." Those tears never really came. I cried briefly Wed. morning when Paul and I were praying together, but not much. When we got home, there was so much to do, I really did not have time to grieve. Then so much turmoil with the ex. ...And I had to work last night!!! The tears started to flow when I called Paul on one of my breaks, but I had to very quickly get it back under control and go back to work. No real time for grieving there.
So, by this morning, I was physically and emotionally spent, hence my facebook entry of "weary, oh so weary." And yet, more trouble with the ex. He never called or showed up to take the kids for his visiting time... since Paul was working today, I called Mom and asked if she could take them while I got a few hours of sleep. The volcano of tears was so close to erupting as I handed the kids over to Mom and my sis in law. They poured out so much love on me with their kindness.
As I fell into bed, I turned on my trusty "meditation" cd from "Quieting a Noisy Soul." The first line of it says, "God is good, always. That means my soul can rest because I always know that God always has my best interests in mind." That was all that was needed for the floodgates to open. For the next few minutes, I cried--hard. I do not really remember thinking about anything, just needing to release the emotion. When the well was dry, an incredible peace flowed through me and I drifted off into zzzzz land for three blissful hours.
This week was tough. We all have them! But, as I have been reminded of my favorite verse yet again, God is faithful, and will not let me be tried beyond what I can bear. For all you "pray-ers" out there, please do remember us this week. The ex and the wife are really pushing buttons and are very antagonistic. Please pray for the kids. They are the ones who are really caught in this.
I felt the real sense of urgency that I needed to see my father. I have no real relationship with this man. The last time I saw him was four years ago. We talk maybe once a year and I send him cards at Father's Day and Christmas. But at the end of the day, no matter what he has done with his life, he is still my dad and I love him.
I have known my dad was failing in health for a while now. He has had several other mini strokes over the last couple of years. Paul and I have planned financially for just this sort of thing. So we searched for the best flights that we could get and tried to flip our schedules around to go to Illinois for a couple of days.
Both my aunt and my sister had told me dad looked bad. In addition to the stroke, he had also had surgery the week before to remove some cancer in his mouth. They had to remove part of his tongue and the lymph nodes in his neck. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I entered Dad's room Tues. morning. He barely looked like the dad I remember. I will spare the details of the physical issues, but the next biggest thing that shocked me was the lack of life in him. I remember dad's hair always being very shiny and his eyes clear. The man that lay before me was dull, and at first glance I thought dad had cataracts because his eyes seemed very cloudy.
We stayed with Dad for several hours that day. I had brought along pictures of the kids and my wedding album. He said he really didn't feel like looking at pictures. I think he may have felt bad about that because a few minutes later he told me how he has all the pictures that I send him on the wall in his living room.
I am a nurse aide by profession. I deal with stroke victims every day. We are trained to be compassionate as the person you are caring for is some one's dad, mom, sister, brother, etc. But this is different. Now it's my dad. I assisted the nurse in boosting my dad up in bed since he could not do it himself. I propped up his back with a pillow. I swabbed his mouth with water because he was so dry from not being able to take any food in through the mouth. I sat watching the neurologist testing dad's arm strength and asking him to try to lift his leg. I knew what he was testing for. I know what road lies ahead for my dad. I also know that it takes a lot of mind power to rehab yourself after a stroke. "You gotta have the want to." We don't see that in dad. He does not seem to care. But he really wants to go home! So, maybe... for now, he has been transferred to a rehab facility. We got one little laugh out of him as we were all saying goodbye. My aunt really has quite a sense of humor and she said to him, "Now, try to stay on THIS side of the grass, would ya?"!! He chuckled and said "yea, I ain't ready for that."
Paul and I visited with my mom, sister, and aunt through the evening. It was a good visit. We popped back in on Dad Wed. morning for a while before heading back on the plane. Dad looked much better, his eyes were clearer and his speech better, although he said he did not feel any better. I gave him a big card and balloons and a Bonsai plant for Father's Day. I hugged him and told him I loved him and that I pray for him. This will probably be the last time I see him...
The trip back was long and full of delays. We got back at about 2 AM Thurs. morning and jumped right back into life here. Paul was back to work bright and early, Kristen got her cast off at 8:30 AM, half day of school for Tyler, picking the other kids back up from their dad's, laundry... No time to blink!
Fri. came with more end of school stuff and a HUGE fight with the ex about stuff that the kids went through while I was gone. Again, sparing details, just a gut-wrenching heartache. We have a mediation appt. this week to try to work some stuff out.
I did entitle this post "healing tears" for a reason! Almost right after I walked into dad's room, I whispered to Paul "when I walk out of here, I am going to loose it." Those tears never really came. I cried briefly Wed. morning when Paul and I were praying together, but not much. When we got home, there was so much to do, I really did not have time to grieve. Then so much turmoil with the ex. ...And I had to work last night!!! The tears started to flow when I called Paul on one of my breaks, but I had to very quickly get it back under control and go back to work. No real time for grieving there.
So, by this morning, I was physically and emotionally spent, hence my facebook entry of "weary, oh so weary." And yet, more trouble with the ex. He never called or showed up to take the kids for his visiting time... since Paul was working today, I called Mom and asked if she could take them while I got a few hours of sleep. The volcano of tears was so close to erupting as I handed the kids over to Mom and my sis in law. They poured out so much love on me with their kindness.
As I fell into bed, I turned on my trusty "meditation" cd from "Quieting a Noisy Soul." The first line of it says, "God is good, always. That means my soul can rest because I always know that God always has my best interests in mind." That was all that was needed for the floodgates to open. For the next few minutes, I cried--hard. I do not really remember thinking about anything, just needing to release the emotion. When the well was dry, an incredible peace flowed through me and I drifted off into zzzzz land for three blissful hours.
This week was tough. We all have them! But, as I have been reminded of my favorite verse yet again, God is faithful, and will not let me be tried beyond what I can bear. For all you "pray-ers" out there, please do remember us this week. The ex and the wife are really pushing buttons and are very antagonistic. Please pray for the kids. They are the ones who are really caught in this.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
A hero of the faith
Have you ever been in a worship service where something other than the preaching has a profound impact on you? I did this morning. Not to say that our Pastor's sermon was not wonderful, because it was; but for me, and some others' judging from the amount of people wiping their eyes, we had one of those moments that we will remember for a long time to come.
Our pastor wears many hats on a Sunday: Sunday School teacher, song leader, announcements, etc. Often times, to break things up a bit, Pastor will call upon a man in the congregation to say the opening prayer. Today he called upon Dave B. Dave is about the age of my parents and is one of the tallest men I have ever met. I could easily walk under his outstretched arm. Dave is a strong man of the faith, one that we have told our children to watch and model his behavior in worship. In recent weeks, Dave has been missing a lot of services due to a bad back. He is in immense pain and has even been using a cane to walk. He entered Sunday school this morning almost right at the end, and with each step he took, you could see the pain written all over his face.
The morning service opened with a rousing rendition of "And Can it Be?" Pastor, as usual called upon someone to open in prayer. He called on Mr. B. As you find yourself doing if you go to church regularly, I immediately bowed my head and waited for the prayer to start. Seconds rolled on. Just when I was starting to think maybe he hadn't heard Pastor, he began in a choked-with-emotion voice: "Lord, thank you so much for allowing us the privilege of being here today...."
I was instantly choked with tears myself, as I thought of the effort and dedication it took for him to be in that pew today. I do not really remember much of the rest of the prayer, but when the "Amen" was spoken, I looked up to see several others wiping their eyes as well. His incredibly sincere love and desire to be in God's house was so evident through the tone of his prayer. What a great reminder to all of us who can so methodically get up on a Sunday morning and just get ready for church. May we never take for granted the privilege of worshiping in God's house.
Our pastor wears many hats on a Sunday: Sunday School teacher, song leader, announcements, etc. Often times, to break things up a bit, Pastor will call upon a man in the congregation to say the opening prayer. Today he called upon Dave B. Dave is about the age of my parents and is one of the tallest men I have ever met. I could easily walk under his outstretched arm. Dave is a strong man of the faith, one that we have told our children to watch and model his behavior in worship. In recent weeks, Dave has been missing a lot of services due to a bad back. He is in immense pain and has even been using a cane to walk. He entered Sunday school this morning almost right at the end, and with each step he took, you could see the pain written all over his face.
The morning service opened with a rousing rendition of "And Can it Be?" Pastor, as usual called upon someone to open in prayer. He called on Mr. B. As you find yourself doing if you go to church regularly, I immediately bowed my head and waited for the prayer to start. Seconds rolled on. Just when I was starting to think maybe he hadn't heard Pastor, he began in a choked-with-emotion voice: "Lord, thank you so much for allowing us the privilege of being here today...."
I was instantly choked with tears myself, as I thought of the effort and dedication it took for him to be in that pew today. I do not really remember much of the rest of the prayer, but when the "Amen" was spoken, I looked up to see several others wiping their eyes as well. His incredibly sincere love and desire to be in God's house was so evident through the tone of his prayer. What a great reminder to all of us who can so methodically get up on a Sunday morning and just get ready for church. May we never take for granted the privilege of worshiping in God's house.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Three weeks in the life of the LaRue/ LaFlammes
... Evening before Mother's Day... Had a blast at LaFlamme family Mother's Day cookout. Got stormed on big time- hail and all!! But such love and warmth from so many!
... Mother's Day morning... Papa somehow managed to keep all kids quite until a 7:30 wake up: all five kiddos surrounded my bed and screamed "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY" to wake me up. I got scarred out of my skin, but it was so precious. Each kid had a little something for me and then Paul wrapped it up with a beautiful flower bouquet in a Yankee Candle. He even made pancakes for everyone.
...Tyler sneaks a frog onto the bus to bring home from school. "Hoppy" became the main attraction for the next two days. Mom drew the line at allowing it into the house, but the kids set up a whole little "habitat" for it on the porch. Oh, how the tears flowed from poor Tyler when he awoke Sun. morning to find Hoppy belly up in his water. Paul took him out back and dug a hole under a tree where Ty lovingly buried him.
... Judson walks around the house for days saying "Hoppy dead. Hoppy dead." Tyler tears up just about every time.
... Judson gets his elbow dislocated while playing with kids at church. Trip to the ER. Three x-rays taken. I am told this is a very common injury amongst two-year-olds. We were shown how to pop it back in if it happens again-- really? Do you think this mom could just pop her own son's arm back into place?!!!
...I visit the dr. again. The swollen lymph node in my armpit has not gone away. (Relating back to my sickness of Jan. and Feb.) I have been referred to a surgeon for a biopsy. My consult is this week, but it sounds scarier than it is. Still no evidence to support cancer, they just need to find out why it is still inflamed. I will admit the prospects of a biopsy are not that inviting for me. Yea, a bit scary.
... Same night... Kristen falls off a playhouse while playing with kids at church. Arm still hurts the next morning, so off we go to the ER again. Three x-rays later, "yep, you broke your arm, Hunny." Mom learned a big lesson that day: the old saying "it's not broken as long as you can still move it" only works for fingers (as the nurse so politely informed me)!!
... The ex and I have a big fight about recent injuries.... that's all that needs to be said...
... we went to court with Paul's ex... many things discussed... a GAL (guardian at lit em) assigned... we are holding fast to God's promises and that "...the truth will set you free." Please pray with us over the next couple of months as things are being brought out, and that the blatant lies told will be all uncovered.
... We rejoice that God has provided so abundantly for our needs.
... Since my kids spent the night at their dad's and Paul had to return Gage to his mom at 7AM, we had five blissful hours the morning of Memorial Day to ourselves.... I'll just leave that one alone! We had a late breakfast and then got to work planting our garden...
... went with the kids on a field trip to a planetarium... great fun!!! Bryce later told people he had so much fun on the field trip to the "tiny-tarium"!!!!!
Seems there is never a dull moment with us... hopefully there will be no more serious injuries. We have a full summer ahead with two camping trips, VBS, Kristen in gymnastics, and whatever else we can find to do!
... Mother's Day morning... Papa somehow managed to keep all kids quite until a 7:30 wake up: all five kiddos surrounded my bed and screamed "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY" to wake me up. I got scarred out of my skin, but it was so precious. Each kid had a little something for me and then Paul wrapped it up with a beautiful flower bouquet in a Yankee Candle. He even made pancakes for everyone.
...Tyler sneaks a frog onto the bus to bring home from school. "Hoppy" became the main attraction for the next two days. Mom drew the line at allowing it into the house, but the kids set up a whole little "habitat" for it on the porch. Oh, how the tears flowed from poor Tyler when he awoke Sun. morning to find Hoppy belly up in his water. Paul took him out back and dug a hole under a tree where Ty lovingly buried him.
... Judson walks around the house for days saying "Hoppy dead. Hoppy dead." Tyler tears up just about every time.
... Judson gets his elbow dislocated while playing with kids at church. Trip to the ER. Three x-rays taken. I am told this is a very common injury amongst two-year-olds. We were shown how to pop it back in if it happens again-- really? Do you think this mom could just pop her own son's arm back into place?!!!
...I visit the dr. again. The swollen lymph node in my armpit has not gone away. (Relating back to my sickness of Jan. and Feb.) I have been referred to a surgeon for a biopsy. My consult is this week, but it sounds scarier than it is. Still no evidence to support cancer, they just need to find out why it is still inflamed. I will admit the prospects of a biopsy are not that inviting for me. Yea, a bit scary.
... Same night... Kristen falls off a playhouse while playing with kids at church. Arm still hurts the next morning, so off we go to the ER again. Three x-rays later, "yep, you broke your arm, Hunny." Mom learned a big lesson that day: the old saying "it's not broken as long as you can still move it" only works for fingers (as the nurse so politely informed me)!!
... The ex and I have a big fight about recent injuries.... that's all that needs to be said...
... we went to court with Paul's ex... many things discussed... a GAL (guardian at lit em) assigned... we are holding fast to God's promises and that "...the truth will set you free." Please pray with us over the next couple of months as things are being brought out, and that the blatant lies told will be all uncovered.
... We rejoice that God has provided so abundantly for our needs.
... Since my kids spent the night at their dad's and Paul had to return Gage to his mom at 7AM, we had five blissful hours the morning of Memorial Day to ourselves.... I'll just leave that one alone! We had a late breakfast and then got to work planting our garden...
... went with the kids on a field trip to a planetarium... great fun!!! Bryce later told people he had so much fun on the field trip to the "tiny-tarium"!!!!!
Seems there is never a dull moment with us... hopefully there will be no more serious injuries. We have a full summer ahead with two camping trips, VBS, Kristen in gymnastics, and whatever else we can find to do!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
My husband, the mutant
Disclaimer: this is a tongue-and- cheek post about men in general. I LOVE my husband and am just having a bit of fun at his expense!
If you follow me on Facebook at all, you will know that the family has been quite stricken with a nasty little stomach bug of late. By mid-week last week, it appeared to be over with only Paul left standing as the "healthy one." Strike that. Late Saturday night, the mighty one fell--- hard!
In the fifteen months that Paul and I have been dating/ married Paul has only been sick once. Two weeks after we were married, he got a very quick moving stomach bug that KO'd him for about a day. He was violently throwing up. But we were newlyweds. I felt so bad for him!!! He moaned and groaned, and I lovingly wiped his brow.
Fast forward seven months. Last Sunday, I was puking and, well, you know... We also had three kids that were doing the same. So, naturally, I stayed home from church with the three sick ones and Paul took the remaining two to church with him. It was not a fun day, but we managed.
Then, this weekend, after days of bragging that he was not going to get sick and how he was the only one who stayed healthy, Paul succumbed and a horrifying mutation occurred.
My normally very loving and selfless husband transformed into a writhing, groaning, self-absorbed... something! Mind you, I knew exactly what he was feeling-- I had been there just a few days before. He made one final valiant attempt to get ready for church Sunday morning, but when the rumbling took full hold of his belly, and the kids just happened to be in the bathroom brushing their teeth, they fell like a pile of bowling pins at the bellowing "GET OUT, EVERYBODY GET OUT, NOW!" My husband disappeared for the next day and a half. I did not know the man that replaced him.
He did attempt to take Gage to have his baseball team pictures taken on Sunday afternoon. His words to me about that was, "I had been driving for what seemed like years, and I looked down and realized I had only driven a mile."
During my drive home from Sunday PM church, I had called Paul just to talk to him. As I was chatting a mile a minute at him about this and that of church events, Paul suddenly interrupts me and says, "do you mind if I just hang up now? I am just really too tired to talk." Seriously, he had been by himself all day, no one to worry about but taking care of himself, and he had the audacity to say he was too tired to just listen!!! After all, what kind of strength does it require to just hold a phone against your ear and say a few "uh-huhs." So I hung up and shook my head at what babies men can be.
So, Mom got all five kids ready for morning church, took care of them all day, took them to evening church, fed them snack, tucked in each one, and then collapsed with a much deserved Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee and a snack. I watched a movie to unwind from the day's events, and then went to bed.
My first clue that I was not going to get a good night's sleep should have been when Paul half raised his head as I was crawling into bed and said "I am really restless, and just can't get comfortable." Translation: my husband had mutated yet again, this time into a giant, writhing octopus.
Have you ever seen that commercial for the mattress that is just so great that a wine glass balances perfectly in one corner while a grown man jumps on the bed? All I could think of as I was been tossed like a leaf in the wind was, "why didn't we get that mattress?" After about an hour, I had had all I could take, so I moved to the chair in our room that we refer to as the "comfy chair." It sure was a welcomed spot that night! At one point, Paul did realize that he had basically kicked me out of the bed, and managed some sort of and apology.
Monday morning rolled around finally, and I got the three older ones off to school. Paul slept for the better half of the day, but did manage to return to his normal self by the afternoon, where he redeemed himself by folding all the laundry for me!
I laughed through much of this, but mused to myself many times at just why do they refer to women as the "weaker sex?"!!!!
If you follow me on Facebook at all, you will know that the family has been quite stricken with a nasty little stomach bug of late. By mid-week last week, it appeared to be over with only Paul left standing as the "healthy one." Strike that. Late Saturday night, the mighty one fell--- hard!
In the fifteen months that Paul and I have been dating/ married Paul has only been sick once. Two weeks after we were married, he got a very quick moving stomach bug that KO'd him for about a day. He was violently throwing up. But we were newlyweds. I felt so bad for him!!! He moaned and groaned, and I lovingly wiped his brow.
Fast forward seven months. Last Sunday, I was puking and, well, you know... We also had three kids that were doing the same. So, naturally, I stayed home from church with the three sick ones and Paul took the remaining two to church with him. It was not a fun day, but we managed.
Then, this weekend, after days of bragging that he was not going to get sick and how he was the only one who stayed healthy, Paul succumbed and a horrifying mutation occurred.
My normally very loving and selfless husband transformed into a writhing, groaning, self-absorbed... something! Mind you, I knew exactly what he was feeling-- I had been there just a few days before. He made one final valiant attempt to get ready for church Sunday morning, but when the rumbling took full hold of his belly, and the kids just happened to be in the bathroom brushing their teeth, they fell like a pile of bowling pins at the bellowing "GET OUT, EVERYBODY GET OUT, NOW!" My husband disappeared for the next day and a half. I did not know the man that replaced him.
He did attempt to take Gage to have his baseball team pictures taken on Sunday afternoon. His words to me about that was, "I had been driving for what seemed like years, and I looked down and realized I had only driven a mile."
During my drive home from Sunday PM church, I had called Paul just to talk to him. As I was chatting a mile a minute at him about this and that of church events, Paul suddenly interrupts me and says, "do you mind if I just hang up now? I am just really too tired to talk." Seriously, he had been by himself all day, no one to worry about but taking care of himself, and he had the audacity to say he was too tired to just listen!!! After all, what kind of strength does it require to just hold a phone against your ear and say a few "uh-huhs." So I hung up and shook my head at what babies men can be.
So, Mom got all five kids ready for morning church, took care of them all day, took them to evening church, fed them snack, tucked in each one, and then collapsed with a much deserved Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee and a snack. I watched a movie to unwind from the day's events, and then went to bed.
My first clue that I was not going to get a good night's sleep should have been when Paul half raised his head as I was crawling into bed and said "I am really restless, and just can't get comfortable." Translation: my husband had mutated yet again, this time into a giant, writhing octopus.
Have you ever seen that commercial for the mattress that is just so great that a wine glass balances perfectly in one corner while a grown man jumps on the bed? All I could think of as I was been tossed like a leaf in the wind was, "why didn't we get that mattress?" After about an hour, I had had all I could take, so I moved to the chair in our room that we refer to as the "comfy chair." It sure was a welcomed spot that night! At one point, Paul did realize that he had basically kicked me out of the bed, and managed some sort of and apology.
Monday morning rolled around finally, and I got the three older ones off to school. Paul slept for the better half of the day, but did manage to return to his normal self by the afternoon, where he redeemed himself by folding all the laundry for me!
I laughed through much of this, but mused to myself many times at just why do they refer to women as the "weaker sex?"!!!!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Precious Bryce
Bryce with JudsonI mentioned Bryce in my last post. Thankfully, the puking is over!!!! Bryce has a very special place in my heart. (I know, all my children are each special and loved equally-- please let me explain!!!)
I almost lost Bryce twice during his birth. He was in a breech position up til about a week before he was born, and I even had a c-section scheduled. When he finally flipped around, unknown to us until his birth, his cord got very tangled up around his leg. When my water broke, it compressed the cord, and his heart rate plummeted. He was four minutes away from being born by emergency c-section when we were able to relieve the pressure on him. I labored the rest of the time on my left side with my right leg held up in the air! Bryce also decided to try to come out face up in stead of face down and subsequently got very stuck in my pelvis! They had to vacuum suction him so hard he had a giant "hickey" on the top of his head that took a full month to heal! I called him my little Jewish boy since the bruise looked like a Jewish hat!
Fast forward almost five years now, and I am convinced that the short amount of time that he was deprived of oxygen during birth did have some affect on him. He has needed speech therapy since he was 2, but is now doing very well. He still has difficulty getting out all his thoughts, and will often start trying to tell me something and then just stop and say, "I love you!"
Bryce has been in our school's K-4 program this year. HE LOVES SCHOOL!!!!! He loves his teacher and all his friends. But Bryce's teacher called me yesterday. He is lagging way behind in reading skills. I knew this from the practice that I do with him, but was hoping that he would soon get it. He does not see that putting letters together can make a word. All he sees is single letters all in a row. We decided that Bryce will be repeating K-4. I know this is best for him, but I am sad as well. If I ever hear someone tease him that he flunked preschool, I do believe I will rip that kid to shreds!!!!!!
God has blessed Bryce with such a special gift. What he lacks in academic ability, he far exceeds in social skills. For as long as I can remember, everyone loves Bryce. He is cute and soooo funny! He has gorgeous eyes and he is so friendly to everyone. Bryce struggled for a long time with pronoun usage. He always referred to himself and "me." We would be walking in a store and he would proudly say to anyone who would make eye contact with him, "Hi! Me Bwyce!"
Bryce also has an incredible gift of knowing just when you need a lift. I posted his "I Love you so double bad" just a couple of weeks ago! But what touched me so much yesterday, was what his teacher said to me. She of course wants Bryce to do well, but she is also excited that she gets to have Bryce in her class for another year. She enjoys him so much.
She told me how Bryce recently threw his arms around he and said, "Miss Platka, I love you so much. You are the bestest teacher. You are like a great big birthday cake for the whole school!!"
Monday, April 20, 2009
Today...
Saw this format on Tina's blog and thought it was worth doing myself!!!
Today...
I'm wondering..... Will the vomit ever stop? (My poor little Bryce has been puking since about 4 AM.)
I'm reading... Do I read? I suppose you could count my Bible and the Ladies' Bible Study book "What do I know about my God?"
I'm feeling... thankful for God's amazing provision, even when we have meltdowns and totally lose sight of His providence, then He slaps you upside the head with exceeding abundance a couple of days later!!!
I'm happy.... Our mortgage situation is resolved and we will not be losing our house!!! Also, for the bags of boys' clothes that was laid in my lap this weekend!
I'm dreaming.... of a pollen free springtime!
I'm going..... Had planned to shoe shop for the boys... now the only thing I am doing today is LAUNDRY-- two sets of bed linens and just about every towel in the house plus all the normal weekend laundry YUCK :(
I'm wishing... both exes would just move to the farthest place on the earth!
I'm enjoying... my very loving husband. In spite of the trials that swirl around us, we have this very safe haven in each other. Oh, how I love being wrapped in his arms.
I'm planning..... my garden, cleaning the garage, planting flowers, fires by the swing.... can we say spring fever!!!
I'm laughing.... At our Pastor's illustration yesterday morning. A drunken man that had died at age 48 from alcoholism--"he pickled his liver"
I'm loving.... my life-- oh, there are just too many things to list!
I'm listening... to Bryce groan with his upset stomach and Judson chatter happily to himself while coloring (but somehow a hammer just appeared and he is now smashing the crayons into tiny pieces!!!), the washing machine spinning away all the puke, and the background of an ever- popular Avatar cartoon.
I'm wanting.... an ice cream maker-- I just think it would be totally cool to make my own ice cream!!!
I'm thinking.... how can I make Bryce feel better? The poor guy just came up and laid on my lap and then went right back to the couch groaning.
I'm clinging to.... my favorite verse of all time...
Today...
I'm wondering..... Will the vomit ever stop? (My poor little Bryce has been puking since about 4 AM.)
I'm reading... Do I read? I suppose you could count my Bible and the Ladies' Bible Study book "What do I know about my God?"
I'm feeling... thankful for God's amazing provision, even when we have meltdowns and totally lose sight of His providence, then He slaps you upside the head with exceeding abundance a couple of days later!!!
I'm happy.... Our mortgage situation is resolved and we will not be losing our house!!! Also, for the bags of boys' clothes that was laid in my lap this weekend!
I'm dreaming.... of a pollen free springtime!
I'm going..... Had planned to shoe shop for the boys... now the only thing I am doing today is LAUNDRY-- two sets of bed linens and just about every towel in the house plus all the normal weekend laundry YUCK :(
I'm wishing... both exes would just move to the farthest place on the earth!
I'm enjoying... my very loving husband. In spite of the trials that swirl around us, we have this very safe haven in each other. Oh, how I love being wrapped in his arms.
I'm planning..... my garden, cleaning the garage, planting flowers, fires by the swing.... can we say spring fever!!!
I'm laughing.... At our Pastor's illustration yesterday morning. A drunken man that had died at age 48 from alcoholism--"he pickled his liver"
I'm loving.... my life-- oh, there are just too many things to list!
I'm listening... to Bryce groan with his upset stomach and Judson chatter happily to himself while coloring (but somehow a hammer just appeared and he is now smashing the crayons into tiny pieces!!!), the washing machine spinning away all the puke, and the background of an ever- popular Avatar cartoon.
I'm wanting.... an ice cream maker-- I just think it would be totally cool to make my own ice cream!!!
I'm thinking.... how can I make Bryce feel better? The poor guy just came up and laid on my lap and then went right back to the couch groaning.
I'm clinging to.... my favorite verse of all time...
I Cor. 10:13
There hath no trial taken you but such as is common to man. But God is faithful, and will not allow you to be tried beyond that which you are able, but will with the trial also make a way of escape, so that you may be able to bear it.
There hath no trial taken you but such as is common to man. But God is faithful, and will not allow you to be tried beyond that which you are able, but will with the trial also make a way of escape, so that you may be able to bear it.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
The changes that people notice
Monday night I went to my ladies' Bible study. At one point of the discussion we were talking about prayer. Our leader said how so many blessing go unrealized because we fail to REALLY pray in faith believing that God will answer our prayer. "You have not because you ask not."
I spoke up about how hard that is. I gave the example of something that I have thought so much about over the last year. The night that Rodney left and I sat sobbing in my Pastor's living room, Hope, my pastor's wife told me this was a temporary thing. My heart's desire was to have a Godly, two parent home for my children. God would not have me be a "widow" so young. This was temporary.
Of course, what I thought she meant was that naturally my husband would repent and come back to us, and we would be a happy little family again. As the months wore on and that did not happen, I began to think that Hope had said that to me just to make me feel better. But she said it several more times as well. Never did she expound on it, but just a gentle reminder that God has a plan.
Now, as the second year has come and gone on that horrible day, I can look back and see just how right Hope really was. Oh, it didn't seem temporary then. But there are several women in my church that have been single moms two and three times as long as I was. Paul and I started dating just 11 months after I became single. What is truly amazing is the transformation that happened in me that I didn't even know needed to happen.
My dear friend Kerry and I sang special music on Sun. Every once in a while you get one of those songs that just fits your voice and you blend perfectly with the other person. "Holy Ground" was that for us! It challenged us a bit, but was beautiful to sing and has a great message.
Getting back to the Bible study, the comments that followed my story blew me away. I am not the same person that sat on my Pastor's couch that night. Yes, there are some scars, but over those scars has grown a beautiful confidence on my Savior instead of a man. I used to live in a sort of fear of upsetting my husband and did not carry myself with any confidence at all. The women told me that I walked right up on stage Sunday morning with my shoulders square and head up. (I have a very acute memory of Hope helping me to see just how not confident I used to walk and stand!)
Somewhere over the last two years that old, beaten down woman has disappeared. I had no idea how I looked when I walked up on that stage Sunday morning. Our sound lady also said as we got into position she thought there was going to be a problem since Kerry was standing closer to the mic than I was. As we began to sing, I unconsciously adjusted myself and we blended perfectly!
One of the older men in the church recently told Paul that I am positively beaming these days. What is amazing to me is that was said during a time when I was physically rather sick! While I am truly very happy with Paul, I think that glow that I exhibit is not so much attributed to Paul himself, but to the fact that I went through a temporary darkness in order to come out stronger!
I wish that I could say that I have mastered praying in faith, believing. I have a long way to go, I am sure. As Paul and I face some new challenges in dealing with our ex spouses, I am reminded of the scene from "Facing the Giants." We must continue on and "prepare for the rain."
I spoke up about how hard that is. I gave the example of something that I have thought so much about over the last year. The night that Rodney left and I sat sobbing in my Pastor's living room, Hope, my pastor's wife told me this was a temporary thing. My heart's desire was to have a Godly, two parent home for my children. God would not have me be a "widow" so young. This was temporary.
Of course, what I thought she meant was that naturally my husband would repent and come back to us, and we would be a happy little family again. As the months wore on and that did not happen, I began to think that Hope had said that to me just to make me feel better. But she said it several more times as well. Never did she expound on it, but just a gentle reminder that God has a plan.
Now, as the second year has come and gone on that horrible day, I can look back and see just how right Hope really was. Oh, it didn't seem temporary then. But there are several women in my church that have been single moms two and three times as long as I was. Paul and I started dating just 11 months after I became single. What is truly amazing is the transformation that happened in me that I didn't even know needed to happen.
My dear friend Kerry and I sang special music on Sun. Every once in a while you get one of those songs that just fits your voice and you blend perfectly with the other person. "Holy Ground" was that for us! It challenged us a bit, but was beautiful to sing and has a great message.
Getting back to the Bible study, the comments that followed my story blew me away. I am not the same person that sat on my Pastor's couch that night. Yes, there are some scars, but over those scars has grown a beautiful confidence on my Savior instead of a man. I used to live in a sort of fear of upsetting my husband and did not carry myself with any confidence at all. The women told me that I walked right up on stage Sunday morning with my shoulders square and head up. (I have a very acute memory of Hope helping me to see just how not confident I used to walk and stand!)
Somewhere over the last two years that old, beaten down woman has disappeared. I had no idea how I looked when I walked up on that stage Sunday morning. Our sound lady also said as we got into position she thought there was going to be a problem since Kerry was standing closer to the mic than I was. As we began to sing, I unconsciously adjusted myself and we blended perfectly!
One of the older men in the church recently told Paul that I am positively beaming these days. What is amazing to me is that was said during a time when I was physically rather sick! While I am truly very happy with Paul, I think that glow that I exhibit is not so much attributed to Paul himself, but to the fact that I went through a temporary darkness in order to come out stronger!
I wish that I could say that I have mastered praying in faith, believing. I have a long way to go, I am sure. As Paul and I face some new challenges in dealing with our ex spouses, I am reminded of the scene from "Facing the Giants." We must continue on and "prepare for the rain."
Friday, March 27, 2009
So double bad
I was just typing away here and Bryce walks up to me and plops in my lap.
"Mom."
"Yes, Bryce."
"I love you."
"I love you, too. Now give mom a big hug."
(Getting the life squeezed out of me) "Mom, I love you so double bad. That means I love you very, very, very much!"
And that, my friends, is what being a mom is all about!
"Mom."
"Yes, Bryce."
"I love you."
"I love you, too. Now give mom a big hug."
(Getting the life squeezed out of me) "Mom, I love you so double bad. That means I love you very, very, very much!"
And that, my friends, is what being a mom is all about!
My sensitive one
Oh, how life just keeps on flying by! There are so many things that I could blog about, but that would require a steady flow of time to just sit at a computer!!! But I just had to share this story with everyone.
I think I have mentioned before how Tyler is my very sensitive, tender-hearted child. He is now seven and tells us he wants to be a preacher when he grows up. At the end of family devotions last night, he asked when he could be baptized.
Side note: At our church, we do not have a traditional baptistery. We use a local boat ramp area at a lake not far from our church. So, naturally, being in a place where our lakes are frozen over almost half the year, we only have a baptismal service a couple of times a year.
Paul and I dismissed the other kids, and I asked Tyler why did he want to get baptized. The eyes filled with tears and he said he did not want to sin anymore. Uh-Oh! Things are just a bit messed up in his precious little mind! So we had a nice chat as to how you really get saved. Now, I truly believe that Tyler is saved. He had prayed the salvation prayer, but more importantly, he lives it. In his child-like faith, he loves the Lord and wants to do right. I think that is why last night was so precious to me. All he wants is to not do wrong anymore!!! His eyes bugged out in amazement at my answer to his question if Pastor still sins too. We all still sin and will always sin until we are in heaven. It must be our goal to not sin, but we are not perfect.
We tell Tyler just about every night when we are tucking him into bed to keep his heart soft toward God. It will make you a great preacher someday! Oh, how I pray for my little boys (and daughter) to grow to be a good men of God! Wouldn't that be the ultimate blessing from all the sadness and heartache that we have endured.
I think I have mentioned before how Tyler is my very sensitive, tender-hearted child. He is now seven and tells us he wants to be a preacher when he grows up. At the end of family devotions last night, he asked when he could be baptized.
Side note: At our church, we do not have a traditional baptistery. We use a local boat ramp area at a lake not far from our church. So, naturally, being in a place where our lakes are frozen over almost half the year, we only have a baptismal service a couple of times a year.
Paul and I dismissed the other kids, and I asked Tyler why did he want to get baptized. The eyes filled with tears and he said he did not want to sin anymore. Uh-Oh! Things are just a bit messed up in his precious little mind! So we had a nice chat as to how you really get saved. Now, I truly believe that Tyler is saved. He had prayed the salvation prayer, but more importantly, he lives it. In his child-like faith, he loves the Lord and wants to do right. I think that is why last night was so precious to me. All he wants is to not do wrong anymore!!! His eyes bugged out in amazement at my answer to his question if Pastor still sins too. We all still sin and will always sin until we are in heaven. It must be our goal to not sin, but we are not perfect.
We tell Tyler just about every night when we are tucking him into bed to keep his heart soft toward God. It will make you a great preacher someday! Oh, how I pray for my little boys (and daughter) to grow to be a good men of God! Wouldn't that be the ultimate blessing from all the sadness and heartache that we have endured.
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