Standing in awe... again

After a very tiresome night of work and as NH is being pounded by yet another 'Nor Easter, when I finally arrived home this morning, all I wanted was to rest. As I caught up with Dory on her Christmas activities of the last week, she jumped up and said... "oh, before I forget..." She went to her room and came back handing me an envelope. She told me this was from her sister's church. In it was over $350 in cash!! Katie had mentioned me in prayer when I was in the hospital, and the people of her church wanted to help. I just stand in awe of how great my God is. These are people I have never met- they do not know me or my kids. But they love us and want to help. They are praying for me.

"Exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think..."

I do not know what God has in store for my little family. So I am just tucking away until the time is revealed. I have been so blessed already, I just don't know what else to say.

Thank you to the church of Dracut, Mass.

Flick worth seeing!

I had the rare occasion to get out last night. I went with another single mom to see the National Treasure movie. GOOD FLICK!!!! I have not seen the first one in a while (lost all the grown up movies in the divorce:( ) but I do not remember it being so funny! I laughed so hard several times! Well worth seeing and eventually buying!

Wondering why

I checked my email last night and found some terrible news in it. A very dear friend from college has been trying for five years or so to have a baby. After two rounds of invetro, they finally got a positive test!! God had blessed them with a baby! But now, she has suffered a miscarriage and is grieving once again. I could tell from the email that she is in that numb state of just not knowing what to do. That state where you have to tell yourself to breathe. She mentioned how she knows that God has a better plan for her, but she just can't understand that yet.

This news brought back a flood of emotion for me. No, I have never lost a baby. But I know that life-altering loss. I know the mind-blowing question you just want to scream at God: "WHY"?!!! "Why me?" So many times music is the expression of my soul. Many times through the last year I have had a song from back in the '90s playing in my head from I think the group "Four Him." It is called "Why" and the chorus is: Why, I wonder why. When the reasons aren't clear to me. When it all is a mystery, I want to know why. And though down here I may not understand, I won't let go of the unseen hand- even when I wonder "why."

That just seems to be the heart of it. We just do not know why. All I ever wanted was a stable, Godly home. I vowed my children would never go through what I did as a child. But here I am- divorced because he just didn't want the Christian life any more. My "crime" was that I was a Godly woman. My friend is a great Christian woman. All she wants is a baby. Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? The only real answer I can come up with is scripture: God is working all for our good. Somehow, though, in the heat of the trial, you have to really work hard to find comfort in that. How is pain good? Like my daughter's precious pearl, it began as pain!

My dear friend, you will remain nameless here, but you are so loved and are in my prayers constantly.

"Ending" Christmas

So it is two days post Christmas and the house is quiet for the moment. We are enjoying yet another snowfall today (small today- only 3-4 inches!) so the kids are outside working off some energy while the baby naps. Oh, the fury of activity!!! They all want EVERYTHING opened, put together, and batteries in all at once. I do not know how many times I have said, "please have patience. I am just one person!!" I must say the Wii system is a huge hit. We all have had tons of fun with it, and it gives me a good break from everything while still playing with them. I wish I was as good at bowling in real life as I am on the game!! The boxing game brought the most laughs and the biggest workout. Even I was working up a sweat! Here are some pics of Kristen and Tyler playing.

As you can see they are having a blast and Ty won that round!

Christmas Day brought much healing for me. It really was not that bad. I did shed a few tears in early morning, but not too bad. I had one small moment when the grief started to choke up, but Dad was there for me and gave me a quick squeeze and kiss on the top of the head and it was all better! I know that I am loved. Of course, recent developments in the ex's life makes things much easier. He is back home with his parents as he and the girlfriend have broken up again. He is not making an attempt to get back with me- I think he knows that book is closed forever. He is partying and drinking hard- he looks very ragged. You can truly see how God's hand is off his life.

As the new year is upon me, I am excited for what is to come. Last year was hard. It began with the final weeks of a very hard pregnancy and then turned into the loss of a marriage. But now, the baby is thriving and I can look forward to a life of me as a stronger person. Do I long to be married again? Without a doubt. The list is endless of the little things I miss. I have no idea if or when the Lord may bring someone into my life, but I know that "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I have done things this last year that I never knew I could do!! I am sure there will be many more this year as well. Anybody care to tell me how to tie a tie?!! Never mind, that just might be a lost cause!!!

Pearls

It is now the end of Christmas night and all is finally quiet. I just spent the last hour setting up (no, playing with!!) the new Wii system. I LOVE it- and I'm the "grown-up"!! I promised the kids it would be all ready for them in the morning.

It was a beautiful day and I will write more about it later. I titled this post "pearls" for a reason. One of the gifts I gave Kristen was a real mollusk with a pearl inside. It also came with a special necklace that you can put the pearl in. Here is a picture of Kristen and her very own real pearl.

What a teaching opportunity tonight as we opened the shell and dug through the goo to find the pearl. (Side note: that was soooo disgusting!! None of the kids wanted to touch the inside stuff, and I had to get out my rubber gloves- I just couldn't bring myself to touch it bare-handed!!)

But as I was trying to simply explain how a pearl is created, the magnitude of it hit me. How great God is!! The pearl first gets its start by being a tiny little irritant to the clam. This irritant- over time- is transformed into a beautiful pearl. None of the kids really got that part- just how cool it was to find something so pretty in all that goo! But, for me, it was a great lesson in beauty from ashes!!

Merry Christmas, everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!

The view from our "neck of the woods"

Here is Kristen and Tyler crawling their way to a tree. They are light enough to stay on the top!

Bryce struggled to get to the safety of the tree and decided to hang out here for a while.

This is a view of our house from the driveway. Notice the mound of snow on the door overhang.

This is a shot of the backyard. We have a normal 6ft. privacy fence. This is what is currently visible!!

So yet another snowstorm is pounding northern New England today!!!!!! This makes the third snow day for the kids-- and it is not even the Christmas break yet! I am feeling so much more energized now that my iron level is coming up, so during the baby's nap, we bundled up to head out. Here are a few pics from our adventure.

The return of "Lost"

I have been a "Lost" junkie from the beginning. I have seen every episode made and can not imagine what the network was thinking making all of us wait so long for the return of it!!!! But I just found out by reading a friend's blog, that the wait is almost over!! Lost returns on Thurs. Jan. 31. Someday I will take the time to figure out how to post links, but there is a great trailer for the new season out now! And I am soooo excited that it is on Thurs. now. I have always had to tape it because of church. Now I can watch it live! Bring it on!!

Remembering... and moving forward

Today should have been my ninth wedding anniversary. What a beautiful day that was. Just about everything went perfectly, and the little things that didn't were just funny. I have carefully planned out today. But as I woke up today, I couldn't help but remember and my plans went slightly to pieces. I was going to save my tears for tonight when I have dedicated some time to spend at the alter alone with God before church, but instead they came while I was showering. I tried to choke them back telling myself that I will not let all of this destroy my spirit. But the tears still fell, so I surrendered and let the hot water and tears soothe my soul. Then I got ready for the day, put on a killer outfit, and headed out with the two youngest to pass out cookies to some people that have really helped us this year and to a sick woman in the church. We had great fun baking over the last few days, and what a blessing to turn this day into serving others. I got a blessing seeing people smile with our "thoughtfulness." And Bryce is just such a charmer, he could make even Scrooge himself cheerful!!

So, I am halfway through today and it is not so bad! I plan to go to church early tonight and let a friend feed the kids so I can have some tome to put things to rest. All these months my wedding ring has been sitting in my jewelry box on my bureau. It is time to put it away for good. I bought myself some killer earrings last week and saved the box. I plan to put my ring in it and prayerfully give it to the Lord. Just lay it on the alter for Him to heal all the hurt. Then I will put the ring in the attic with all the other wedding stuff for the kids to have someday. I know that this will not magically end everything, but today is the last big thing to get through for me.

I do not know what God has in store for me and the kids. Will I still be a single mom a year from now? Probably. It is hard to imagine there is someone out there that will want to take on all of us! But God will give me the strength to get through each day just as he has through this year. Oh, how thankful I am for all the little ways He has cared for us! Even with all the snow that just is relentless this year!!! I have three different people who are willing to plow for me!! I get mobbed with phone calls every time the snow falls making sure I am plowed out!

I will close with Scripture that the Father so lovingly placed before my eyes through another's blog.

Heb. 6:17-20 (NIV)
Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf....

Getting back on track

Yes, I am getting better!!!!!!!!!!! I feel a bit stronger each day- both physically and mentally. I did not realize just how tired I really was. I have revamped my schedule, and have come to grips with the fact that I can not do everything that I used to do as a stay at home mom. Much of that is in my own self. I never asked for this life, and was trying to hold on too tightly to the ways of before. My baby really will not suffer if I buy jar food for him instead of make it all from scratch!! But, oh, how the tears fell last week when I stood in the baby aisle of the grocery store looking at all the jars! I felt like a failure- like I am cheating him out of what all the other kids have all had. Silly, I know!!! He will be fully on "table foods" in just a couple of months! I have gone down to the bare basics of housework! I am a neat freak at heart, so it is hard to overlook things sometimes, but it really is ok.

We are very much enjoying our Christmas tree- although the floor seems to be an endless collector of needles and dropped ornaments! I did a bunch of shopping this week and am really getting excited to see their faces on Christmas morning. God is soooo good. I still stand amazed at all I have been able to purchase for them! (And, yes, I have splurged some on some things that I want as well)!!

Winter arrived in New England with a fury on Monday. The measurement in our driveway was 11 inches! The kids were happy to have a day off school. Praise God, I have had three offers to help with the plowing, so I will not have to attempt to control that beast of a machine!! I know this post is a bit choppy. I guess I do not have as much to say as I thought when I sat down!! I
have some difficult days to get through this month. Please pray for me as I heal through my wedding anniversary (on the 19th) and on Christmas. I know it will get easier once the first one is over. Love you all!!!