On my last post

Well, it has been two days since the hubby and I had those deep conversations, and I believe that my pastor was once again correct. The hubby was not really ready to come home, he was just feeling me out. Tonight, he was the same old hard man who just couldn't understand why I can't get it that he does not want to be married to me ever again. He then proceeded to tell me many details of the two affairs that he has had. And yet, he would not admit that he cheated on me! I will spare the horrifying details, but it is amazing to me the perverse nature of the unsaved. Yes, I now believe that he is truly unsaved. I was told today by a woman that has been working with him for many years that he has always had a very fowl mouth. This information shocked me, because I honestly can say I never heard him swear!! I asked him how could he live with himself all those months. How could he come home and snuggle up with me after he had just been doing such perverse things with someone else? How could he go to church week after week, sing in the choir, and lead the congregational singing knowing the wicked things he was doing? He asked me to remember how he had once said he wanted to quit but he didn't go through with it because he didn't want to answer the questions.

This was definately a "venting" post! Thanks for listening. I know God can change his heart, but right now, that is one hard man who has no intention of ever returning to Christ.

A call to pray

For all of you out there who care- this is an urgent call to pray for my husband. We have had several in depth conversations over the last few days, and I firmly believe that he is at a "now or never" point. He misses his family and is finding out the life that he has chosen has many downsides. He posed the question to me about coming back but just living an unsaved life. "Does it really have to be a package deal- God and the family, can't it just be the family?" To accept me is to accept my faith. I can not separate one from the other. That is who I am. That is what our children knew him as. To bring him back into the home and tell the kids daddy just wants to be unsaved would be detrimental to their spiritual life!! And how could I ever trust him to not stray when God is the only One who can keep a man's heart from sinful ways. Yes, the Lord and I are a package deal! I would rather be a single mom than live fighting against an unsaved husband- especially one who knows the truth so well but chooses to reject it.

So, I ask all of you to join with me in praying God's convicting power over him. Pray for him to fall on his knees before the Almighty.

One tough evening

For the second day in a row, my daughter came home from school having to write sentences. That is their punishment for doing something bad. She has only had to do this one other time in her school days. Usually she is a very good kid. When I asked her what was going on, she started crying and said "I just don't know what is going on in my head." It was all I could do to keep myself under control because of course I know exactly what is going on. Remembering the advice of someone, I knew I had to punish the bad behavior but still deal with her hurting heart. All of you out there-- please pray for the kids! They have so much to deal with. He is already bringing them around the girlfriend and her kids. He is just telling them that they are daddy's new friends. The kids are so smart- it will not take them long to figure things out! Their hearts have so much to process through. Pray that they (especially our daughter) will not shove the feelings inside, but will talk to me or another adult about them. I tried to explain that shoving the hurt inside just makes us angry and that hurts people. We need to tell someone and especially Jesus when we hurt. If any of you can think of other ways to help them, please comment!! Thanks.

I've been tagged

I have limited time, so I will not write out all the rules!! But here are 8 random facts about me!!

1. My earliest memory is of letting a washrag go down the bathtub drain when I was about 4. We were having septic problems, and I was terrified that I broke something. I kept running through the shared closet to my sister's room that night freaking out over the fact that I knew Dad was going to be mad. The towel came out into the backyard the next day, and everyone had a good laugh.

2. I had chicken pox on my 9th birthday and got an ice cream cake from Baskin Robins because the pox were all down my throat.

3. My favorite ice cream as a kid was bubble gum. I would pick out all the gum pieces and save them til the end. Now my favorite indulgence is Phish food from Ben and Jerry's.

4. I have a serious nose fetish. I hate anyone or anything touching or tickling my nose.

5. I have watched "Ever After" at least ten times. I have many parts of it memorized.

6. I hate wearing glasses, but am too blind to go without them. I tried contacts and they dried out my eyes horribly. I had an appt. last year to have LASICs done, but then I found out I was pregnant and had to cancel!! I will do it at the first chance I can!!

7. In a land where skiing is supreme, I am horrible. I went once and had to be brought down by the ski patrol!

8. I have always longed to see two things: Phantom of the Opera and Riverdance. Compliments of a birthday present, I will be seeing Riverdance in Boston next month!!

On with life

There has been much thought this week given to moving on. It has been five and a half weeks now since "the day," and all the signs that he gives is that of no return. I have been asked several times about even if he wanted to come back, would I still want to take him back. I really do not know. It would be the hardest choice to make. He would have to do some serious proving of himself. There are just too many stories now of all that he has been up to this last year.

I took down some pics over the weekend, and today, I cleaned out the master bedroom of his belongings. It was just too painful to continue looking at the stuff day after day. He took only the items that he uses daily when he left. I filled two boxes of suits, ties, and other "church clothes" that he had smugly told me he wouldn't be needing anytime soon. I lovingly filled four boxes of his things and labeled what was in them. I soaked in his smell that I have loved for all these years, and my eyes filled with tears as it hit me that I would probably never fell his closeness again. I also filled three boxes with our wedding pics and things from our dating years. I resisted the urge to sit down and look through everything. I tucked them away in a safe place in the attic- the kids will want them someday, I'm sure. They need to know there were many happy days with Daddy. I do feel emptiness, but also a hope that the future holds something better for us.

Baby joys

Oh, what joy a baby brings!!! My #4 is three months old now. The first six weeks I seriously thought God gave me an alien. I did not know what colic was until this one. He would scream and scream and scream some more! I barely slept. But now he is a happy, cooing little guy. His smile lights up my soul with joy. I got his first good belly laugh today. It started as a giggle and then just exploded into a full squealing laugh. He still enjoys his 3AM feeding, but I don't mind so much- I love the comfort he gives!

Too much info

As the weeks go on, I am finding that it seems everywhere I turn, someone has a story to tell about the nonsense that the hubby has been doing for the last year. Why did everyone keep it hidden for so long? Not that some of these people knew me enough to call me up and say "hey, you might want to keep and eye on the hubby." But why now do I find out things like he has not been wearing his wedding ring at work for almost a year and flirts with all the female employees?!!! Or, I was told by the mom of a girl he works with that she has worked with him since last fall and just found out recently that he was married. She was shocked because she had flirted back and forth with him and never knew he had a family. These things sting me to the core. Sometimes I wish I did not know them, but on the other hand, now I know who he really is. I know the Lord could perform a miracle and bring him back. But I also realize that is probably not going to happen any time soon if it has really been this long. He really left us a long time ago. Now that I am realizing that, I am beginning to detach my heart a bit. The waiting can come to an end and the healing can begin to occur.