On my last post

Well, it has been two days since the hubby and I had those deep conversations, and I believe that my pastor was once again correct. The hubby was not really ready to come home, he was just feeling me out. Tonight, he was the same old hard man who just couldn't understand why I can't get it that he does not want to be married to me ever again. He then proceeded to tell me many details of the two affairs that he has had. And yet, he would not admit that he cheated on me! I will spare the horrifying details, but it is amazing to me the perverse nature of the unsaved. Yes, I now believe that he is truly unsaved. I was told today by a woman that has been working with him for many years that he has always had a very fowl mouth. This information shocked me, because I honestly can say I never heard him swear!! I asked him how could he live with himself all those months. How could he come home and snuggle up with me after he had just been doing such perverse things with someone else? How could he go to church week after week, sing in the choir, and lead the congregational singing knowing the wicked things he was doing? He asked me to remember how he had once said he wanted to quit but he didn't go through with it because he didn't want to answer the questions.

This was definately a "venting" post! Thanks for listening. I know God can change his heart, but right now, that is one hard man who has no intention of ever returning to Christ.

A call to pray

For all of you out there who care- this is an urgent call to pray for my husband. We have had several in depth conversations over the last few days, and I firmly believe that he is at a "now or never" point. He misses his family and is finding out the life that he has chosen has many downsides. He posed the question to me about coming back but just living an unsaved life. "Does it really have to be a package deal- God and the family, can't it just be the family?" To accept me is to accept my faith. I can not separate one from the other. That is who I am. That is what our children knew him as. To bring him back into the home and tell the kids daddy just wants to be unsaved would be detrimental to their spiritual life!! And how could I ever trust him to not stray when God is the only One who can keep a man's heart from sinful ways. Yes, the Lord and I are a package deal! I would rather be a single mom than live fighting against an unsaved husband- especially one who knows the truth so well but chooses to reject it.

So, I ask all of you to join with me in praying God's convicting power over him. Pray for him to fall on his knees before the Almighty.

One tough evening

For the second day in a row, my daughter came home from school having to write sentences. That is their punishment for doing something bad. She has only had to do this one other time in her school days. Usually she is a very good kid. When I asked her what was going on, she started crying and said "I just don't know what is going on in my head." It was all I could do to keep myself under control because of course I know exactly what is going on. Remembering the advice of someone, I knew I had to punish the bad behavior but still deal with her hurting heart. All of you out there-- please pray for the kids! They have so much to deal with. He is already bringing them around the girlfriend and her kids. He is just telling them that they are daddy's new friends. The kids are so smart- it will not take them long to figure things out! Their hearts have so much to process through. Pray that they (especially our daughter) will not shove the feelings inside, but will talk to me or another adult about them. I tried to explain that shoving the hurt inside just makes us angry and that hurts people. We need to tell someone and especially Jesus when we hurt. If any of you can think of other ways to help them, please comment!! Thanks.

I've been tagged

I have limited time, so I will not write out all the rules!! But here are 8 random facts about me!!

1. My earliest memory is of letting a washrag go down the bathtub drain when I was about 4. We were having septic problems, and I was terrified that I broke something. I kept running through the shared closet to my sister's room that night freaking out over the fact that I knew Dad was going to be mad. The towel came out into the backyard the next day, and everyone had a good laugh.

2. I had chicken pox on my 9th birthday and got an ice cream cake from Baskin Robins because the pox were all down my throat.

3. My favorite ice cream as a kid was bubble gum. I would pick out all the gum pieces and save them til the end. Now my favorite indulgence is Phish food from Ben and Jerry's.

4. I have a serious nose fetish. I hate anyone or anything touching or tickling my nose.

5. I have watched "Ever After" at least ten times. I have many parts of it memorized.

6. I hate wearing glasses, but am too blind to go without them. I tried contacts and they dried out my eyes horribly. I had an appt. last year to have LASICs done, but then I found out I was pregnant and had to cancel!! I will do it at the first chance I can!!

7. In a land where skiing is supreme, I am horrible. I went once and had to be brought down by the ski patrol!

8. I have always longed to see two things: Phantom of the Opera and Riverdance. Compliments of a birthday present, I will be seeing Riverdance in Boston next month!!

On with life

There has been much thought this week given to moving on. It has been five and a half weeks now since "the day," and all the signs that he gives is that of no return. I have been asked several times about even if he wanted to come back, would I still want to take him back. I really do not know. It would be the hardest choice to make. He would have to do some serious proving of himself. There are just too many stories now of all that he has been up to this last year.

I took down some pics over the weekend, and today, I cleaned out the master bedroom of his belongings. It was just too painful to continue looking at the stuff day after day. He took only the items that he uses daily when he left. I filled two boxes of suits, ties, and other "church clothes" that he had smugly told me he wouldn't be needing anytime soon. I lovingly filled four boxes of his things and labeled what was in them. I soaked in his smell that I have loved for all these years, and my eyes filled with tears as it hit me that I would probably never fell his closeness again. I also filled three boxes with our wedding pics and things from our dating years. I resisted the urge to sit down and look through everything. I tucked them away in a safe place in the attic- the kids will want them someday, I'm sure. They need to know there were many happy days with Daddy. I do feel emptiness, but also a hope that the future holds something better for us.

Baby joys

Oh, what joy a baby brings!!! My #4 is three months old now. The first six weeks I seriously thought God gave me an alien. I did not know what colic was until this one. He would scream and scream and scream some more! I barely slept. But now he is a happy, cooing little guy. His smile lights up my soul with joy. I got his first good belly laugh today. It started as a giggle and then just exploded into a full squealing laugh. He still enjoys his 3AM feeding, but I don't mind so much- I love the comfort he gives!

Too much info

As the weeks go on, I am finding that it seems everywhere I turn, someone has a story to tell about the nonsense that the hubby has been doing for the last year. Why did everyone keep it hidden for so long? Not that some of these people knew me enough to call me up and say "hey, you might want to keep and eye on the hubby." But why now do I find out things like he has not been wearing his wedding ring at work for almost a year and flirts with all the female employees?!!! Or, I was told by the mom of a girl he works with that she has worked with him since last fall and just found out recently that he was married. She was shocked because she had flirted back and forth with him and never knew he had a family. These things sting me to the core. Sometimes I wish I did not know them, but on the other hand, now I know who he really is. I know the Lord could perform a miracle and bring him back. But I also realize that is probably not going to happen any time soon if it has really been this long. He really left us a long time ago. Now that I am realizing that, I am beginning to detach my heart a bit. The waiting can come to an end and the healing can begin to occur.

Thoughts on motherhood

I was just catching up on some of the blogs of others. As Mother's Day was just a few days ago, there were many about mothers, and I realized I have not written about my day. Obviously, Mother's Day this year was like none before, but it truly was wonderful. First, I basked in the joy of what the kiddos brought home from school. Kiddo #1 made a wonderful flower pot out of sticks and dried moss. I think the teacher used it as a duel science and art project! It even had a flower growing in it that they planted "as a seed." The #2 kiddo also made a flower pot at school, but this one was a painted pail with a silk flower in it. But, oh, the pride he had when he gave it to me. They all made me countless cards. A woman at church gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers, saying she wanted to make this Mother's day very special for me. I was treated to a great meal at the in-laws house cooked by Dad and one of the brother in laws. The hubby gave me a shock and had taken the kids the day before out to buy me a pretty locket that says "Mom" on the front. Of course, he had the kids sign the card, but I thought it was a sweet gesture considering everything.

I finished out Mother's Day by starting my first day back to work. It really went well, and I know that it will give me the release that I need from being a single mom to four kids. God really has blessed me with the best of both worlds.

We have been having revival meetings at church this week. It has been tough for me to hear most of the messages because I kept thinking that if only he could hear them... But last night the preacher concluded the meetings with a great message of encouragement. He spoke to me after and told me that he did not know of the situation when he first came on Sun. but can see how much it was affecting the church body. Here is the outline and a few notes:

"Three 'Rs' for times of trouble" Psalm 46
1. God is our refuge- that we might not fear v. 1
A refuge does not keep the trouble from coming, but protects us from the danger

2. God is our river- that we might not faint v. 4-5
A continual flowing of God's presence
** It is not the trouble on the outside that causes us to faint, but the lack of strength within!!

3. God is our revelation that we will not fret v. 10
"I am not God."

I have always loved the Psalms, and chapter 46 just became very special to me!

Is it July?!!

I promised to give some light-hearted posts too, so here is one finally!! Three weeks ago, the lakes were still frozen over and we got a snowstorm that dumped over a foot of snow on us. Today it hit 90 degrees!!! Last week the area was having problems with flooding from the snowmelt. This week, there are brush fires because it has been so hot and things are not in full bloom yet. What crazy stuff it is- we jumped right from winter to summer!!!

A glorious revelation

I have had so many people tell me that I am so strong, but I did not see it until yesterday. I had a friend who was a single mom for many years ask me if I was still emotionally attached to the hubby. My response came without much thought. Of course, if he came back to me today with a repentant heart, I would take him back in an instant. But I know that my love, self-worth, and confidence does not come from a man but from God. Her jaw fell open and her response was, "it took me years to learn that." As I thought on that response, it hit me that this is why I seem so strong to others. Yes, I cry still almost every day. But it is just the grief of the situation, not a hopelessness. I can fully rest in the love of my God!!! I praise Him for my spiritual growth!

My beloved #3

To protect the kiddos, I am taking a cue off a friend's blog and referring to my kids as the number of their birth order!!

Oh, my precious #3! I mentioned him yesterday, and today was just tough!! He will barely leave my side. He turns three in just about a month, and he really just does not understand what is going on. There has been so much paperwork stuff to do in the last few days, so I have spent much time on the phone. At one point today he tried to take the phone out of my hands and was saying "done." I finished as fast as I could, and then just wrapped him in my arms and cried. I then prayed over him. I prayed for Jesus to take his pain. Then I silently prayed for me to have the strength they need of me.

He is usually the happy-go-lucky kid who I know will be the class clown. He will walk into a room and people instantly laugh at his antics. Of course, he is so unbearably cute with his blond hair, ice blue eyes, and huge grin!! So this just rips my heart out to see him so sad. But they do bounce out of it, and before I knew it, he was smiling again. He does something so precious right now. He smothers me with kisses!! He starts with one on the mouth (oh, how I wish I could write them as he says things 'cuz he labels each kiss) then he goes on to each cheek, nose, ears, chin, for head, and even got both sides of my glasses!! Children really are a treasure from the Lord.

The surreal life

I remember seeing commercials for a reality show a while back called "the surreal life." I never saw it, but the title sums me up right now. The church had to "discipline" my husband out of fellowship last night. My church is filled with many new and young believers, so our pastor took the time to Biblically explain what all church discipline is about. I was ok until it came time for the vote to occur. The floodgate of tears was opened! The mental picture flashed before me of sitting in a courtroom listening to a "guilty" verdict being read and the sentence handed down. Hearing Pastor say things like the people are to no longer socialize with him. (Not that he wants anything to do with anyone...) When it came time for the end and pastor asked if there were any questions, I whispered to the dear friend sitting next to me "is this really my life?"

Pastor was careful to include that disassociating does not mean that they snub the person. Just that any contact they have should be to call him back to repentance. And what loving arms they wrapped around me! I truly know that the kids and I will always be looked after. Even down to the mowing of the yard. I certainly can run a mower, but people are so gracious and want to help. So I will humbly let God's people care for us and be thankful for it.

Yesterday was really a tough day. The hubby wanted to fill out papers and hash out details of finalizing stuff. There is so much detail involved in dissolving a marriage, you would think people wouldn't do it so much! And my #3 kiddo really struggled when it was time to go and daddy wasn't coming with. He just doesn't understand at all- it is so gut wrenching to watch.

I have many decisions to make in the coming weeks. I am reminded of one of the songs the kids sing at church: "little by little, inch by inch. By the yard it's hard, by the inch- what a cinch!" I think that will have to be my motto. One choice at a time and then I will make it!

God is good- all the time!!

This phrase seems so quaint and trite- until you are in the midst of your life falling apart. Then it seems sooooo not true. How can God be good and allow a seemingly good man to go so bad? As I mentioned, the "Noisy Soul" series has been a lifeline for me. It has a meditation CD that I have been falling asleep to most nights. The points of it are: My soul can rest because: God is good- always; God always has my best interests in mind; God will always meet my genuine needs. It gives many scriptures to back up all these statements.

I want to list a few of the ways I have seen God work for good this last month. While the hubby started out being horrible, he has changed his tune a lot. He is no longer openly flaunting the other woman at me. He is not fighting me about anything. He has agreed upon a very fair monthly allotment for child support/ alimony. He is allowing me to keep the house. He promises to allow me to raise the kids in a Godly fashion. God has also blessed me with a wonderful job. Working full time is pretty much a given as a single mom, but it was breaking my heart to think of putting the kids in daycare- especially the baby. I have been home with all the other ones, and I felt like he would be cheated. When I called the nursing home I was working at last year, I found that they had baylor position open. For those not in health care, that is a full time position where you work three 12 hour shifts and get paid for a full 40 hours. My shift is Fri., Sat., and Sun. 7 PM- 7AM. I am having my sister in law come to sleep over with the kids, so they will not have to leave their home. And the best part is I am still a full time mom all week! My sleep with be a bit choppy and scarce on the weekends, but this really is my "way of escape" (I Cor. 10:13). Our needs are being met. I just sit back in amazement at the giving spirit of many in my church. And not just in the physical things. Several of the men are just loving on the kids in a big way. And the kids are just clinging to them!!

I read an illustration last week that really hit home. What woman doesn't love a beautiful diamond ring? But how many times do we stand in the jewelry store and think about all the hard toil that went into making that beautiful piece? The diamond had to be chipped and polished. The gold had to be melted at an intense heat and then stretched and formed while still hot to be molded into the perfect circle. That piece of jewelry has a master creator behind it. But who stops to give the creator credit for all the hard work? I have no idea where my life is heading. A month ago I lived a pretty peaceful "perfect" little Christian life. Now, all is upside down. Yes, I allow the tears to flow when they begin. I grieve for my loss. But I will not allow it to ruin me. God has some purpose in this and when I come out on the other side, I will be a stone to rival the Hope Diamond!!

Who would have ever thought

Never in a million years did I ever think that I would be a divorced person. I vowed long ago that I would never allow my children to go through what I did as a child. But how do you stop it? Most people's reaction to the hubby's leaving is pure shock. Believe me, no one was more shocked than me. Looking back, I can see where he was just not as kind to me and not as caring with me and the kids. But I just blamed it on the stresses of life and work. I knew his walk with the Lord was slipping, but then we all go through dry spells. Never did I imagine that he was having an affair- and that it lasted for 6 months!! Then a new one began shortly after- right about the time I was having a baby. And then, when the little guy was just 7 weeks old, he announces to me he is unsure that he loves me anymore and that he does not want to seek help. He wants to live his life the way he wants and do whatever he wants and make a new life with his other love. I remember numbly driving that night to my pastor's house and pouring everything out to him and his wife. Sobbing on her arms wondering what I would tell the children. I have never known such paralyzing sorrow. I remember the next day getting the kids off to school, taking a shower and then just sitting at the table not knowing what to do next. I called my pastor and his gentle words nudged me back to life a bit. I have four babies to care for. What is my daily routine? Continue on. Breathe. This was a literal reminder. I would find myself feeling dizzy and realize I was holding my breath! Pastor gave me the Video and study book series "Quieting a Noisy Soul" to begin going through. What a lifeline!!

entering blogland

I have been reading several people's blogs for months now but have not gotten around to starting one myself. Now, with all that has happened within the last month, I feel compelled to begin. I was encouraged by a friend that keeping a journal about this time would aid in my healing, so my thinking is why not share it with all my blogging friends? I promise not to make all of the posts deep and heavy- after all, I do have four kids that keep me very busy and laughing at all the antics! So, here is my first blog- and I must cut it short as the kiddos are up and banging spoons on the table waiting for me to pour milk in their cereal bowls. Like I said- they keep me busy!!