Oh, it seems the only blogging I do is when something is heavy on my heart! Maybe I will join was it Ann-Marie or Tancy?- with some resolutions before the new year hits! I promise I will try to blog more about life in general here is this busy household!
But on to what is heavy on my heart. On Apr. 9 my world was turned upside down with my then husband's admission of multiple affairs and leaving. This Sunday, almost six months to the day, he flipped it upside down again. I arrived at my in-laws house just like I do every Sunday after church. They watch the kids for me while I get a few hours of sleep before heading to work again. I was especially tired this week and couldn't wait to hand the baby over to mom and crawl into bed. No such luck. Rodney was there and he wanted to talk to me. We went upstairs to the family room and he proceeded to burst into tears and tell me what a mess he had made of things! He hoped I could find it in my heart to forgive him but understood if I could not. He told me he had moved back home with his parents and wanted to get his life back on track.
I am sure most of you are jumping out of your skin for joy right about now. Please sit back down and just say a quick prayer for him- and me. While he is full of regret for the things he has done, he is showing very little signs of repentance. He met with our pastor on Mon. Pastor has told me he was very "mechanical" in his responses. Rodney knows all the right things to say. However, it took much prodding for him to get out that he has sinned. He keeps saying he has messed up. He also will not answer any questions about why the sudden break-up with his girlfriend. Just a week ago, he was telling me that he would not do "the God thing" ever again. When questioned about what changed so quickly, he just says it is a lot of little things.
On to my feelings. I had closed the book on us. I had come to the conclusion that this part of my life was over. I was looking forward to the Lord eventually bringing someone new into my life. How on earth do I ever trust this man again?!!! Not to mention that the thought of even kissing him completely repulses me. I can not even imagine taking him back. This is not to say that I have not forgiven his sin. The anger is gone, but the hurt is still very fresh, and to open myself back up for that...
Not to worry, though. I have been counseling extensively with my pastor this week, and he has given me much freedom. First, he has told me I have NO decisions to make at this time. There will be no marriage counseling because there is no marriage. Rodney is just like any other "fish in the sea." He has to prove that he is worthy of my possible affection. This will take a min. of a year for our pastor. He has counseled Rodney to attend a different church in our area (one of like faith and practice) and he will have great accountability there. Next, I am under no biblical obligation to ever take him back. He divorced me. He gave up the right to be with me then. I must forgive him, but forgiveness does not always have to mean restitution. Now, it may be in the best interests of the kids, but only if he becomes the Godly man that he should be. Why would I take back a man that will just revert back to his old ways a year from now?!
The final thing to consider is that because we are divorced, it would be sin to allow him back into the home without being married. WOW! That had not really entered my mind. So, all of this to say that while he has made some baby steps toward wanting to reconcile, it seems it is just because his little world crashed down on him-- did I mention he is also having to file bankruptcy?!!-- it will be at a min. of 18 months before we, if ever, are remarried.
I told him that with God all things are possible. I do believe this with all my heart. I ask you to lift me up for this. I have no trust or desire whatsoever in this man. It will take a huge act of God's moving for me to love him again.
6 comments:
Hi I found your blog tonight.
I am a single mom right now.
I just wanted to say hello and let you know that I understand how very hard this is.
I prayed for you when I read your post.
Lizzie
Jennittia - I will definitely be praying for you! I have no idea what I would do in your situation. I will pray that God will give you wisdom, and that Rodney will truly be repentant over his SIN and not just the CONSEQUENCES! I love you, and know that God will show you what HE has for you!
Jennittia, my heart goes out to you. Only the Lord who was despised and rejected can understand the agony of your soul. But sometimes being willing to do the unthinkable opens the door to love and power. "In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion." Psa. 71:1 "Thou which hast shewed me great and sore troubles, shalt quicken me again, and shalt bring me up again from the depths of the earth. Thou shalt increase my greatness, and comfort me on every side." Psa. 71:20-21
Wow, what an interesting situation you have found yourself in. We will be praying for you as you have many things to consider and decisions to make. Only God can open up the heart and only through God's drawing Rodney to Himself by His Sovereign grace will there be any repentance. We still serve a Merciful Sovereign and He is still on His throne.
Just when you thought you were out...he pulls you back in!
I will pray for you, J. This yo-yo thing must be so crazy to deal with. Know we're thinking about you here in your hometown!
"forgiveness does not always have to mean restitution"
This is the best advice I have heard in this type of situation. Your pastor is a wise man.
My only addition and advice to you is that some of the first steps in his repentance is that he needs to take care of you to the letter of the agreements you have for visitation, child support, etc.
His following or failure in respect to these agreements should help you set the tone for the many dialogs ahead.
We continue to pray for you.
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