Standing in awe... again

After a very tiresome night of work and as NH is being pounded by yet another 'Nor Easter, when I finally arrived home this morning, all I wanted was to rest. As I caught up with Dory on her Christmas activities of the last week, she jumped up and said... "oh, before I forget..." She went to her room and came back handing me an envelope. She told me this was from her sister's church. In it was over $350 in cash!! Katie had mentioned me in prayer when I was in the hospital, and the people of her church wanted to help. I just stand in awe of how great my God is. These are people I have never met- they do not know me or my kids. But they love us and want to help. They are praying for me.

"Exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think..."

I do not know what God has in store for my little family. So I am just tucking away until the time is revealed. I have been so blessed already, I just don't know what else to say.

Thank you to the church of Dracut, Mass.

Flick worth seeing!

I had the rare occasion to get out last night. I went with another single mom to see the National Treasure movie. GOOD FLICK!!!! I have not seen the first one in a while (lost all the grown up movies in the divorce:( ) but I do not remember it being so funny! I laughed so hard several times! Well worth seeing and eventually buying!

Wondering why

I checked my email last night and found some terrible news in it. A very dear friend from college has been trying for five years or so to have a baby. After two rounds of invetro, they finally got a positive test!! God had blessed them with a baby! But now, she has suffered a miscarriage and is grieving once again. I could tell from the email that she is in that numb state of just not knowing what to do. That state where you have to tell yourself to breathe. She mentioned how she knows that God has a better plan for her, but she just can't understand that yet.

This news brought back a flood of emotion for me. No, I have never lost a baby. But I know that life-altering loss. I know the mind-blowing question you just want to scream at God: "WHY"?!!! "Why me?" So many times music is the expression of my soul. Many times through the last year I have had a song from back in the '90s playing in my head from I think the group "Four Him." It is called "Why" and the chorus is: Why, I wonder why. When the reasons aren't clear to me. When it all is a mystery, I want to know why. And though down here I may not understand, I won't let go of the unseen hand- even when I wonder "why."

That just seems to be the heart of it. We just do not know why. All I ever wanted was a stable, Godly home. I vowed my children would never go through what I did as a child. But here I am- divorced because he just didn't want the Christian life any more. My "crime" was that I was a Godly woman. My friend is a great Christian woman. All she wants is a baby. Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? The only real answer I can come up with is scripture: God is working all for our good. Somehow, though, in the heat of the trial, you have to really work hard to find comfort in that. How is pain good? Like my daughter's precious pearl, it began as pain!

My dear friend, you will remain nameless here, but you are so loved and are in my prayers constantly.

"Ending" Christmas

So it is two days post Christmas and the house is quiet for the moment. We are enjoying yet another snowfall today (small today- only 3-4 inches!) so the kids are outside working off some energy while the baby naps. Oh, the fury of activity!!! They all want EVERYTHING opened, put together, and batteries in all at once. I do not know how many times I have said, "please have patience. I am just one person!!" I must say the Wii system is a huge hit. We all have had tons of fun with it, and it gives me a good break from everything while still playing with them. I wish I was as good at bowling in real life as I am on the game!! The boxing game brought the most laughs and the biggest workout. Even I was working up a sweat! Here are some pics of Kristen and Tyler playing.

As you can see they are having a blast and Ty won that round!

Christmas Day brought much healing for me. It really was not that bad. I did shed a few tears in early morning, but not too bad. I had one small moment when the grief started to choke up, but Dad was there for me and gave me a quick squeeze and kiss on the top of the head and it was all better! I know that I am loved. Of course, recent developments in the ex's life makes things much easier. He is back home with his parents as he and the girlfriend have broken up again. He is not making an attempt to get back with me- I think he knows that book is closed forever. He is partying and drinking hard- he looks very ragged. You can truly see how God's hand is off his life.

As the new year is upon me, I am excited for what is to come. Last year was hard. It began with the final weeks of a very hard pregnancy and then turned into the loss of a marriage. But now, the baby is thriving and I can look forward to a life of me as a stronger person. Do I long to be married again? Without a doubt. The list is endless of the little things I miss. I have no idea if or when the Lord may bring someone into my life, but I know that "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I have done things this last year that I never knew I could do!! I am sure there will be many more this year as well. Anybody care to tell me how to tie a tie?!! Never mind, that just might be a lost cause!!!

Pearls

It is now the end of Christmas night and all is finally quiet. I just spent the last hour setting up (no, playing with!!) the new Wii system. I LOVE it- and I'm the "grown-up"!! I promised the kids it would be all ready for them in the morning.

It was a beautiful day and I will write more about it later. I titled this post "pearls" for a reason. One of the gifts I gave Kristen was a real mollusk with a pearl inside. It also came with a special necklace that you can put the pearl in. Here is a picture of Kristen and her very own real pearl.

What a teaching opportunity tonight as we opened the shell and dug through the goo to find the pearl. (Side note: that was soooo disgusting!! None of the kids wanted to touch the inside stuff, and I had to get out my rubber gloves- I just couldn't bring myself to touch it bare-handed!!)

But as I was trying to simply explain how a pearl is created, the magnitude of it hit me. How great God is!! The pearl first gets its start by being a tiny little irritant to the clam. This irritant- over time- is transformed into a beautiful pearl. None of the kids really got that part- just how cool it was to find something so pretty in all that goo! But, for me, it was a great lesson in beauty from ashes!!

Merry Christmas, everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!

The view from our "neck of the woods"

Here is Kristen and Tyler crawling their way to a tree. They are light enough to stay on the top!

Bryce struggled to get to the safety of the tree and decided to hang out here for a while.

This is a view of our house from the driveway. Notice the mound of snow on the door overhang.

This is a shot of the backyard. We have a normal 6ft. privacy fence. This is what is currently visible!!

So yet another snowstorm is pounding northern New England today!!!!!! This makes the third snow day for the kids-- and it is not even the Christmas break yet! I am feeling so much more energized now that my iron level is coming up, so during the baby's nap, we bundled up to head out. Here are a few pics from our adventure.

The return of "Lost"

I have been a "Lost" junkie from the beginning. I have seen every episode made and can not imagine what the network was thinking making all of us wait so long for the return of it!!!! But I just found out by reading a friend's blog, that the wait is almost over!! Lost returns on Thurs. Jan. 31. Someday I will take the time to figure out how to post links, but there is a great trailer for the new season out now! And I am soooo excited that it is on Thurs. now. I have always had to tape it because of church. Now I can watch it live! Bring it on!!

Remembering... and moving forward

Today should have been my ninth wedding anniversary. What a beautiful day that was. Just about everything went perfectly, and the little things that didn't were just funny. I have carefully planned out today. But as I woke up today, I couldn't help but remember and my plans went slightly to pieces. I was going to save my tears for tonight when I have dedicated some time to spend at the alter alone with God before church, but instead they came while I was showering. I tried to choke them back telling myself that I will not let all of this destroy my spirit. But the tears still fell, so I surrendered and let the hot water and tears soothe my soul. Then I got ready for the day, put on a killer outfit, and headed out with the two youngest to pass out cookies to some people that have really helped us this year and to a sick woman in the church. We had great fun baking over the last few days, and what a blessing to turn this day into serving others. I got a blessing seeing people smile with our "thoughtfulness." And Bryce is just such a charmer, he could make even Scrooge himself cheerful!!

So, I am halfway through today and it is not so bad! I plan to go to church early tonight and let a friend feed the kids so I can have some tome to put things to rest. All these months my wedding ring has been sitting in my jewelry box on my bureau. It is time to put it away for good. I bought myself some killer earrings last week and saved the box. I plan to put my ring in it and prayerfully give it to the Lord. Just lay it on the alter for Him to heal all the hurt. Then I will put the ring in the attic with all the other wedding stuff for the kids to have someday. I know that this will not magically end everything, but today is the last big thing to get through for me.

I do not know what God has in store for me and the kids. Will I still be a single mom a year from now? Probably. It is hard to imagine there is someone out there that will want to take on all of us! But God will give me the strength to get through each day just as he has through this year. Oh, how thankful I am for all the little ways He has cared for us! Even with all the snow that just is relentless this year!!! I have three different people who are willing to plow for me!! I get mobbed with phone calls every time the snow falls making sure I am plowed out!

I will close with Scripture that the Father so lovingly placed before my eyes through another's blog.

Heb. 6:17-20 (NIV)
Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf....

Getting back on track

Yes, I am getting better!!!!!!!!!!! I feel a bit stronger each day- both physically and mentally. I did not realize just how tired I really was. I have revamped my schedule, and have come to grips with the fact that I can not do everything that I used to do as a stay at home mom. Much of that is in my own self. I never asked for this life, and was trying to hold on too tightly to the ways of before. My baby really will not suffer if I buy jar food for him instead of make it all from scratch!! But, oh, how the tears fell last week when I stood in the baby aisle of the grocery store looking at all the jars! I felt like a failure- like I am cheating him out of what all the other kids have all had. Silly, I know!!! He will be fully on "table foods" in just a couple of months! I have gone down to the bare basics of housework! I am a neat freak at heart, so it is hard to overlook things sometimes, but it really is ok.

We are very much enjoying our Christmas tree- although the floor seems to be an endless collector of needles and dropped ornaments! I did a bunch of shopping this week and am really getting excited to see their faces on Christmas morning. God is soooo good. I still stand amazed at all I have been able to purchase for them! (And, yes, I have splurged some on some things that I want as well)!!

Winter arrived in New England with a fury on Monday. The measurement in our driveway was 11 inches! The kids were happy to have a day off school. Praise God, I have had three offers to help with the plowing, so I will not have to attempt to control that beast of a machine!! I know this post is a bit choppy. I guess I do not have as much to say as I thought when I sat down!! I
have some difficult days to get through this month. Please pray for me as I heal through my wedding anniversary (on the 19th) and on Christmas. I know it will get easier once the first one is over. Love you all!!!

Now at the bottom

Well, after passing out at work, you wouldn't think things could get much worse. But then this week happened!!! I have learned in a HUGE way that in order to care for my family, I have to first take care of myself. It took over nine months to catch up to me, but the burning the candle at both ends (and maybe in the middle too!) finally took its toll, and I crashed. At work Sun. night I noticed a sore developing on my upper leg. It began to really throb, so I put peroxide on it and covered it with ointment and a band aide. I repeated this on Mon several times, but by Tues. morning it was very obviously infected. Knowing that I work constantly with MRSA (the "super bug" highly resistive to antibiotics), I knew it was nothing to mess with. So off to the dr. I went. He cultured it, marked the infection line with a pen and sent me home with two antibiotics that he thought would work. I was to call if the infection spread more than an inch outside the lines. When I woke Wed. morning, the infection had spread all the way to my knee and I had a fever. My dr. saw me and sent me right to the hospital. The culture had not come back yet, but at the rate that the infection was spreading it had to be the MRSA. I was started on IV meds. Once I got to the hospital and allowed myself to just fully let someone care for me (and try to forget that I just dumped the kids on several people!), I realized I felt AWFUL! I spent a full day in the hospital and am doing much better now. The sore is still very nasty looking, but the infection is way down. My dr. had a very fatherly chat with me when all my labs and cultures came back. No, I did not have a MRSA infection. I have virtually no immune system. My white blood cells were through the roof and I am "dangerously anemic." He told me almost everything with my blood counts was off. I need to rest. This was also most likely the reason I passed out last week. Any little bug that comes along is going to knock me flat.

Oh, so easy to say and not so easy to do!! But God is so faithful! I had another gift of money waiting for me when I got home from the hospital, so I have taken tonight off work. The kids are with him for the weekend, so I have until Sat night to rest up. His parents also told me that they had a very long talk with him about his actions of late. I saw an abuse counselor this week and she gave me my options about a restraining order. I will think long before I take that drastic of a step, because it gets very complicated. He is not hurting me or the kids physically- just constantly harassing. But words hurt just as much as a fist sometimes.

I am only beginning to realize the depth of support I have here, though. Not only do I have my church, but my medical team and the law is on my side!! He has threatened to take the kids away. We say, "bring it on. You have an army waiting." My prayer is that he will see that I am serious and that he has no foundation to stand on when saying I am an unfit mother. Even his own family will testify to this. Every one of them has told me they will testify against him if he even tries to bring that to court.

I realize I just gave a lot of info without many details, but just pray for this situation. You can understand why the stress level is off the charts right now. He really was not this monster when we were married. He never questioned me. He left all parenting up to me. We rarely ever disagreed on childcare issues. This is not the man I used to know- it is the influence of his new life and the girlfriend.

Thank you all for the comments left- it helps sooooo much! I am still amazed at how this has touched so many people. Yes, I have learned valuable lessons this week. I need to remember myself. I get stuck on how people can be so selfish that I have swung the total opposite way and that is not good either!! I do feel like a pharmacy right now! I am taking 5 pills in the AM and 3 at night to get me back on track with the infection and get my immune system back online!

My dr. so lovingly told me that a year from now I will look back on this time and remember that it was hell but that it will probably be over. Yes, it is awful, and yet I also know that I can rest in my Lord's arms as well and know that I am loved far more than I really understand.

So fitting

My long- time friend Charity sent me this poem and I just had to post it. This is not just for me, but all of you moms out there!

The house is a mess, the dishes are dirty.
I'm too old for this stuff, I'm well over thirty!
The car is not clean, my hair is a wreck,
And I've already spent next Friday's paycheck.
The laundry needs washing, the children too rowdy,
And I never have time for a leisurely "Howdy."
With all that I do, it's never enough,
It's never quite finished, it always looks rough.
I looked in my mirror and what did I see?
A harried old stranger, where I used to be.
The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.
Today is tomorrow, and I'm not caught up yet.
My children are growing at such a fast pace,
That I'm missing their childhood for the sake of this race.
I work and clean and I cook, and I say,
"Hit the books, clean your room!" there's no time for play.
The Lord, for some reason, chose ME with the care
Of five of His children, but I'm rarely there!
I've GOT to slow down lest there's nothing to show
For my role as their mom when they pack up and go!
I'm only one person, but look through the door,
What appears to be one, divides into more!
I'm chauffeur, a cook, a planter of trees,
A teacher, an umpire, a mender of knees.
Sometimes I forget that deep down inside,
There's a lady with feelings, and last night she cried.
She gets tried and lonely, feels taken for granted.
She wants to see blooms from the seeds that she's planted.
Then, amidst all the turmoil in this mind-bending pace,
My little ones look at me square in the face....
And just when I need it, they all in one day
Say, "Momma, I love you" and then....I'm OKAY!
-Anonymous

Unbelief

I ended my last post with "the Lord must be shaking his head at our unbelief. If only we could see what lies ahead..."

Oh, if only!!!! Last week was horrible and wonderful. Horrible because of the ex's relentless harassment. There are so many accusations flying at me, but God's protection is amazing! Rodney is all talk. We just stand in wait for if he decides to ever try to take things to court. He has no idea the army that awaits him. I had no idea just how many people I have to back up my character. My pastor told me of a quote once told to him. "You take care of your character, and God will take care of your reputation." I am seeing this sooooo much right now!

My biggest praise and most humbling part of this post will be that of my finances. You will remember how I was bemoaning the loss of my "plan." I ended up missing a week and a half of church (the kids all got the stomach bug- yuck!!!) During this time it got around that I had passed out at work from exhaustion and that I was picking up extra shifts to make some extra Christmas money. Last night Pastor called me up to the stage and stated that the church body wanted me and the kids to know how much we are loved and cared for. He handed me a check for over a thousand dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think..." Oh, the deep love of my Savior that he would bless so much in spite of my unbelief. And this is beyond the fact that I did have 13 hours of sick time available and the Thanksgiving holiday pay that would just about break even the hours that I lost being sick.

I am so overwhelmed at the generosity of God's people. The church body is barely 100 people- at most. What a great God we serve!

The darkness of night

Warning: I am sick and feeling very low emotionally right now. I have no idea what is going to come out in this post!

Last night began my "work week." In case I have never explained what I work it is three 7PM to 7AM shifts, Fri., Sat., and Sun. It doesn't give much time for sleep, but it allows me to be with the kids through the week. The first four hours last night went fine. Then during the changeover, I began to feel dizzy. By 12:15, I was on the third round of almost passing out. They took my blood sugar level and that was fine. They took my blood pressure and it was 80 over 40. For those not in health care- a normal BP should be about 120 /80. My sick time does not kick in for two more weeks, being stupidly pigheaded, I refused to let the send me by ambulance. I wanted to just take my lunch break and rest- then I would be fine. My nurse said, "at the risk of sounding insensitive, you are laying on the floor with a BP in the toilet. I don't think you belong here!" Well, when you put it like that... So, I let them call my (former) mother in law and she came right up and took me to the ER. After doing a cardiac workup and all sorts of stuff, I was discharged with the diagnosis of exhaustion and dehydration. They beefed me up with fluids and sent me home with instructions not to go in to work until Sun.

So much for my Christmas money plans. Why does it seem just when you have it "all figured out" God knocks you flat. I wanted so desperately to be able to buy the kids special stuff this year. I know how shallow that sounds. You can't buy love. But I am a gift giver- my joy comes from seeing their faces light up in getting that toy they want sooooo bad!

Oh, back to my sickness. The near fainting was probably just a virus hitting me, because within an hour of getting home from the ER, I was puking my guts out. I slept most of the day, and am now just weak.

The kids are with him until tomorrow morning, so I have nothing to do but rest. I know I need that, but I do miss my babies! Never has my loneliness been more real than now. I should have been having a loving husband rushing to my side last night. I didn't ask for this life. I did nothing to deserve it, and yet here I sit- alone at my computer, working myself ragged to the point of extreme exhaustion. There are four of them and only one of me. I love them all beyond words, but I am tired. I am so tired of fighting to keep my chin up and be brave. I have praise music playing in the background, but all my heart is crying is "God, haven't I suffered enough?"

Talk about divine. I stopped to listen to the song playing right now. It was saying, "I will lift my eyes to the maker of the mountains I can't climb... lift my eyes to the healer if the hurt I hold inside... Oh, God, my God, your beloved needs you now."

Everyone keeps telling me I will get through this. The night will not last forever. I have only been a single parent for nine months, but it seems a lifetime. Yes, I will make it. Thanks for "listening" to my little pity party. I will echo Ann-Marie. The Lord must be shaking His head at our unbelief. If only we could see what lies ahead....

What was I thinking?!!

Yesterday I did something that shocked even me. The kids had dental check ups in Concord- that is about a half hour away from our house. In Concord is the one and only Taco Bell within a hour's drive of us. Oh, how I love their Gordida!! It has been since before.... you know... that I have been to Taco Bell. I have taken the kids to places with play lands by myself, but never a "sit- down" place. So after every one's teeth were all sparkling white, I unloaded all of them into Taco Bell. The place never knew what hit them. I didn't know what hit me! After ordering all our tacos while frantically trying to keep order to kids who were so excited to be having the cinn. sticks (yes, they really did eat the tacos too!), I realized that the drinks were the serve yourself kind. All wanted to pour their own. How does a mom with only two hands help four kids bouncing up and down excited all at once? I took a deep breath and secretly berated myself for dreaming this could work. I found a booth close to the drink counter. Put the baby in a high chair, unloaded the massive amount of coats, and began barking out orders to the three older kids. I was pretty proud of myself by the end of it! Except that Bryce kept running up to each and every person there and shouting at them, "You know what my name is? Me Bwyce- and this is Ma, and Tens, and Ty, and Juns." (That is my attempt at writing "Bryce talk" for mom, Kristen, Tyer, and Judson. I love that he calls me "ma"- it is so cute!)

The cool thing was when we were about done a man came up and started talking to the kids. They really tried not to talk to the "Stranger"!! But then he told me he was the station manager for the Seacoast Christian radio station and wanted to commend me on a job well done. He heard the kids pray before we ate and said how rare that was now days. My charming Bryce piped up about how Jesus is in heaven and in his heart, and the man laughed about what deep theology such a young one was learning!

I left Taco Bell last night with more than a full and satisfied belly. I left with a new level of confidence- I am doing a good job! Look out fine dining-- or maybe in ten years!

Getting into the spirit

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!!! I love everything about the entire season. I began planning for this year months ago. I have been stashing away some money and now I have picked up three extra shifts at work over the next two weeks. Not enough to kill me physically, but enough to bring in some good dough. I really want to make this year special. I know, presents is not the real meaning of Christmas- and there will be plenty of teaching about that- but it is sooooo special to see their faces light up with pure joy! The beauty of working the night shift is the kids just stay with my room mate and barely know that I am gone. Of course, I am struggling to stay awake the next day, but it is only three times, so I can handle it!!

I bought some lights for the outside trees and decorated them yesterday. When it was dark, the kids just stood in awe thinking it was the prettiest sight ever. This morning, I went shopping for the weekly stuff at a local closeout store and found the greatest thing for Tyler- a hermit crab habitat. I contemplated getting it because he was with me. But knowing how this store works- it may not be there tomorrow. Ty can really be very clueless sometimes (no, not MY son!) and that worked to my advantage today! I slid the box under the cart while he was looking somewhere else. When it came time to checkout, I casually put it on the belt face down. He never even asked about it!!

I know this year will be different, but I am determined not to let the tragedies of this year ruin our spirit. I am starting fresh. I have bought all new ornaments except for the kids' stuff. He did not like real trees, so we rarely had them. I LOVE real trees. That is a smell that will be in heaven!!! We are planning to go the day after Thanksgiving with another family in the church to cut down our own!! I really am becoming "de-big-city-ized" (love my word creations?)!! I will let myself grieve when things hit. But I am determined to cry for just a moment. "Joy comes in the morning." God truly has better in store for me, and I am already seeing that!!

The change in me

I figured I would try to post a pic of my "transformation" as people are calling it here. When the separation/divorce first happened and I couldn't see the light of day, my pastor told me that it would get better. I would heal, and then someday I would show up at church with a new hairdo and new clothes. I thought he was crazy. I have had the same hairstyle for years. Then, thanks to a great friend of mine, I inherited an entire "new" wardrobe. She is an insurance rep. and has TONS of clothes that she decided to get rid of. They are all great and so much more modern and figure-flattering than I ever wore before. I am a petite girl- nothing wrong with embracing that! Sorry, for all of you that struggle with weight- shutting up now! I also cut my hair about a month ago. Actually it was the week before the ex tried to come back. The pic does not give the style justice- it really is fluffier. I have also begun to wear eye makeup- just a tad! It really does brighten up the eyes and it only bothers the allergies a little. I am amazed at how right Pastor was! (Hate that, don't ya?!) The inward changes came outward and I didn't even realize it until it was there for all to see!

Now, a month has gone by since he tried to come back. He has been horrible. I am convinced there really is nothing good left in him. Every possible chance he can, he "zings" me verbally. He has hurt the kids just to "get back" at me. In the face of it, I falter, sometimes fail, but am prevailing strong with God's guiding hand on me. Each time I am at church, at least one person tells me what a testimony I have been to them. I do not feel worthy. I make so many mistakes. But praise the Lord, His mercy never fails. I am changing- growing stronger!!


I just had to include this pic of Judson. I found him yesterday chomping on Pringles! The other kids had left the snack cupboard open and he found his way to the chips. Of course, at 8 months, he was struggling and I had to clean him up quick, but oh, soooo cute!!

Here's the "new" me. Like I said, the hair is really much fluffier and is highlighted.

Only in Ty's world!

This story is just too funny to keep to myself!!

Last night I was talking to a friend from college that I have not talked to in many months. I had to cut things short because Tyler came downstairs screaming that he has bunny food up his nose!! How did it get there? Ty was lying on the floor (by the bunny cages) and Bryce was jumping on his back. His head bumped the floor and he breathed in at the same time. His nose was right over some spilled rabbit food and one went up his nose and is now stuck!! Now, you might be thinking this sounds too far-fetched. You must keep in mind that Tyler is my accident child. I have had him to the Dr. more times than I care to admit for very bizarre happenings!!

I could not see anything up his nose. I felt around outside and could feel a small lump way up almost to his eyes!! I thought for sure that I was going to be making an ER run. But I tried one last ditch effort with plugging the other side and having him blow really hard. It took three tries, but at last the little pellet came flying out!! Lesson learned: "Mom, I don't think I will lay down by the bunny cages again."

God cares about $4 coffee

The depth of God's care continues to amaze me! My prayer through the events of recent times has been more of a plea. My pastor had told me it would take a solid year or more for the ex to really begin to prove he might be worthy of taking back. But when you really put that into real life, how do I keep my heart in a neutral position for that long?!! So, my prayer was that if this man was not for real, then reveal it soon. And what amazes me is that God, in His grace, cares about silly female emotions. Within just a little over a week, I knew without a doubt that things really are over for good. He is now back with the mistress and no longer interested in righting things with God.

The title of my post is about $4 coffee. Here's the explanation. One of my new vices is Starbucks. I can't stand to think that I pay $4 for ONE latte, but MMmmm!! So, being on the tight budget of a single mom with four kids, I allow myself one per week. With my recent Sunday off work (my sick time does not kick in until Dec.) my paycheck was rather short this time. While there is enough for the bills, it's slim pickin's for the next two weeks. Can I live without Starbucks for two weeks? Of course, but I was secretly grieving my loss of my "comfort food." But, alas! This story has a happy ending!! When I got to church on Sunday, I was handed a beautiful card of encouragement from a sweet older lady. Guess what was inside? A gift card to Starbucks!!!! The Lord really does care about the little things!

Times passed

A friend sent me the following forward with the attached message: "Please don't take this lightly as some of us may have in years past. And praise the Lord for the Years Have Passed!! Take a minute to let that statement sink in!

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

Just thought I would send along some recent pics of the most handsome baby around! The top one does not show much of the outfit but-- GO RED SOX! The bottom one is Judson enjoying his first teething biscuit.

BOYS!!

Yesterday afternoon I had one of those mom moments that will make any girly girl like myself squirm. I had been yakking on the phone with my sister, when I realized it was 3:15. That is the exact time I have to be pulling out of the driveway to go to the bus stop or I will be late!! I quickly hung up with the sis, plopped the baby in his car seat, and hollered for the boys to load up in the van- QUICK! Tyler comes sauntering over from the yard and hold his hands out for me, "but mom, what do I do with Stickers?" "Stickers" proved to be a wriggling, slimy lizard of some sort. I screamed and jumped back- Ty just laughed. We quickly found a container for him to carry his new pet in, for he HAD to take it to the bus stop to show all the older kids! Of course, we did end up being a few minutes late, but Kristen quickly forgot that upon seeing our new "pet."

I must say, once I could look at "Stickers" from the safety of a Gladware container, it was very fascinating! It looked just like the gecko on TV only brown and very skinny and only about three inches long. Anybody got any ideas what it was? Oh, yea, it must have been very delicate as well, because it only survived the afternoon. So, my all boy of a son had a dead lizard in a baggie for show-n-tell today!

update

Just thought I would post a bit of an update to last week. He went to church Sun. morning, but blew off Sun. night (there was a big Patriots game on) with the lame excuse that his back hurt. He continues not follow some of the basic instructions that Pastor has given him. Pastor counsels me to be "business as usual." Then last night my sister in law called. She is the baby of the family and has always had a close relationship with Rodney. She begged me NOT to take him back. She would not give me details because she said they would hurt me too much, but not to believe anything that he says because he is not being honest with me. I praise God for people who are so blunt and honest with me and are not just saying to take him back no matter what. My little ones and myself really are better off on our own than to be daily barraged with an ungodly influence such as that. Continue to pray!

April 9th revisited

Oh, it seems the only blogging I do is when something is heavy on my heart! Maybe I will join was it Ann-Marie or Tancy?- with some resolutions before the new year hits! I promise I will try to blog more about life in general here is this busy household!

But on to what is heavy on my heart. On Apr. 9 my world was turned upside down with my then husband's admission of multiple affairs and leaving. This Sunday, almost six months to the day, he flipped it upside down again. I arrived at my in-laws house just like I do every Sunday after church. They watch the kids for me while I get a few hours of sleep before heading to work again. I was especially tired this week and couldn't wait to hand the baby over to mom and crawl into bed. No such luck. Rodney was there and he wanted to talk to me. We went upstairs to the family room and he proceeded to burst into tears and tell me what a mess he had made of things! He hoped I could find it in my heart to forgive him but understood if I could not. He told me he had moved back home with his parents and wanted to get his life back on track.

I am sure most of you are jumping out of your skin for joy right about now. Please sit back down and just say a quick prayer for him- and me. While he is full of regret for the things he has done, he is showing very little signs of repentance. He met with our pastor on Mon. Pastor has told me he was very "mechanical" in his responses. Rodney knows all the right things to say. However, it took much prodding for him to get out that he has sinned. He keeps saying he has messed up. He also will not answer any questions about why the sudden break-up with his girlfriend. Just a week ago, he was telling me that he would not do "the God thing" ever again. When questioned about what changed so quickly, he just says it is a lot of little things.

On to my feelings. I had closed the book on us. I had come to the conclusion that this part of my life was over. I was looking forward to the Lord eventually bringing someone new into my life. How on earth do I ever trust this man again?!!! Not to mention that the thought of even kissing him completely repulses me. I can not even imagine taking him back. This is not to say that I have not forgiven his sin. The anger is gone, but the hurt is still very fresh, and to open myself back up for that...

Not to worry, though. I have been counseling extensively with my pastor this week, and he has given me much freedom. First, he has told me I have NO decisions to make at this time. There will be no marriage counseling because there is no marriage. Rodney is just like any other "fish in the sea." He has to prove that he is worthy of my possible affection. This will take a min. of a year for our pastor. He has counseled Rodney to attend a different church in our area (one of like faith and practice) and he will have great accountability there. Next, I am under no biblical obligation to ever take him back. He divorced me. He gave up the right to be with me then. I must forgive him, but forgiveness does not always have to mean restitution. Now, it may be in the best interests of the kids, but only if he becomes the Godly man that he should be. Why would I take back a man that will just revert back to his old ways a year from now?!

The final thing to consider is that because we are divorced, it would be sin to allow him back into the home without being married. WOW! That had not really entered my mind. So, all of this to say that while he has made some baby steps toward wanting to reconcile, it seems it is just because his little world crashed down on him-- did I mention he is also having to file bankruptcy?!!-- it will be at a min. of 18 months before we, if ever, are remarried.

I told him that with God all things are possible. I do believe this with all my heart. I ask you to lift me up for this. I have no trust or desire whatsoever in this man. It will take a huge act of God's moving for me to love him again.

The ups and downs

Yes, everyone, I do still exist!!!!!!!!! My days are so full, I barely have time to breathe! It does seem that my days will calm a bit now, but who can tell with four little ones!! There seems to be an endless line of home work, school related things or ear aches-- baby Judson has followed his siblings and got his first ear infection already :( I do miss blogging, and I do keep up with all of you. I may do two weeks worth at one setting but.... I do take time for my one true relaxing thing - Net Flix. Hey, Ann- Marie- we are watching the same stuff right now!! I am on Season two of Dr Quinn!

Please bare with me yet again as I work out my thoughts. Things have been very quiet on the ex front for several weeks. He was nice. Almost too nice, so I really did not know what to expect. Then it all came back again this weekend. The old jerk reappeared. The difference being that I called him on it. Of course, that made him even more mad, so we have had a pretty rough few days here. Peace finally reigned today. He called to apologize for being such a jerk. Then we got to talking about why he did not even try to get help. He told me we were too "broken" for too long that it wouldn't do any good. I really pushed him on this. What was broken? I thought we had it pretty good. What was so bad that it wasn't even worth fighting for? He finally asked me what I thought it was. I told him my suspicion has always been that this is not about me but a rejection of God. I am a Godly Christian woman who wants a Christian home. He no longer does. He replied quietly, "you're absolutely right." "People change" he told me, and this kind of life is just not for him. He wants to be free to do whatever he feels like doing.

So, while having this acknowledgement brings a measure of closure to things, it also hits me fully between the eyes that-- I lost my marriage because I love God. I often have sought comfort in the story of Job, now more than ever. "Have you considered my servant Job?" But the great comfort is that because Job remained faithful through all his trials, he was blessed far more than he was even before. This is my test of my faith. Will I pass? Will I hold fast and pass on my faith to my children? I must try!!

Do you need a comb?

With my previous post being so deep and all, I thought I would give you a bit of nursing home humor. This past Sun. AM, I was helping a very sweet little woman get dressed. She is the picture of old-fashioned manners and is very proper. She barely talks above a whisper. As I was lotioning her back, she looked at me through the mirror and said, "honey, would you like a comb?" I looked up at my reflection and saw my curls were becoming a bit frizzy but it wasn't too bad considering I had been working for almost 12 hours. I laughed it off and made a joke about my natural curls having a mind of their own. A few minutes later, my nurse called me to come back to this lady's room. "June has something for you," she said with a huge smile. I look down the hall to see June standing in her door holding a comb out for me!! She really did want me to comb my hair!! So, I headed back into her room and wet my hair a bit with some water (I just couldn't bring myself to really use her comb)!!

Can I really be thankful for THIS?!!

Part of the "stabilizing truths for the soul" is that "God is good- all the time. He always has my best interests in mind." That sounds so nice and fuzzy. The Bible tells us to be thankful in all things and to rejoice always. Over the last five months I have given praise many times for God's provision, His comfort, etc. during this extreme trial of my life.

But this week God has brought me to new depths of understanding. It began with my Pastor's message Sun. morning. Pastor is amazing this way. He gets up to begin preaching, pauses and then says, "I planned to preach something very different, but I believe God would have this for someone." He then preached on the verses about "casting all your cares on Him" and "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known." Oh, I could give the whole thing back to you!! But the main thing that hit me between the eyes is the second verse. He made the statement that "the everything covers the nothing." We can be anxious about nothing if we are taking everything to Him in prayer!

And then that little part about being thankful. This has been much of my meditating over the last few days. Can I really thank God for my husband leaving us? Can I be thankful for this other woman? YES! Without this trial I would not need my Savior so much. Without this trial, I would not be developing this quiet confidence that everyone keeps saying they are seeing in me. I have no idea how God will use me to help others in the future. Do I pray that it will end? Yes, but I now am not just praying for deliverance from this trail, but for the endurance to keep pressing on until His will is completed.

Only in my little world!

I know! I promised to write more... just never seem to have the time! Another week has gone by, and I have not even sat down to read everyone else's blogs! So, have no fear my dear friends, I have not forgotten you!

I will get to the main post in a sec-- just a brief summary of life the last few weeks. Sparing you of details, I needed to boost the equity in the house a bit in order to refinance in my name only. So, I decided to invest in getting a new roof and replacement windows put in. My house is a classic New England style, complete with many unusual angles, so it proved quite a challenge for the roofers. But what a job well done! It was a huge investment that I will be paying for for a long time, but so worth it to have that final thing gone that he can no longer hold over my head.

The kids started school this week. Kristen is in second grade and Ty in kindergarten. Bryce will be starting "speech school" in two weeks. This means on Thurs and Fri. mornings I will only have the baby at home! While it will be very different, I welcome the break.

My new house guest also arrived a couple of weeks ago. What a blessing Dory has been to us!! She is so sweet and helpful. But here is the main part of this post! Franklin, NH is a very quiet little town. We see very little crime and have just three police cars and a staff of not much more. I praised this quaint town up so much to Dory, and assured her that most people do not even lock their doors here. So what do we get wakened to at 1:15 AM Monday night? The police banging hard on my door! Can't say I have ever had THIS happen before!! When I opened the door in a half asleep stupor (you must remember, I just worked all weekend and Mon. nights is when I crash), they asked for Dory. I was too stunned to think clearly, so I knocked on her door and said "the police are here for you." In a very gruff voice the policeman asked her where her car was. She looked just as scarred as I was, and stammered "in the driveway." He then told us no, it is not in the drive, but is sitting crashed into a light pole downtown! He asked her to show him her keys to prove that she did not give it to someone. The ironic thing about the poor girl getting her car stolen right out of my driveway is that it is a borrowed car! She was borrowing it from the principal of the school where she was to begin teaching in just two days! Many details later, they got the guy- he was drunk- and we found out that he had also hit several other houses in the area. It just so happened that he chose my driveway to steal a car from! I do give huge praise to God for keeping us safe and for sparing my van of anything. I foolishly left my wallet in the door pocket and the van was not locked. It was not touched! Yes, we are taking a few extra security measures now, and we all share quite a laugh at this one! So much for no crime!!

Being single sets in

I promise to write more light-hearted things tomorrow and give some pics from our recent camping trip, but first I must work out some thoughts. The last few weeks have been stressful in a whole different sort of way. The enormity of being a single mom has hit me in full force. Until now, I had been in some sort of denial state where I thought that either my husband would repent or God would just miraculously send us a new wonderful Godly man and this whole nightmare would be over in a year or so, tops. Imagine that! As it is so painfully apparent now that he has no intentions of repenting of his new life, I am faced with the certainty of being a single mom to four kids. I am just one- there are four of them. I get so discouraged at times because they need me so much but all in different ways. How will I ever stretch myself to meet all their needs?

But then God sets into my heart and whispers about how he has sent me a helper. Her name is Dory and she has just come to live with me. She is my new angel. My family and her family go waaaay back to childhood days. Dory graduated college this year and took a teaching job not too far away from me. Her sister lives about a hour south of me, but is unable to have tenants. So she has come to stay with us. In exchange for room and board, she will watch my kids every other weekend while I work. She is so sweet and even cleaned up the house yesterday!

I think I have mentioned the "Quieting a Noisy Soul" series by Jim Berg before. I am still plugging away at it, and have had to park on the two chapters about discouragement and despair. Wow, has God been smacking me around a bit! Here are some tidbits:
-- If you put joy and peace in a blender, you get contentment
-- you need to pray not just for deliverance, but for endurance
This one really hit me hard, as I so totally thought that this was just a blip to give me something better in life. I really had not thought this might be long-term. I know- that really sounds insane.
-- God may want us to be changed, so the circumstance can't be until we do.
-- Far too often our despair happens because we are listening to our self instead of talking to our self.
It took me a bit to get that one, but it is soooo true! When I listen to the thoughts of "God does not really love you, etc." instead of quoting scripture at myself, I get discouraged. I fall into despair when I start thinking about how unfair all of this is and how I don't deserve this. But Job was one of the most Godly men and he lost everything. But look what he gained for staying faithful to the Lord! It is just so hard to see the other side when the waves are crashing so hard against you!! From where I stand right now, it seems the life I vowed I would never live has no end in sight. I vowed my kids would never know the pain of what I endured growing up, but they do. And some how God will sustain them too. God gave me Godly men to influence me at just the right times, and He will for them too if need be.

Somewhere in the back of my thinking is the verse about God giving you the desires of your heart. I just don't see that happening yet. But even as I type that, that really is not fully true. My heart's desire is to see my children walk in Him. So far, all love God deeply. But oh, how my heart aches when I have to go to work every weekend and they beg me not to. And when my little girl looks at me with tear- filled eyes and says "can God give us a new daddy that loves God?"

We have been singing a song in church the last few months that is so great. It is by the Gettys and called "Speak, O Lord." I have yet to get through the third verse with dry eyes:
"Speak O Lord, and renew our minds; help us grasp the heights of Your plans for us. Truths unchanged from the dawn of time, that will echo down through eternity. And by grace we'll stand on your promises; And by faith we'll walk as you walk with us. Speak, O Lord, til your church is built, and the earth is filled with your glory."

I'm back-maybe!

I have just been catching up on my "blog reading" and I know it has been a couple of weeks since I have written anything. Life is sooooo busy right now I can barely breathe! It seems my computer time is the first to go. (Not that that is a bad thing probably, but I do miss everyone!) I will write more tonight, I hope!

Bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils

One of my favorite romantic comedies is the Tom Hanks/ Meg Ryan movie "You've got Mail." Made back when email was just becoming a huge hit, it has many one liners that I love. One of them is about the fall and the start of school. She talks of bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils. School is just three weeks away here, so we did a bit of shopping yesterday. It was such great fun to help the kids pick out new backpacks and lunchboxes, etc. I will have three in school this year. Kristen is in second grade, Ty will be three days a week in Kindergarten, and Bryce is signed up for special speech school two mornings a week. Bryce is really coming along with his speech and just barely qualifies for the special school, but I really want him to get some extra help while he is young. All this translates into a busy schedule, but also on Fri. mornings, it will just be me and the baby at home. Hard to believe!

The kids are excited for school as well. Tyler actually said he couldn't wait for school to start because it is quiet all day there! I guess we have had a busy and exciting summer!

Oh, on a side note, the other great part of "You've Got Mail" is her love of daisies. I have always loved daisies, and she calls them "...such a happy flower." I totally agree!!

Glorious day at the beach!

Bryce borrowed a "boogie board" from one of the teen boys. He would put it in the sand, jump on, and wait for the wave to come in! Sadly though, he was too far back for the wave to have enough force to move him. He would get really mad at the board and shake his finger and yell at it! Then he would drag it further in. He eventually got brave enough to lay down on it some!! So cute, and it gave quite a show for all of us!

Tyler chasing the waves.

Kristen and a friend building a sand castle. That darn tide just had to keep coming in and ruining all their hard work!!

We had a fabulous day with many church friends at the ocean today! It was so nice to get away and yet still be with so many friends. The water was warm enough this time that we really enjoyed it!

It's over, but I'm free

First, thank you all for "listening" to me. This must be a depressing blog for all of you to read! But you have no idea how healing it is for me to journal all of this out, and the words of comfort all of you leave on the comments mean so much!

Yes, it is over. I am officially a divorced woman. It is still shocking to me that with just a few short questions and in less than five minutes, your marriage can be dissolved.

I think I will just write today as it happened. We did all the paperwork ourselves, so neither of us had a lawyer. When he would start to really push things, all I had to do was threaten to get a lawyer and he straightened up. He is really afraid of them! I do believe we worked things out fairly. I have full custody of the kids. His visits with them will not interfere with church times. I keep the house and his child support is enough that with my working things are ok. We each kept our respective vehicles and the payments. The holiday schedule is agreeable, and we agreed that whoever has the kids is the one who goes to the family gatherings. This one was a bit tough to work out since it is his family, but I am really a part of it in everyone else's eyes. They have all promised many times over that I will never be left out. I love them soooo much!

We entered the courtroom at 9 AM. I had my dear friend Kerry and my pastor's wife, Hope with me. He came alone, for which I was thankful. I had prepared myself that she would come along. The clerk went over our papers, tweaked a few things, then told us to take a seat at each of the tables. When the judge came in, we had to each swear to tell the truth, then she asked Rodney a series of questions. They were things like: do you know what you have signed, do you feel it is in every one's best interest, have you done everything possible to reconcile, and finally, do you have anything to add. His answers were cut and dry. She then turned to me and started the same questions. I thought I was going to pass out and my voice just wouldn't come out right. She had to ask me to speak up because the hearing was being recorded. She kept referring to everything as "irreconcilable differences." I wanted to scream out "it is him who is unwilling!" But instead, I waited until she asked if I had anything to add and simply stated, "this is because of his adultery." With just a slight hint of care, she nodded, gave a long pause, and then said "this matter is now dissolved."

Just like that. The long time love of my life made a beeline out the door. When I turned around my two dear friends both had tears streaming and that was all I needed. I fell into their arms and sobbed. The bailiff graciously closed the courtroom door and handed us a box of tissue. We cried for several minutes and then Kerry whispered "hold your head high, girl. You've done nothing wrong. You're free.

I'm free. I am grieving so hard right now, it is hard to see beyond the pain. But I know that Scripture does allow me to remarry. This is truly a "except for fornication..." And what kind of God is it that would condemn a woman to a life of singleness when my only crime is being a Godly wife and mother?!! I know that my husband really is rejecting God right now. I am just what stands in the way. I certainly am not going out looking anytime soon, and let's face it. It is going to take one special man to take on four small kids!! But I know that my children do not have to grow up as I did. They can have a Godly father again- someday!

The drive home was going smoothly until I was rounding the corner of my street. My kids were at a friend's house a short distance from ours, so I really hadn't planned to stop home. But as my home came into view, the tears came again- hard. It was all I could do to get into the driveway. I was alone now, so I just sat in my van and let the tears flow. I have not cried that hard since the day I found out about the affairs. I knew I needed to just let it come, so I did not fight the grief. After a few minutes, thing subsided and I went inside, refreshed my makeup, read my favorite verses, and then left to get my kiddos.

The rest of the day was spent going to the church to help prepare for next weeks VBS stuff. It was a great diversion for me, and I was surrounded by God's loving people. We wrapped up the day with Wed. prayer service where the whole church just surrounded me (and the kids) with love.

I will close this post with one last thought. Rodney and I talked some on Mon. and I posed the question if this was really what he really wanted. His answer was "absolutely. Did you really think I would change my mind?" I told him I hoped he would see that the grass was not greener and that there was many hundreds of people praying for him to repent. He said "you know, the fact that you have the church made it really easy for me to walk away." He meant this to be mean, but what a testimony for my church!! The fact that he knew they would love and support me and the kids when he abandoned us! I praise God for my church family!

Thank you so much for bearing with this long post! It really brings much healing.

A good day

Today was a beautiful day!! It has been so hot and humid the past few days, but a cold front came through last night and changed all that. The sun was bright and a gentle breeze blew all day. The day was quite a mix of emotion. The hubby called to ask about some piddly thing. We talked about how much of a jerk he was earlier this week. He said he had other stresses that were going on. I told him I didn't care about what else was in his life, but it was very unfair to be mean to me for something I have nothing to do with!! He appologized. I felt a bit of vindication. Some from the appology, but mainly that his life is so stressful. Outside of him, my life is pretty care free!

I have felt the tremendous need to redecorate my bedroom for several weeks now. My aunt and I talked of it last week when she was here, and right before she left to go back to IL, she slipped me some cash to begin my "girl room." I poured last week over many bedroom sets, finally found my perfect match, and wouldn't you know, it was on back order! But, alas, it came in today!! I scooped up the kids quick and ran to the store to get my bed linens! The kids helped me take off the old bed sheets and stuff. If you have a bed skirt, you know what a pain they are to put on!! I also replaced the curtains. As I stepped back and looked at my "new" room, I started crying. It really is pretty. It is ME. That is just it. It is no longer our room- it is mine. The kids all plopped down with me and we sank into the plushness of the comforter. They wrapped their little arms around me and again, God's healing touch flowed through me. Later tonight, as I lay watching TV snuggled in my blue flowers of incredibly soft fabric, I found myself smiling. The little things!

I also did several things today that just make me feel soooo good. I am really gonna make it!! I put the baby's crib together- all by myself! (The little guy is five months this next week, and is end-to-end in the bassinet. Time to move out of mom's room!) I also decided to grill out for supper tonight. Grilling was the one cooking thing that Rodney would do. We have a great grill that I just had never figured out how to use. Once I realized there was a safety switch on the propane tank, things went very well!! The burgers were tasty and we had a cute little picnic on the driveway! Never mind that the reason for the picnic was that the house was such a mess from all the activity of the day that there was no spot to eat!! But it was a perfect evening and many great times were had by all.

As I was tucking the kids in for the night, my five year old said to me, "I miss daddy, but I love you bestest of all." While I should have told him not to say that, my heart was soaring so high that I think my response was more like "I'm sure you have good times with daddy too, and I love you sooooo much!"

Thank you, God, for this wonderful summer day!

Peace that passes all understanding

It seems like it has been ages since I have written. My life is soooooo full! My mom, sister, and aunt came to visit last week. Generally, it was a good visit, but I do remember the reasons why I chose to leave all of them a thousand miles away!! My family truly is the poster family for dysfunction. But I love them, and we really had a great time. I took them to the ocean and to the mountains. They spoiled my kids rotten. We really enjoyed each other.

I have so many things heavy on my mind. It will take me weeks to get them all out. But as I was just reading through a friend's blog on prayer, I knew what I needed to write about tonight. The two biggest things are that my husband is engaged and my divorce will be finalized one week from now.

Yes, I did say "my husband is engaged"!! It happened several weeks ago. When I commented about how fast it was, his response was "well, it isn't all that fast for us." Oh, that's right. They were sleeping together for the better half of last year!! Even in the eyes of the unsaved women that I work with, he is a scumbag. He can't even wait until we are actually divorced?!!

The other thing is that my divorce will be finalized on July 18 at 9 AM. Please pray for me on this day. I have no idea what my emotional state will be on that day. I do not want to cry in the courtroom, but I probably will. My pastor and his wife and a dear friend will be with me for support. It is pretty cut and dry as Rodney and I have sat down with all the paperwork and mutually worked out all the details of money, visitation schedules, etc. If only the girlfriend would quit shoving herself at me this could go along peaceable!

But I mentioned the friend's blog on prayer. I too, have been getting big lessons in how to use this powerful tool. I have no other recourse but to take my heartaches to the Lord. For all the horrible injustices that are being poured out on me right now, God has a plan for them!! He is molding me into what he wants me to be. I love a song by Larnelle Harris that is on our radio station here: "if not for the storm, I couldn't call you my Shelter. If not for the storm, I wouldn't know you the way I do. If not for the storm, I wouldn't need a Savior." And then an amazing thing takes place. Hope blooms. A smile replaces the tears. The "peace that passes all understanding" comes to be. God's love is shining through me and I have no idea how! People tell me that I am glowing. That I am smiling. I can't explain how!

I wish I could tell you he has fallen before God and repented if his sin. I can't. He is just the opposite. But I have hope. Hope that God will either break this man's hard spirit or send me someone else. I do not have to be alone and my children fatherless just because my husband chose to throw away his Christianity and desert his family.

Psalm 26:1 has been a huge encouragement to me. "Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have lived a blameless life..." This verse sustains me when I want in my flesh to lash out in anger against him. Also, "revenge belongs to the Lord." How great our God is to give us so many words of wisdom- all in one book!

A healing balm

After several horribly emotional days, the details of which I will spare everyone of, yesterday brought a wonderful day of healing for this weary soul. I don't remember if I mentioned this before, but my brother and sister in law wanted to do something really special for my birthday a couple of months ago. They knew I had always wanted to see the theater production of Riverdance, so they got me two tickets!! The show was for yesterday in Boston's historic Wang Theater. I asked another single mom in the church to accompany me, so we headed out early yesterday morning to make a day of Boston. The kids spent the day with Grammie, so I had an entire day free of emergency potty breaks and baby feeding schedules! I hardly knew what to do with myself. After fighting through morning commute traffic, we parked at the Navy shipyard, took a quick peek at the U.S.S. Constitution, and then took a ferry to Quincy Market. There we spent several hours looking at all the cute and expensive shops, got blisters on our feet from the cute but totally not-made-for-walking shoes we both wore, found a great deal on comfy flip flops at the Gap, had an absolutely to die for latte at Starbucks, and then lunch at a cute little sandwich shop. It was then time to take the T (Boston's subway) to the theater. We got a little lost getting off the subway, so we made it to the theater just as it was starting, so we had to wait in the hall for a few minutes. But they had monitors to watch the show, so we did not miss anything.

The show was wonderful!!! I LOVE Celtic music, and the dancing was superb. The muscles on the dancers bodies makes you wonder how many hours they spend in the gym! The show was over far too soon, but a memory I will keep forever. During one of the instrumental pieces, the thought occurred to me of how much of a healing balm this day was for me. God is good and I can check off one of my "things to do before I die"!! Oh, and I just had to buy a t-shirt with "Riverdance" printed on it to tell the world I saw this amazing performance!

Just plain cute!

Now that I am getting the hang of picture posting, you will probably see many more!! I just had to share this one. The kids planted sunflowers in little plastic cups several weeks back as a Sunday school project. They are growing well now, so I decided to try planting them into the flower bed. I was helping Bryce and Kristen with theirs, so my back was to Tyler. Several minutes later, he proudly proclaimed he was finished. What I found was too funny. He had planted the whole cup!

Beautiful link

I was surfing through people's blogs today, and found a beautiful link for a soldier tribute. I have seen this one in the past, and it's a goody! My father- in- law has been home from the war for a year now, but we watch him struggle still with the horrors of things he saw. In a time when the war is ever under scrutiny of its necessity, it is great to be reminded of what our troops really do over there!! I know many of you have family and friends serving. Turn up the volume and grab a tissue box- don't miss the pic of the soldier filling up a gas tank on the donkey, and dad tells of the times with the kids- they LOVE the soldiers.http://www.clermontyellow.accountsupport.com/flash/UntilThen.swf

still tweeking!

This is Kristen. She is just like me in so many ways!!

Ok, so I am still tweeking my piture posting skills. The pic without a caption is Bryce full of a peanut butter and fluff sandwich. For those of you mid-westerners, peanut butter and marshmellow fluff, aka "Fluffernutter" is a clasic New England sandwich. Marshmellow fluff is sold here in huge plasic jugs and even tells you on the side of the jug how to make the sandwich!

The above pic is of Tyler holding Judson. I just thought they both look so cute here and Ty looks so relaxed!!

I have finally figured out how to post pics and stuff!!! I have also decided it is not a big deal to give first names, so here is Judson. He is three months old and all smiles!

School's out!

It is officially summer in our house!! School let out for the summer on Friday and the kids are thrilled! Today we all lazed around until I realized it was only 20 min. until the speech teacher arrives. So then I had to scurry around getting everyone dressed and shove some breakfast into their bellies!!

I am hoping to make this summer all about healing our wounded hearts by spending a lot of quality time with my kiddos and just have a really fun summer. We have swimming lessons planned and I want to take them at least once a week to a cool playground that we have a membership to. It has a giant playground and a really cool water park with it.

We are looking forward to a visit from my aunt and sister over the July 4 week, and maybe a visit from one of my old college room mates later this summer. We have VBS at church in July. We will also be busy helping our church renovate the new building!! There is always a way to serve God no matter how young you are!!

Can't wait to see what fun the summer has in store!

What a night

WOW! Bear with me as I use this blog to process in my mind all that has just happened today. It began this afternoon when my daughter out of the blue tells me that Miss____ (the girlfriend) fed our baby food and he liked it so it is ok that I feed him food. My heart jumped to my throat but I just smiled and said "thank you, sweetie." I then went into the other room and lost it completely. My baby is three and a half months old. All of you up on today's teachings about solid foods will know there are certain cues to watch for to know that your baby is ready to have solid foods. This usually comes at 4-6 months. I had the whole spectrum of feelings. I was sooooo hurt (and, yup, angry) and felt as if something so special was stolen from me. I am his mom- feedings are up to me!!!! I had written up a note for them giving an outline as to his schedule. If I wanted him to have cereal, then I would have sent some and written it down!!!! As it turned out, the hubby called about 20 min. after I learned this information, and did he get an earful! He tried to cover for her and say it was all his doing. What kind of planet does he think I am from? This man has no clue about feeding babies. This has always been my domain. I told him I was not sure if I was going to allow him to take the baby anymore. I called a lawyer this afternoon and found that I really do not have much right to do this. I could fight it out in the courts if I really wanted to, but it really is a minor thing given that he is so close to the right age. The lawyer did advise that there be some discussion about boundaries. DUH!! Try to work it out between the two of you- it only hurts the kids to fight everything out. So, we talked again. He promised to do better. We'll see.

But as the night wore on, it occurred to me that I really needed to talk to her. I needed to tell her what my feeding plans are. I needed her to fully get the fact that I am the mom and she does not get to make those kind of choices for my kids. Her kids are much older than mine. She is going on what she did with her kids. So, I mustered the nerve and called her. She was not home at the time, but a short time later I got a knock at the door. My heart stopped. I was now face to face with the woman who took my husband.

We ended up talking for about two hours. She is not some mean horrible ogar. She is attractive and small stature just like me. She says she is a good person who usually is the one everyone comes to for advice. She told me how sorry she was for all of this- that she didn't mean to fall in love with my husband. I looked dead into her face and told her when she gave my baby food for the first time, she stole something that was so precious to me. I am his mother- not her. I was able to stare her straight in the eyes and ask her how she sleeps at night knowing the destruction she has helped cause four little kids and one woman. Her answer was that they are young and they will get over it, and I am a strong person and am young and pretty and will find love again. My heart filled with such pity (for lack of a better word) at that. The unsaved have to come up with something to numb the conscience. I looked at her and told her how I was the kid of divorced parents and I did not get over it. There are still issues that I battle today because of my parents' divorce. I asked her how she thought her relationship will last when he was so willing to lie so much to me and continues to do so even today. She says she hopes it will be different because he is now free to be himself. I told her of the many things he did to me in the first two weeks of us splitting up and how he smashed the affairs in my face over and over again. She seemed genuinely surprised and said she did not know he had done these things.

So, she apologized for the food incident and a couple of other things that have happened while the kids have been with them. She promises to uphold my standards and whatever I wish for feedings. I told her that's nice, now prove it. She asked about allergies and insurance info. We talked of the kids' heath history. I feel a bit like the Julia Roberts' movie Stepmom. It is very weird to be telling another woman all that stuff, but if she is going to be with my kids every other weekend, she should know that stuff, I guess.

I think I can say, I am glad that this happened tonight. I do wish I did not have a face to put on her. However, there is a certain amount of closure to the affair thing to be able to look her in the eye and ask those burning questions. To see her fumble for words to justify her actions.

Now, I must find a way to pray for this woman. She has some deep anger toward God. We talked of how today's society plays the blame game- nothing is ever one's own fault. She says her blame is on God for all the bad things that happened to her through the years. She is a part of my kids' lives, and that scares me to pieces. How I must surround them with God's love and power if they are to survive this!!