I checked my email last night and found some terrible news in it. A very dear friend from college has been trying for five years or so to have a baby. After two rounds of invetro, they finally got a positive test!! God had blessed them with a baby! But now, she has suffered a miscarriage and is grieving once again. I could tell from the email that she is in that numb state of just not knowing what to do. That state where you have to tell yourself to breathe. She mentioned how she knows that God has a better plan for her, but she just can't understand that yet.
This news brought back a flood of emotion for me. No, I have never lost a baby. But I know that life-altering loss. I know the mind-blowing question you just want to scream at God: "WHY"?!!! "Why me?" So many times music is the expression of my soul. Many times through the last year I have had a song from back in the '90s playing in my head from I think the group "Four Him." It is called "Why" and the chorus is: Why, I wonder why. When the reasons aren't clear to me. When it all is a mystery, I want to know why. And though down here I may not understand, I won't let go of the unseen hand- even when I wonder "why."
That just seems to be the heart of it. We just do not know why. All I ever wanted was a stable, Godly home. I vowed my children would never go through what I did as a child. But here I am- divorced because he just didn't want the Christian life any more. My "crime" was that I was a Godly woman. My friend is a great Christian woman. All she wants is a baby. Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? The only real answer I can come up with is scripture: God is working all for our good. Somehow, though, in the heat of the trial, you have to really work hard to find comfort in that. How is pain good? Like my daughter's precious pearl, it began as pain!
My dear friend, you will remain nameless here, but you are so loved and are in my prayers constantly.