It's over, but I'm free

First, thank you all for "listening" to me. This must be a depressing blog for all of you to read! But you have no idea how healing it is for me to journal all of this out, and the words of comfort all of you leave on the comments mean so much!

Yes, it is over. I am officially a divorced woman. It is still shocking to me that with just a few short questions and in less than five minutes, your marriage can be dissolved.

I think I will just write today as it happened. We did all the paperwork ourselves, so neither of us had a lawyer. When he would start to really push things, all I had to do was threaten to get a lawyer and he straightened up. He is really afraid of them! I do believe we worked things out fairly. I have full custody of the kids. His visits with them will not interfere with church times. I keep the house and his child support is enough that with my working things are ok. We each kept our respective vehicles and the payments. The holiday schedule is agreeable, and we agreed that whoever has the kids is the one who goes to the family gatherings. This one was a bit tough to work out since it is his family, but I am really a part of it in everyone else's eyes. They have all promised many times over that I will never be left out. I love them soooo much!

We entered the courtroom at 9 AM. I had my dear friend Kerry and my pastor's wife, Hope with me. He came alone, for which I was thankful. I had prepared myself that she would come along. The clerk went over our papers, tweaked a few things, then told us to take a seat at each of the tables. When the judge came in, we had to each swear to tell the truth, then she asked Rodney a series of questions. They were things like: do you know what you have signed, do you feel it is in every one's best interest, have you done everything possible to reconcile, and finally, do you have anything to add. His answers were cut and dry. She then turned to me and started the same questions. I thought I was going to pass out and my voice just wouldn't come out right. She had to ask me to speak up because the hearing was being recorded. She kept referring to everything as "irreconcilable differences." I wanted to scream out "it is him who is unwilling!" But instead, I waited until she asked if I had anything to add and simply stated, "this is because of his adultery." With just a slight hint of care, she nodded, gave a long pause, and then said "this matter is now dissolved."

Just like that. The long time love of my life made a beeline out the door. When I turned around my two dear friends both had tears streaming and that was all I needed. I fell into their arms and sobbed. The bailiff graciously closed the courtroom door and handed us a box of tissue. We cried for several minutes and then Kerry whispered "hold your head high, girl. You've done nothing wrong. You're free.

I'm free. I am grieving so hard right now, it is hard to see beyond the pain. But I know that Scripture does allow me to remarry. This is truly a "except for fornication..." And what kind of God is it that would condemn a woman to a life of singleness when my only crime is being a Godly wife and mother?!! I know that my husband really is rejecting God right now. I am just what stands in the way. I certainly am not going out looking anytime soon, and let's face it. It is going to take one special man to take on four small kids!! But I know that my children do not have to grow up as I did. They can have a Godly father again- someday!

The drive home was going smoothly until I was rounding the corner of my street. My kids were at a friend's house a short distance from ours, so I really hadn't planned to stop home. But as my home came into view, the tears came again- hard. It was all I could do to get into the driveway. I was alone now, so I just sat in my van and let the tears flow. I have not cried that hard since the day I found out about the affairs. I knew I needed to just let it come, so I did not fight the grief. After a few minutes, thing subsided and I went inside, refreshed my makeup, read my favorite verses, and then left to get my kiddos.

The rest of the day was spent going to the church to help prepare for next weeks VBS stuff. It was a great diversion for me, and I was surrounded by God's loving people. We wrapped up the day with Wed. prayer service where the whole church just surrounded me (and the kids) with love.

I will close this post with one last thought. Rodney and I talked some on Mon. and I posed the question if this was really what he really wanted. His answer was "absolutely. Did you really think I would change my mind?" I told him I hoped he would see that the grass was not greener and that there was many hundreds of people praying for him to repent. He said "you know, the fact that you have the church made it really easy for me to walk away." He meant this to be mean, but what a testimony for my church!! The fact that he knew they would love and support me and the kids when he abandoned us! I praise God for my church family!

Thank you so much for bearing with this long post! It really brings much healing.