I promise to write more light-hearted things tomorrow and give some pics from our recent camping trip, but first I must work out some thoughts. The last few weeks have been stressful in a whole different sort of way. The enormity of being a single mom has hit me in full force. Until now, I had been in some sort of denial state where I thought that either my husband would repent or God would just miraculously send us a new wonderful Godly man and this whole nightmare would be over in a year or so, tops. Imagine that! As it is so painfully apparent now that he has no intentions of repenting of his new life, I am faced with the certainty of being a single mom to four kids. I am just one- there are four of them. I get so discouraged at times because they need me so much but all in different ways. How will I ever stretch myself to meet all their needs?
But then God sets into my heart and whispers about how he has sent me a helper. Her name is Dory and she has just come to live with me. She is my new angel. My family and her family go waaaay back to childhood days. Dory graduated college this year and took a teaching job not too far away from me. Her sister lives about a hour south of me, but is unable to have tenants. So she has come to stay with us. In exchange for room and board, she will watch my kids every other weekend while I work. She is so sweet and even cleaned up the house yesterday!
I think I have mentioned the "Quieting a Noisy Soul" series by Jim Berg before. I am still plugging away at it, and have had to park on the two chapters about discouragement and despair. Wow, has God been smacking me around a bit! Here are some tidbits:
-- If you put joy and peace in a blender, you get contentment
-- you need to pray not just for deliverance, but for endurance
This one really hit me hard, as I so totally thought that this was just a blip to give me something better in life. I really had not thought this might be long-term. I know- that really sounds insane.
-- God may want us to be changed, so the circumstance can't be until we do.
-- Far too often our despair happens because we are listening to our self instead of talking to our self.
It took me a bit to get that one, but it is soooo true! When I listen to the thoughts of "God does not really love you, etc." instead of quoting scripture at myself, I get discouraged. I fall into despair when I start thinking about how unfair all of this is and how I don't deserve this. But Job was one of the most Godly men and he lost everything. But look what he gained for staying faithful to the Lord! It is just so hard to see the other side when the waves are crashing so hard against you!! From where I stand right now, it seems the life I vowed I would never live has no end in sight. I vowed my kids would never know the pain of what I endured growing up, but they do. And some how God will sustain them too. God gave me Godly men to influence me at just the right times, and He will for them too if need be.
Somewhere in the back of my thinking is the verse about God giving you the desires of your heart. I just don't see that happening yet. But even as I type that, that really is not fully true. My heart's desire is to see my children walk in Him. So far, all love God deeply. But oh, how my heart aches when I have to go to work every weekend and they beg me not to. And when my little girl looks at me with tear- filled eyes and says "can God give us a new daddy that loves God?"
We have been singing a song in church the last few months that is so great. It is by the Gettys and called "Speak, O Lord." I have yet to get through the third verse with dry eyes:
"Speak O Lord, and renew our minds; help us grasp the heights of Your plans for us. Truths unchanged from the dawn of time, that will echo down through eternity. And by grace we'll stand on your promises; And by faith we'll walk as you walk with us. Speak, O Lord, til your church is built, and the earth is filled with your glory."
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
I'm back-maybe!
I have just been catching up on my "blog reading" and I know it has been a couple of weeks since I have written anything. Life is sooooo busy right now I can barely breathe! It seems my computer time is the first to go. (Not that that is a bad thing probably, but I do miss everyone!) I will write more tonight, I hope!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils
One of my favorite romantic comedies is the Tom Hanks/ Meg Ryan movie "You've got Mail." Made back when email was just becoming a huge hit, it has many one liners that I love. One of them is about the fall and the start of school. She talks of bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils. School is just three weeks away here, so we did a bit of shopping yesterday. It was such great fun to help the kids pick out new backpacks and lunchboxes, etc. I will have three in school this year. Kristen is in second grade, Ty will be three days a week in Kindergarten, and Bryce is signed up for special speech school two mornings a week. Bryce is really coming along with his speech and just barely qualifies for the special school, but I really want him to get some extra help while he is young. All this translates into a busy schedule, but also on Fri. mornings, it will just be me and the baby at home. Hard to believe!
The kids are excited for school as well. Tyler actually said he couldn't wait for school to start because it is quiet all day there! I guess we have had a busy and exciting summer!
Oh, on a side note, the other great part of "You've Got Mail" is her love of daisies. I have always loved daisies, and she calls them "...such a happy flower." I totally agree!!
The kids are excited for school as well. Tyler actually said he couldn't wait for school to start because it is quiet all day there! I guess we have had a busy and exciting summer!
Oh, on a side note, the other great part of "You've Got Mail" is her love of daisies. I have always loved daisies, and she calls them "...such a happy flower." I totally agree!!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Glorious day at the beach!
Bryce borrowed a "boogie board" from one of the teen boys. He would put it in the sand, jump on, and wait for the wave to come in! Sadly though, he was too far back for the wave to have enough force to move him. He would get really mad at the board and shake his finger and yell at it! Then he would drag it further in. He eventually got brave enough to lay down on it some!! So cute, and it gave quite a show for all of us!
Tyler chasing the waves. 
Kristen and a friend building a sand castle. That darn tide just had to keep coming in and ruining all their hard work!!
We had a fabulous day with many church friends at the ocean today! It was so nice to get away and yet still be with so many friends. The water was warm enough this time that we really enjoyed it!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
It's over, but I'm free
First, thank you all for "listening" to me. This must be a depressing blog for all of you to read! But you have no idea how healing it is for me to journal all of this out, and the words of comfort all of you leave on the comments mean so much!
Yes, it is over. I am officially a divorced woman. It is still shocking to me that with just a few short questions and in less than five minutes, your marriage can be dissolved.
I think I will just write today as it happened. We did all the paperwork ourselves, so neither of us had a lawyer. When he would start to really push things, all I had to do was threaten to get a lawyer and he straightened up. He is really afraid of them! I do believe we worked things out fairly. I have full custody of the kids. His visits with them will not interfere with church times. I keep the house and his child support is enough that with my working things are ok. We each kept our respective vehicles and the payments. The holiday schedule is agreeable, and we agreed that whoever has the kids is the one who goes to the family gatherings. This one was a bit tough to work out since it is his family, but I am really a part of it in everyone else's eyes. They have all promised many times over that I will never be left out. I love them soooo much!
We entered the courtroom at 9 AM. I had my dear friend Kerry and my pastor's wife, Hope with me. He came alone, for which I was thankful. I had prepared myself that she would come along. The clerk went over our papers, tweaked a few things, then told us to take a seat at each of the tables. When the judge came in, we had to each swear to tell the truth, then she asked Rodney a series of questions. They were things like: do you know what you have signed, do you feel it is in every one's best interest, have you done everything possible to reconcile, and finally, do you have anything to add. His answers were cut and dry. She then turned to me and started the same questions. I thought I was going to pass out and my voice just wouldn't come out right. She had to ask me to speak up because the hearing was being recorded. She kept referring to everything as "irreconcilable differences." I wanted to scream out "it is him who is unwilling!" But instead, I waited until she asked if I had anything to add and simply stated, "this is because of his adultery." With just a slight hint of care, she nodded, gave a long pause, and then said "this matter is now dissolved."
Just like that. The long time love of my life made a beeline out the door. When I turned around my two dear friends both had tears streaming and that was all I needed. I fell into their arms and sobbed. The bailiff graciously closed the courtroom door and handed us a box of tissue. We cried for several minutes and then Kerry whispered "hold your head high, girl. You've done nothing wrong. You're free.
I'm free. I am grieving so hard right now, it is hard to see beyond the pain. But I know that Scripture does allow me to remarry. This is truly a "except for fornication..." And what kind of God is it that would condemn a woman to a life of singleness when my only crime is being a Godly wife and mother?!! I know that my husband really is rejecting God right now. I am just what stands in the way. I certainly am not going out looking anytime soon, and let's face it. It is going to take one special man to take on four small kids!! But I know that my children do not have to grow up as I did. They can have a Godly father again- someday!
The drive home was going smoothly until I was rounding the corner of my street. My kids were at a friend's house a short distance from ours, so I really hadn't planned to stop home. But as my home came into view, the tears came again- hard. It was all I could do to get into the driveway. I was alone now, so I just sat in my van and let the tears flow. I have not cried that hard since the day I found out about the affairs. I knew I needed to just let it come, so I did not fight the grief. After a few minutes, thing subsided and I went inside, refreshed my makeup, read my favorite verses, and then left to get my kiddos.
The rest of the day was spent going to the church to help prepare for next weeks VBS stuff. It was a great diversion for me, and I was surrounded by God's loving people. We wrapped up the day with Wed. prayer service where the whole church just surrounded me (and the kids) with love.
I will close this post with one last thought. Rodney and I talked some on Mon. and I posed the question if this was really what he really wanted. His answer was "absolutely. Did you really think I would change my mind?" I told him I hoped he would see that the grass was not greener and that there was many hundreds of people praying for him to repent. He said "you know, the fact that you have the church made it really easy for me to walk away." He meant this to be mean, but what a testimony for my church!! The fact that he knew they would love and support me and the kids when he abandoned us! I praise God for my church family!
Thank you so much for bearing with this long post! It really brings much healing.
Yes, it is over. I am officially a divorced woman. It is still shocking to me that with just a few short questions and in less than five minutes, your marriage can be dissolved.
I think I will just write today as it happened. We did all the paperwork ourselves, so neither of us had a lawyer. When he would start to really push things, all I had to do was threaten to get a lawyer and he straightened up. He is really afraid of them! I do believe we worked things out fairly. I have full custody of the kids. His visits with them will not interfere with church times. I keep the house and his child support is enough that with my working things are ok. We each kept our respective vehicles and the payments. The holiday schedule is agreeable, and we agreed that whoever has the kids is the one who goes to the family gatherings. This one was a bit tough to work out since it is his family, but I am really a part of it in everyone else's eyes. They have all promised many times over that I will never be left out. I love them soooo much!
We entered the courtroom at 9 AM. I had my dear friend Kerry and my pastor's wife, Hope with me. He came alone, for which I was thankful. I had prepared myself that she would come along. The clerk went over our papers, tweaked a few things, then told us to take a seat at each of the tables. When the judge came in, we had to each swear to tell the truth, then she asked Rodney a series of questions. They were things like: do you know what you have signed, do you feel it is in every one's best interest, have you done everything possible to reconcile, and finally, do you have anything to add. His answers were cut and dry. She then turned to me and started the same questions. I thought I was going to pass out and my voice just wouldn't come out right. She had to ask me to speak up because the hearing was being recorded. She kept referring to everything as "irreconcilable differences." I wanted to scream out "it is him who is unwilling!" But instead, I waited until she asked if I had anything to add and simply stated, "this is because of his adultery." With just a slight hint of care, she nodded, gave a long pause, and then said "this matter is now dissolved."
Just like that. The long time love of my life made a beeline out the door. When I turned around my two dear friends both had tears streaming and that was all I needed. I fell into their arms and sobbed. The bailiff graciously closed the courtroom door and handed us a box of tissue. We cried for several minutes and then Kerry whispered "hold your head high, girl. You've done nothing wrong. You're free.
I'm free. I am grieving so hard right now, it is hard to see beyond the pain. But I know that Scripture does allow me to remarry. This is truly a "except for fornication..." And what kind of God is it that would condemn a woman to a life of singleness when my only crime is being a Godly wife and mother?!! I know that my husband really is rejecting God right now. I am just what stands in the way. I certainly am not going out looking anytime soon, and let's face it. It is going to take one special man to take on four small kids!! But I know that my children do not have to grow up as I did. They can have a Godly father again- someday!
The drive home was going smoothly until I was rounding the corner of my street. My kids were at a friend's house a short distance from ours, so I really hadn't planned to stop home. But as my home came into view, the tears came again- hard. It was all I could do to get into the driveway. I was alone now, so I just sat in my van and let the tears flow. I have not cried that hard since the day I found out about the affairs. I knew I needed to just let it come, so I did not fight the grief. After a few minutes, thing subsided and I went inside, refreshed my makeup, read my favorite verses, and then left to get my kiddos.
The rest of the day was spent going to the church to help prepare for next weeks VBS stuff. It was a great diversion for me, and I was surrounded by God's loving people. We wrapped up the day with Wed. prayer service where the whole church just surrounded me (and the kids) with love.
I will close this post with one last thought. Rodney and I talked some on Mon. and I posed the question if this was really what he really wanted. His answer was "absolutely. Did you really think I would change my mind?" I told him I hoped he would see that the grass was not greener and that there was many hundreds of people praying for him to repent. He said "you know, the fact that you have the church made it really easy for me to walk away." He meant this to be mean, but what a testimony for my church!! The fact that he knew they would love and support me and the kids when he abandoned us! I praise God for my church family!
Thank you so much for bearing with this long post! It really brings much healing.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
A good day
Today was a beautiful day!! It has been so hot and humid the past few days, but a cold front came through last night and changed all that. The sun was bright and a gentle breeze blew all day. The day was quite a mix of emotion. The hubby called to ask about some piddly thing. We talked about how much of a jerk he was earlier this week. He said he had other stresses that were going on. I told him I didn't care about what else was in his life, but it was very unfair to be mean to me for something I have nothing to do with!! He appologized. I felt a bit of vindication. Some from the appology, but mainly that his life is so stressful. Outside of him, my life is pretty care free!
I have felt the tremendous need to redecorate my bedroom for several weeks now. My aunt and I talked of it last week when she was here, and right before she left to go back to IL, she slipped me some cash to begin my "girl room." I poured last week over many bedroom sets, finally found my perfect match, and wouldn't you know, it was on back order! But, alas, it came in today!! I scooped up the kids quick and ran to the store to get my bed linens! The kids helped me take off the old bed sheets and stuff. If you have a bed skirt, you know what a pain they are to put on!! I also replaced the curtains. As I stepped back and looked at my "new" room, I started crying. It really is pretty. It is ME. That is just it. It is no longer our room- it is mine. The kids all plopped down with me and we sank into the plushness of the comforter. They wrapped their little arms around me and again, God's healing touch flowed through me. Later tonight, as I lay watching TV snuggled in my blue flowers of incredibly soft fabric, I found myself smiling. The little things!
I also did several things today that just make me feel soooo good. I am really gonna make it!! I put the baby's crib together- all by myself! (The little guy is five months this next week, and is end-to-end in the bassinet. Time to move out of mom's room!) I also decided to grill out for supper tonight. Grilling was the one cooking thing that Rodney would do. We have a great grill that I just had never figured out how to use. Once I realized there was a safety switch on the propane tank, things went very well!! The burgers were tasty and we had a cute little picnic on the driveway! Never mind that the reason for the picnic was that the house was such a mess from all the activity of the day that there was no spot to eat!! But it was a perfect evening and many great times were had by all.
As I was tucking the kids in for the night, my five year old said to me, "I miss daddy, but I love you bestest of all." While I should have told him not to say that, my heart was soaring so high that I think my response was more like "I'm sure you have good times with daddy too, and I love you sooooo much!"
Thank you, God, for this wonderful summer day!
I have felt the tremendous need to redecorate my bedroom for several weeks now. My aunt and I talked of it last week when she was here, and right before she left to go back to IL, she slipped me some cash to begin my "girl room." I poured last week over many bedroom sets, finally found my perfect match, and wouldn't you know, it was on back order! But, alas, it came in today!! I scooped up the kids quick and ran to the store to get my bed linens! The kids helped me take off the old bed sheets and stuff. If you have a bed skirt, you know what a pain they are to put on!! I also replaced the curtains. As I stepped back and looked at my "new" room, I started crying. It really is pretty. It is ME. That is just it. It is no longer our room- it is mine. The kids all plopped down with me and we sank into the plushness of the comforter. They wrapped their little arms around me and again, God's healing touch flowed through me. Later tonight, as I lay watching TV snuggled in my blue flowers of incredibly soft fabric, I found myself smiling. The little things!
I also did several things today that just make me feel soooo good. I am really gonna make it!! I put the baby's crib together- all by myself! (The little guy is five months this next week, and is end-to-end in the bassinet. Time to move out of mom's room!) I also decided to grill out for supper tonight. Grilling was the one cooking thing that Rodney would do. We have a great grill that I just had never figured out how to use. Once I realized there was a safety switch on the propane tank, things went very well!! The burgers were tasty and we had a cute little picnic on the driveway! Never mind that the reason for the picnic was that the house was such a mess from all the activity of the day that there was no spot to eat!! But it was a perfect evening and many great times were had by all.
As I was tucking the kids in for the night, my five year old said to me, "I miss daddy, but I love you bestest of all." While I should have told him not to say that, my heart was soaring so high that I think my response was more like "I'm sure you have good times with daddy too, and I love you sooooo much!"
Thank you, God, for this wonderful summer day!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Peace that passes all understanding
It seems like it has been ages since I have written. My life is soooooo full! My mom, sister, and aunt came to visit last week. Generally, it was a good visit, but I do remember the reasons why I chose to leave all of them a thousand miles away!! My family truly is the poster family for dysfunction. But I love them, and we really had a great time. I took them to the ocean and to the mountains. They spoiled my kids rotten. We really enjoyed each other.
I have so many things heavy on my mind. It will take me weeks to get them all out. But as I was just reading through a friend's blog on prayer, I knew what I needed to write about tonight. The two biggest things are that my husband is engaged and my divorce will be finalized one week from now.
Yes, I did say "my husband is engaged"!! It happened several weeks ago. When I commented about how fast it was, his response was "well, it isn't all that fast for us." Oh, that's right. They were sleeping together for the better half of last year!! Even in the eyes of the unsaved women that I work with, he is a scumbag. He can't even wait until we are actually divorced?!!
The other thing is that my divorce will be finalized on July 18 at 9 AM. Please pray for me on this day. I have no idea what my emotional state will be on that day. I do not want to cry in the courtroom, but I probably will. My pastor and his wife and a dear friend will be with me for support. It is pretty cut and dry as Rodney and I have sat down with all the paperwork and mutually worked out all the details of money, visitation schedules, etc. If only the girlfriend would quit shoving herself at me this could go along peaceable!
But I mentioned the friend's blog on prayer. I too, have been getting big lessons in how to use this powerful tool. I have no other recourse but to take my heartaches to the Lord. For all the horrible injustices that are being poured out on me right now, God has a plan for them!! He is molding me into what he wants me to be. I love a song by Larnelle Harris that is on our radio station here: "if not for the storm, I couldn't call you my Shelter. If not for the storm, I wouldn't know you the way I do. If not for the storm, I wouldn't need a Savior." And then an amazing thing takes place. Hope blooms. A smile replaces the tears. The "peace that passes all understanding" comes to be. God's love is shining through me and I have no idea how! People tell me that I am glowing. That I am smiling. I can't explain how!
I wish I could tell you he has fallen before God and repented if his sin. I can't. He is just the opposite. But I have hope. Hope that God will either break this man's hard spirit or send me someone else. I do not have to be alone and my children fatherless just because my husband chose to throw away his Christianity and desert his family.
Psalm 26:1 has been a huge encouragement to me. "Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have lived a blameless life..." This verse sustains me when I want in my flesh to lash out in anger against him. Also, "revenge belongs to the Lord." How great our God is to give us so many words of wisdom- all in one book!
I have so many things heavy on my mind. It will take me weeks to get them all out. But as I was just reading through a friend's blog on prayer, I knew what I needed to write about tonight. The two biggest things are that my husband is engaged and my divorce will be finalized one week from now.
Yes, I did say "my husband is engaged"!! It happened several weeks ago. When I commented about how fast it was, his response was "well, it isn't all that fast for us." Oh, that's right. They were sleeping together for the better half of last year!! Even in the eyes of the unsaved women that I work with, he is a scumbag. He can't even wait until we are actually divorced?!!
The other thing is that my divorce will be finalized on July 18 at 9 AM. Please pray for me on this day. I have no idea what my emotional state will be on that day. I do not want to cry in the courtroom, but I probably will. My pastor and his wife and a dear friend will be with me for support. It is pretty cut and dry as Rodney and I have sat down with all the paperwork and mutually worked out all the details of money, visitation schedules, etc. If only the girlfriend would quit shoving herself at me this could go along peaceable!
But I mentioned the friend's blog on prayer. I too, have been getting big lessons in how to use this powerful tool. I have no other recourse but to take my heartaches to the Lord. For all the horrible injustices that are being poured out on me right now, God has a plan for them!! He is molding me into what he wants me to be. I love a song by Larnelle Harris that is on our radio station here: "if not for the storm, I couldn't call you my Shelter. If not for the storm, I wouldn't know you the way I do. If not for the storm, I wouldn't need a Savior." And then an amazing thing takes place. Hope blooms. A smile replaces the tears. The "peace that passes all understanding" comes to be. God's love is shining through me and I have no idea how! People tell me that I am glowing. That I am smiling. I can't explain how!
I wish I could tell you he has fallen before God and repented if his sin. I can't. He is just the opposite. But I have hope. Hope that God will either break this man's hard spirit or send me someone else. I do not have to be alone and my children fatherless just because my husband chose to throw away his Christianity and desert his family.
Psalm 26:1 has been a huge encouragement to me. "Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have lived a blameless life..." This verse sustains me when I want in my flesh to lash out in anger against him. Also, "revenge belongs to the Lord." How great our God is to give us so many words of wisdom- all in one book!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)