BOYS!!

Yesterday afternoon I had one of those mom moments that will make any girly girl like myself squirm. I had been yakking on the phone with my sister, when I realized it was 3:15. That is the exact time I have to be pulling out of the driveway to go to the bus stop or I will be late!! I quickly hung up with the sis, plopped the baby in his car seat, and hollered for the boys to load up in the van- QUICK! Tyler comes sauntering over from the yard and hold his hands out for me, "but mom, what do I do with Stickers?" "Stickers" proved to be a wriggling, slimy lizard of some sort. I screamed and jumped back- Ty just laughed. We quickly found a container for him to carry his new pet in, for he HAD to take it to the bus stop to show all the older kids! Of course, we did end up being a few minutes late, but Kristen quickly forgot that upon seeing our new "pet."

I must say, once I could look at "Stickers" from the safety of a Gladware container, it was very fascinating! It looked just like the gecko on TV only brown and very skinny and only about three inches long. Anybody got any ideas what it was? Oh, yea, it must have been very delicate as well, because it only survived the afternoon. So, my all boy of a son had a dead lizard in a baggie for show-n-tell today!

update

Just thought I would post a bit of an update to last week. He went to church Sun. morning, but blew off Sun. night (there was a big Patriots game on) with the lame excuse that his back hurt. He continues not follow some of the basic instructions that Pastor has given him. Pastor counsels me to be "business as usual." Then last night my sister in law called. She is the baby of the family and has always had a close relationship with Rodney. She begged me NOT to take him back. She would not give me details because she said they would hurt me too much, but not to believe anything that he says because he is not being honest with me. I praise God for people who are so blunt and honest with me and are not just saying to take him back no matter what. My little ones and myself really are better off on our own than to be daily barraged with an ungodly influence such as that. Continue to pray!

April 9th revisited

Oh, it seems the only blogging I do is when something is heavy on my heart! Maybe I will join was it Ann-Marie or Tancy?- with some resolutions before the new year hits! I promise I will try to blog more about life in general here is this busy household!

But on to what is heavy on my heart. On Apr. 9 my world was turned upside down with my then husband's admission of multiple affairs and leaving. This Sunday, almost six months to the day, he flipped it upside down again. I arrived at my in-laws house just like I do every Sunday after church. They watch the kids for me while I get a few hours of sleep before heading to work again. I was especially tired this week and couldn't wait to hand the baby over to mom and crawl into bed. No such luck. Rodney was there and he wanted to talk to me. We went upstairs to the family room and he proceeded to burst into tears and tell me what a mess he had made of things! He hoped I could find it in my heart to forgive him but understood if I could not. He told me he had moved back home with his parents and wanted to get his life back on track.

I am sure most of you are jumping out of your skin for joy right about now. Please sit back down and just say a quick prayer for him- and me. While he is full of regret for the things he has done, he is showing very little signs of repentance. He met with our pastor on Mon. Pastor has told me he was very "mechanical" in his responses. Rodney knows all the right things to say. However, it took much prodding for him to get out that he has sinned. He keeps saying he has messed up. He also will not answer any questions about why the sudden break-up with his girlfriend. Just a week ago, he was telling me that he would not do "the God thing" ever again. When questioned about what changed so quickly, he just says it is a lot of little things.

On to my feelings. I had closed the book on us. I had come to the conclusion that this part of my life was over. I was looking forward to the Lord eventually bringing someone new into my life. How on earth do I ever trust this man again?!!! Not to mention that the thought of even kissing him completely repulses me. I can not even imagine taking him back. This is not to say that I have not forgiven his sin. The anger is gone, but the hurt is still very fresh, and to open myself back up for that...

Not to worry, though. I have been counseling extensively with my pastor this week, and he has given me much freedom. First, he has told me I have NO decisions to make at this time. There will be no marriage counseling because there is no marriage. Rodney is just like any other "fish in the sea." He has to prove that he is worthy of my possible affection. This will take a min. of a year for our pastor. He has counseled Rodney to attend a different church in our area (one of like faith and practice) and he will have great accountability there. Next, I am under no biblical obligation to ever take him back. He divorced me. He gave up the right to be with me then. I must forgive him, but forgiveness does not always have to mean restitution. Now, it may be in the best interests of the kids, but only if he becomes the Godly man that he should be. Why would I take back a man that will just revert back to his old ways a year from now?!

The final thing to consider is that because we are divorced, it would be sin to allow him back into the home without being married. WOW! That had not really entered my mind. So, all of this to say that while he has made some baby steps toward wanting to reconcile, it seems it is just because his little world crashed down on him-- did I mention he is also having to file bankruptcy?!!-- it will be at a min. of 18 months before we, if ever, are remarried.

I told him that with God all things are possible. I do believe this with all my heart. I ask you to lift me up for this. I have no trust or desire whatsoever in this man. It will take a huge act of God's moving for me to love him again.

The ups and downs

Yes, everyone, I do still exist!!!!!!!!! My days are so full, I barely have time to breathe! It does seem that my days will calm a bit now, but who can tell with four little ones!! There seems to be an endless line of home work, school related things or ear aches-- baby Judson has followed his siblings and got his first ear infection already :( I do miss blogging, and I do keep up with all of you. I may do two weeks worth at one setting but.... I do take time for my one true relaxing thing - Net Flix. Hey, Ann- Marie- we are watching the same stuff right now!! I am on Season two of Dr Quinn!

Please bare with me yet again as I work out my thoughts. Things have been very quiet on the ex front for several weeks. He was nice. Almost too nice, so I really did not know what to expect. Then it all came back again this weekend. The old jerk reappeared. The difference being that I called him on it. Of course, that made him even more mad, so we have had a pretty rough few days here. Peace finally reigned today. He called to apologize for being such a jerk. Then we got to talking about why he did not even try to get help. He told me we were too "broken" for too long that it wouldn't do any good. I really pushed him on this. What was broken? I thought we had it pretty good. What was so bad that it wasn't even worth fighting for? He finally asked me what I thought it was. I told him my suspicion has always been that this is not about me but a rejection of God. I am a Godly Christian woman who wants a Christian home. He no longer does. He replied quietly, "you're absolutely right." "People change" he told me, and this kind of life is just not for him. He wants to be free to do whatever he feels like doing.

So, while having this acknowledgement brings a measure of closure to things, it also hits me fully between the eyes that-- I lost my marriage because I love God. I often have sought comfort in the story of Job, now more than ever. "Have you considered my servant Job?" But the great comfort is that because Job remained faithful through all his trials, he was blessed far more than he was even before. This is my test of my faith. Will I pass? Will I hold fast and pass on my faith to my children? I must try!!

Do you need a comb?

With my previous post being so deep and all, I thought I would give you a bit of nursing home humor. This past Sun. AM, I was helping a very sweet little woman get dressed. She is the picture of old-fashioned manners and is very proper. She barely talks above a whisper. As I was lotioning her back, she looked at me through the mirror and said, "honey, would you like a comb?" I looked up at my reflection and saw my curls were becoming a bit frizzy but it wasn't too bad considering I had been working for almost 12 hours. I laughed it off and made a joke about my natural curls having a mind of their own. A few minutes later, my nurse called me to come back to this lady's room. "June has something for you," she said with a huge smile. I look down the hall to see June standing in her door holding a comb out for me!! She really did want me to comb my hair!! So, I headed back into her room and wet my hair a bit with some water (I just couldn't bring myself to really use her comb)!!

Can I really be thankful for THIS?!!

Part of the "stabilizing truths for the soul" is that "God is good- all the time. He always has my best interests in mind." That sounds so nice and fuzzy. The Bible tells us to be thankful in all things and to rejoice always. Over the last five months I have given praise many times for God's provision, His comfort, etc. during this extreme trial of my life.

But this week God has brought me to new depths of understanding. It began with my Pastor's message Sun. morning. Pastor is amazing this way. He gets up to begin preaching, pauses and then says, "I planned to preach something very different, but I believe God would have this for someone." He then preached on the verses about "casting all your cares on Him" and "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known." Oh, I could give the whole thing back to you!! But the main thing that hit me between the eyes is the second verse. He made the statement that "the everything covers the nothing." We can be anxious about nothing if we are taking everything to Him in prayer!

And then that little part about being thankful. This has been much of my meditating over the last few days. Can I really thank God for my husband leaving us? Can I be thankful for this other woman? YES! Without this trial I would not need my Savior so much. Without this trial, I would not be developing this quiet confidence that everyone keeps saying they are seeing in me. I have no idea how God will use me to help others in the future. Do I pray that it will end? Yes, but I now am not just praying for deliverance from this trail, but for the endurance to keep pressing on until His will is completed.

Only in my little world!

I know! I promised to write more... just never seem to have the time! Another week has gone by, and I have not even sat down to read everyone else's blogs! So, have no fear my dear friends, I have not forgotten you!

I will get to the main post in a sec-- just a brief summary of life the last few weeks. Sparing you of details, I needed to boost the equity in the house a bit in order to refinance in my name only. So, I decided to invest in getting a new roof and replacement windows put in. My house is a classic New England style, complete with many unusual angles, so it proved quite a challenge for the roofers. But what a job well done! It was a huge investment that I will be paying for for a long time, but so worth it to have that final thing gone that he can no longer hold over my head.

The kids started school this week. Kristen is in second grade and Ty in kindergarten. Bryce will be starting "speech school" in two weeks. This means on Thurs and Fri. mornings I will only have the baby at home! While it will be very different, I welcome the break.

My new house guest also arrived a couple of weeks ago. What a blessing Dory has been to us!! She is so sweet and helpful. But here is the main part of this post! Franklin, NH is a very quiet little town. We see very little crime and have just three police cars and a staff of not much more. I praised this quaint town up so much to Dory, and assured her that most people do not even lock their doors here. So what do we get wakened to at 1:15 AM Monday night? The police banging hard on my door! Can't say I have ever had THIS happen before!! When I opened the door in a half asleep stupor (you must remember, I just worked all weekend and Mon. nights is when I crash), they asked for Dory. I was too stunned to think clearly, so I knocked on her door and said "the police are here for you." In a very gruff voice the policeman asked her where her car was. She looked just as scarred as I was, and stammered "in the driveway." He then told us no, it is not in the drive, but is sitting crashed into a light pole downtown! He asked her to show him her keys to prove that she did not give it to someone. The ironic thing about the poor girl getting her car stolen right out of my driveway is that it is a borrowed car! She was borrowing it from the principal of the school where she was to begin teaching in just two days! Many details later, they got the guy- he was drunk- and we found out that he had also hit several other houses in the area. It just so happened that he chose my driveway to steal a car from! I do give huge praise to God for keeping us safe and for sparing my van of anything. I foolishly left my wallet in the door pocket and the van was not locked. It was not touched! Yes, we are taking a few extra security measures now, and we all share quite a laugh at this one! So much for no crime!!