Saturday, November 17, 2007

The darkness of night

Warning: I am sick and feeling very low emotionally right now. I have no idea what is going to come out in this post!

Last night began my "work week." In case I have never explained what I work it is three 7PM to 7AM shifts, Fri., Sat., and Sun. It doesn't give much time for sleep, but it allows me to be with the kids through the week. The first four hours last night went fine. Then during the changeover, I began to feel dizzy. By 12:15, I was on the third round of almost passing out. They took my blood sugar level and that was fine. They took my blood pressure and it was 80 over 40. For those not in health care- a normal BP should be about 120 /80. My sick time does not kick in for two more weeks, being stupidly pigheaded, I refused to let the send me by ambulance. I wanted to just take my lunch break and rest- then I would be fine. My nurse said, "at the risk of sounding insensitive, you are laying on the floor with a BP in the toilet. I don't think you belong here!" Well, when you put it like that... So, I let them call my (former) mother in law and she came right up and took me to the ER. After doing a cardiac workup and all sorts of stuff, I was discharged with the diagnosis of exhaustion and dehydration. They beefed me up with fluids and sent me home with instructions not to go in to work until Sun.

So much for my Christmas money plans. Why does it seem just when you have it "all figured out" God knocks you flat. I wanted so desperately to be able to buy the kids special stuff this year. I know how shallow that sounds. You can't buy love. But I am a gift giver- my joy comes from seeing their faces light up in getting that toy they want sooooo bad!

Oh, back to my sickness. The near fainting was probably just a virus hitting me, because within an hour of getting home from the ER, I was puking my guts out. I slept most of the day, and am now just weak.

The kids are with him until tomorrow morning, so I have nothing to do but rest. I know I need that, but I do miss my babies! Never has my loneliness been more real than now. I should have been having a loving husband rushing to my side last night. I didn't ask for this life. I did nothing to deserve it, and yet here I sit- alone at my computer, working myself ragged to the point of extreme exhaustion. There are four of them and only one of me. I love them all beyond words, but I am tired. I am so tired of fighting to keep my chin up and be brave. I have praise music playing in the background, but all my heart is crying is "God, haven't I suffered enough?"

Talk about divine. I stopped to listen to the song playing right now. It was saying, "I will lift my eyes to the maker of the mountains I can't climb... lift my eyes to the healer if the hurt I hold inside... Oh, God, my God, your beloved needs you now."

Everyone keeps telling me I will get through this. The night will not last forever. I have only been a single parent for nine months, but it seems a lifetime. Yes, I will make it. Thanks for "listening" to my little pity party. I will echo Ann-Marie. The Lord must be shaking His head at our unbelief. If only we could see what lies ahead....


Ann-Marie said...

Oh, J! My heart is with you. Again and again.

Honey, this time was just waiting to happen. You can't go through what you have gone through and NOT experience those low times, and often the physical side of your emotional distress will manifest itself during this time.

To be honest, I'm surprised it has taken so long for it to catch up with you. Please, please DO rest and use this time to recuperate.

I will be praying for you SO much - that God will encourage you and wrap you in His arms as the Abba Father you clung to while we were in high school and SO many things were uncertain for you.

Please allow yourself this time! I love you SO much! You are (always) in my thoughts!

Schoonover Family said...


Take care of yourself! The worst thing you can do is to try and overdo it. Having gone through several trials too (not as bad as you have, but tough still the same) I can say that God is going to use this greatly for His glory, you just have to let Him. Watch and see, God is faithful to those that are faithful to Him, and as my pastor says, "you can't outgive or outdo God".

God bless

WendyJanelle said...

There are more people praying for you than you could possibly know. You have an army on your side. God IS with you. He will pull you through.
I pray that you will continue to feel His loving arms wrap tight around you and your kids.